Month of December 2015

Hello! Ranties… Rantlettes… I need a term to refer to my fans, such as it were. The Game Grumps have Lovelies, Pewdiepie has the Bros, I need a thing. Oh, and a cool sign off, cool sign offs are a thing. Erhem, point, back to it. So I’ve been quiet, I did warn you all I was taking November off to have a think and other than some bit pieces on the current deplorable state of our world, I stuck to that, but it’s December now and you’re probably wondering what I have in store for you right? I hope you are, I’d hate to think you’re indifferent about it because that would make me feel like I’m wasting my time here. So with that in mind, here’s the plan I’ve got laid out for December 2015 and moving on to the year ahead.

Firstly, owing to the success of the Decap Attack playthrough, Jonah and I are going to be taking on another holiday-themed video game, all I need to acquire first is screen-recording/video editing software (I used a trial version of a product beforehand but the trial has expired and to buy a key is like £200 so I said fuck that in every way known to the English language and grumbled for several minutes). The Let’s Plays have cottoned on it seems, people enjoyed the casual vibe and honest banter, which makes sense because it was literally just my brother and I playing a video game together, that’s 90% of our shared activities, the rest is political discussion and wandering around town or just me irritating him by squeezing his face or pretending to punch him, as brothers often do. I’ll do more of them, they’re fun to do, but please bear in mind they’re not going to be my staple thing, that’s not what I’m trying to achieve public recognition for – that’s no jibe against such types, I’m a strong follower of the Beard Bros and Game Grumps but I don’t want to be known as another beardy white boy playing video games for a living jumping on that bandwagon because it is still rolling strong. So yeah, there’ll be a Christmas one and we’ve considered some other games that’d be fun to do, I have a wealth of emulator roms and a Steam library full of stuff Jonah has never heard of so he’ll be wombling through that with total confusion, as will my audience no doubt, that could be fun.

Secondly, a Christmas special post, you’re probably expecting one, there was one last year after all. Well, I do have a fair bit to say on the subject of Christmas, albeit in what will be seen as a Scroogey fashion but with good justification. I’m not sure what to expect of Christmas yet, there’s been little mention of it around the home but depending on what happens will dictate what I post on actual Christmas Day. However, I can do some Christmas related posts beforehand so look out for those, interspersed with any recent topical news I feel obliged to speak out about.

Finally then, the new year! What is coming? VIDEOS. Yes, I’ve said this for a while but I have a camera, I have locations I can utilise, I have people willing to help out and I’ll soon have some editing software so the pieces are falling into place. A YouTube channel is being set up and a schedule worked on to provide enough content without overdoing it and balancing it between funny bits and serious bits. I realise there are a few things making my blog a task to get into – it’s very depressing stuff, it’s very long to read and it doesn’t always balance fun and serious discussion too well so people can be put off thinking they’re just subjecting themselves to more “How can we allow this stupid thing to happen?” style rants when there are a few “I watched a funny movie!” posts in the mix. Contributions from my audience are encouraged, not monetary (Though I won’t complain if you’re offering! Kidding!) but ideas of what you want from me. Let’s Play requests have come in and in the past, even article requests but these videos are made by me for you, it’s important for me to know what people want to hear about. I’m also tempted to do some lengthier discussion pieces for people to listen to in the background as they do whatever because I love those myself so let me know if that’d interest you. Like, say an hour’s discussion in a radio show style thing on a topic, using some bits and bobs found on the internet and in the news for talking points featuring myself and some other guests (friends I can desperately rope into sitting in a room for an hour talking to a laptop). So if that sounds good, at least as say, pleasant background noise, let me know!

So that’s that, keep watching this space on here and on my Facebook page. OH, Twitter, gonna get me on of those, seems it’s a thing that won’t go away anytime soon, start using them hashtags and what have ya. Keep watching, please keep supporting this blog and maybe one day you’ll see Old Man Wolfe in the trending section on your News Feed hmm? I did recently do some sponsored posts, reached out to over 7000 viewers, of those 7000 at least 250 of them checked the blog (Not massively impressive I know but it’s better than the usual “Hey, you have three good friends who read all your rubbish and like, four guys were bored” I get on here)

Signature sign-off phrase pending! See you all soon!

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The Possible Plausible Future

I’ve been blogging more recently, riding another wave of ideas in the boom and bust cycle that is the activity upon this blog. You might be wondering, therefore, how long this is going to last? How much life will thrive here before I run out of points to make and go off on another few months hiatus. Well, that’s today’s topic, blogging about blogging itself like a taco within another taco or other such analogies.

Now, since my return, success here, by which I mean traffic reaching levels it once averaged at, or surpassing them – that’s been a mixed bag. The Fragile Man, Passionate Contempt and The Shout have been the most popular new works, besides that Pig Girls Don’t Cry gets googled more often and currently running in last place is the rather more recent Cosby Case. I’m proud of my latest works, Fragile Man especially, I believe it on par with Catcall An End To It, one of my other best works. Going off topic here, the point I’m trying to make is I feel I’m improving so in that sense, I’m successful, but I’m reaching less people, even with the Facebook page. Many factors come into this, posting times and how often I post and how well I promote/tag my work and I understand that but I have a plan and in this plan, I have some surprising help.

Firstly, outside of encouraging you all to like, share and subscribe as often as you can, I’m going to get a Twitter for Old Man Wolfe, it’s an easy way to generate publicity and people are happy to retweet without giving it much thought, Facebook shares seem fewer – perhaps due to the differing natures of the sites. Secondly, I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, the future of this site is video content on YouTube. I tried my hand at animation but lacked the skill and patience and other such excuses, I might have another go at it but I think it best I opt instead for recording footage of myself. The idea is up in the air but inevitably, it is where I’m headed one day, people have said they’d be happier listening to a podcast (A fun idea in itself) or watching a five to ten minute video than reading two thousand word long essays on this or that, to be fair it’s easier for videos to go viral than written work, sad as that is. I’ve resisted and resisted, partly because my pride is in my writing and partly out of fear of how poorly I’ll represent myself as I don’t much like myself in terms of physical appearance and voice. Warning, if you only know me from my online persona, be prepared to have images shattered as the most surprising trait about me, apparently, is my voice isn’t as deep as the gravity of my words suggest. You might be sat there expecting a voice of authority and strength when in truth I sound more like someone who didn’t make the cut for The Inbetweeners.

I used the words possible and plausible because there are no guarantees but my Dad has stepped in, at last acknowledging both my blog and the internet community, accepting the fact that YouTube and such are the way forward, even going so far as to offer me resources – namely a camera. Context here, I’ve never really had much of a big affair made of my birthday, it’s too close to Christmas for lavish spending and money is tight but it’s made Old Man Wolfe’s old man feel heavy guilt and whilst he thought he’d help get me a car, he quickly realised I don’t have the money for lessons or insurance, none of us do, that’s going to have to wait until I have a proper decent wage. So, we talked and he’s going to try and facilitate my path to fame and wishes me the best, hoping one day I’ll be as infamous an internet presence as Markiplier or Tomska. I’m grateful to him for this and want it to work out, the world wide web is the ultimate platform to preach the points I’ve tried to make to only a small collective thus far. Of course, my dream is to be an acknowledged writer with books on the shelves and TV series based on my ideas out there, possibly other inspired media works like games or films I had a hand in making, a long term goal but not as daft as it might have been once upon a time in a world that quickly sweeps up anything interesting, staying famous is now the harder part rather than becoming so.

Beyond the blog, maybe you’re interested in the other stuff I’m doing right? Book ideas, TDWC’s fate and so on? Well if you are, here’s a rundown real quick. TDWC had two potential paths, one a gritty drama series from the point of view of a new recruit to the demon hunting agency and the other an Archer-inspired comedy about the same agency. I’ve decided to test the former and leave the latter for now, I like both ideas but I’ll see whether I’m better at grit or humour and dedicate Lee Patience and company to whichever I prefer, devising something else for the other. Book ideas, I want to write a fantasy series that bucks the trends and tropes whilst calling upon social themes and I won’t give too much away as I know I’m not the first to come up with such but I don’t want to just put everything up here for grabs by any other aspiring writers. Yes, I am honestly saying I think I have ideas people would steal, I don’t want to take the risk of a more inspired and driven writer seeing a concept I devised and running with it before I can so I then get accused of ripping off my own work. I also have another series idea based on my historical studies and series like Game of Thrones and besides that, a short story or perhaps full length novel based on my true imagination of a dystopia. Once again, hoping to buck trends there with a focus on small victories and individual stories, rather than the inevitable “It’s time for revolution” story line that the likes of the Matrix, Divergent, Hunger Games and so on walk down – I like those stories but truth be told, it’s time for a massive change to the system now and look where that’s going, I am not leading an army of optimistic teenagers whilst wearing form-fitted armour and firing arrows at people.

Ramble ramble ramble, point is, watch this space, I mean it. I talk big talk a lot, I know, I’m sorry, the harshest critic of my efforts is myself and I tear them apart too soon but with more people becoming invested, including my previously uninterested father, I’ve got to stick to it this time. I much prefer a future as a prominent face fighting the feminist agenda whilst publishing books about orcs than I do the future as a hopeless dreamer going from till to till trying to find a job.

The Step Forward

Trigger Warnings – None.

Sorry this post is out a bit later than usual, I’ve missed that prime time opportunity but hey, it happens. I’m not sure what to write about tonight, I’ve felt really quite passionate about my previous articles of the week but my view stats haven’t been this low in some time – maybe I’m not reaching out, maybe I’m too proud of stuff that actually isn’t interesting, I don’t know. So, whilst I hate to be a self-piteous jerk (I do hate it, I know I post a lot of personal crap but that’s more for me really, this blog is the inside of my head), I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Understandably, my latest topics have put off would be readers because they’re heavy subjects – the Sydney siege, the Sony cyber attacks, talks of politics and whilst I thought I broke it up pretty well with the Cards Against Humanity post and the Cereal Killer post, which were distinctly more popular than the others. I’m not too surprised and whilst I did enjoy writing those articles, they’re fluffy filler posts, they’re not hot button topics and I don’t want to just write about that all the time because if I was just going to blog about insignificant topics that are amusing to the right people I’d blog about the depiction of historical events in video games and line by line did-you-knows about the ERB performances of Epic Lloyd and Nice Peter. I knew when I started on this blog I couldn’t extensively blog about what I find fascinating because when I bring it up in conversation, people just nod and have no reference points to go by as I explain my rage at a bad characterisation of a samurai or a ninja I like or something or as I try to clarify why I think something is genius. I’m not bitter about that, it’s fine, maybe if I ever hit the mainstream I can do some niche side projects for those fanbases.

I’m thinking of moving on from blogging to YouTube, it’s where the people are and truth be told the concept is more exciting to me now, though I do despise the sound of my own voice. Heads up to you yanks that are expecting me to have a smooth sexy Hiddleston voice, I do not, I sound like a complete and utter twat. I mean, I’ve always loved the written word for expressing myself as a suave, charming fellow of sophistication but in person “Erm, erhem, so yeah that’s uh… hi… what?”. I’ll probably use prompts or write the article out and go from there and then upload the written version here for those of you who still read, a dying breed but a special one. I’ll need to invest in some good tech for it though I should think, a webcam won’t cut it by itself but thankfully I have people willing to help me out in their own way. I’ve decided the format will probably be a weekly or bi-weekly upload of a sort of me telling you the news with my own opinions and then the occasional less polished side notes of things I feel like sharing with you and a friend has discussed animated videos with me, it’s held an appeal to me for ages and would be fun to do.

I shouldn’t complain, I managed to inspire a friend of mine into starting their own blog, that’s pretty ego-boosting. I don’t want people thinking I did this ‘taking them under my wing, they owe it all to me’ thing because it was more just me idly saying ‘You need to blog, you are smart, I would read it’ and they sorta rolled with it. I’ll post a link below, check them out – a fellow feminist taking a fearsome arsenal of intellect and insight to tackle pop culture’s short comings, they’ve only just started but I look forward to what is to come:

https://fatalfeminism.wordpress.com/

I’m sure it will be well worth a nosey once the posts start rolling out but just to make sure you don’t miss out, bookmark the home page hey? And on that note, I hate to be the guy pushing myself forward and saying you should read this, we all know that creative one who uses any subject to segue into their blog or book or poetry and everyone rolls their eyes but speaking from experience as that guy, it’s usually the only way to get people to actually pay attention, nobody seeks out the unknown writer do they? Some friends and family support me and that’s great but audience is small and dwindling so I’m gonna suck it up and say it…

Please, like and share my articles if you enjoy them, subscribe as well. Ugh, feel dirty. Mind you, even the most popular presenters of the Tube still ask so I should feel no shame in doing it, I always just imagined my own merit would carry it but perhaps not, perhaps I have to actually advertise. Would a Facebook page help do you reckon?

Anyway, that’s that, I’ll try to come out with something better tomorrow.

Old Man Wolfe Returns!

Trigger Warnings – Mentions of suffocation/vivid nightmares/death

Well hello internet, Old Man Wolfe is back on your News Feed or your Reader feed, here to treat you to more of that delicious assortment of personal musings,mumblings and miffed off articles about injustice and inequality in society. Missed me? Yes, I’m back a little bit later than I hoped, long boring story there, not really post worthy as it was just some technical issues surrounding internet connection but the point is, I’m back! Feels good to have a solid keyboard beneath my fingers once again and to have justified font, all sexy sleek like. I shall be doing my best to get back into the swing of things now and make up for lost time with some good stuff in the future I should hope.

You might be asking, how was I on my break? Did I relax and have fun? Am I back all refreshed and clear minded? I hope you’re asking, that’d be polite and I thought our relationship was one of sharing and caring. Erhem, well, I did sort of enjoy taking a week not panicking about what to post about but me personally, I’m afraid the past week has been hard on me, that mood scale has been clocking in below five pretty much non stop except for the odd moment of comfort in the company of good friends. I’m scoring one far more often than I’d like and my dreams have involved yet more unusual deaths such as being impaled on a spear and almost having my hand chopped off by my best friend in a gladiator match.To add to matters, lately I’m being kept awake by the feeling of hands around my throat whenever I’m upset, I can even feel thumbs poking into my Adam’s Apple. No, it’s not an allergy, my diet hasn’t changed, I’m not using new detergents and I have not been bitten or stung by anything, I don’t actually have any known allergies anyway, our family doesn’t have many. Apparently it’s psychological, it’s a symptom of an anxiety disorder, thus the stress and sadness being the trigger so it doesn’t help the moment I feel blue, I get this ghost of my own mind trying to choke me as if putting me out of my own misery permanently. Dramatic, yes, but it honestly feels like I’m being throttled, I’ve been throttled before so I know how that feels and this is the same only my feet are on the floor or on my bed.

I hate to come back on such bad notes but there hasn’t been a great deal of joy in my life of late. I mean, it’s not all been doom and gloom, caught up with an old friend after years apart and that was wonderful, we got on as if we had never gone a day without seeing each other and it only served as a warm reminder why we became so close in the first place. However, with no job and no longer being at Oxfam, when I returned for a Christmas gathering, I had to answer the question of “So what do you do now?” with “Oh, nothing”, because I’m not in work and not looking for a bit, the job I had sort of buckled my confidence when it came to the review and with Christmas coming, I want to take a break and start the new year with a clearer head, hopefully. Feels awkward though, I’ve not gone to bigger better things, I’ve gone onto moping in the dark and playing video games (On a side note, I have gone from a total noob to a pro at Demon’s Souls in a week, almost completed my first play-through and I am rocking some sweet ass armour) I will get back on the horse but as I’m not too worried in terms of finances, I think I’ve earned some time to try and focus on feeling less shitty before getting back into the world of work.

I’m thankful for the people who care about me, checking up on me and showing genuine concern for me when my mood drops. I’m still going to see about counselling and maybe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants from a doctor as there is stuff that is beyond what a friend can deal with and some issues are so deeply seated in the pains of my heart that I just don’t feel I can talk to some people about them. I’m always on and off with this, I listen to a lot of what my friends go through but some of them won’t do the same for me or won’t read up on my blog, which is the best and easiest way of knowing what’s on my mind in detail. I’ve tried to seek the counsel of some friends before and it hasn’t always worked and I’m not expecting it to, they don’t know what to say, some just genuinely can’t stand to hear it and many are far more concerned with their larger troubles in life like not having money for food to eat or a history of abuse keeping them awake at night. So I’ll sort myself out and rely on my friends for what they can feasibly do and I hope nobody takes offence to this article, I’m not shitting on your efforts but just stating that there have been times when I’ve discussed an issue with a friend and they’ve actually told me to stop talking because they don’t want to deal with it. I’ve probably done it to others, maybe karma is making things even.

Still, I’m getting by, money is not as much of a problem, I saved a small sum to tide me over to the new year and I intend to get my act together come January. I’ll let you know how I do with that. I may also look into vlogging, the number of people now saying “If it was a video, I’d watch it, I swear” and so at first I was pissed off taking these people as lazy unappreciative sods who need flashing colours to be amused but if so many people are requesting it and not just because they can’t be arsed to read it but they genuinely want to see me speak and perform, I shall have to oblige and get a YouTube channel. I’ve had offers of help with videos and editing so that should be a fun project to get going. Other than that, the Christmas spirit is surprisingly strong within me, wrapping my gifts for everyone gave me a buzz and I’ve tried my best to be more charitable. So yeah, the world isn’t ending and though times are hard, they could be harder, I’ll get on as I always have done and hope to continue to entertain you all into the new year!

Yet Another Milestone!

Greetings one and all, Old Man Wolfe here to tell you that I’ve finally hit the 5000 view mark. Not bad hey? I’d never have guessed it when I started this back in 2012, I didn’t expect my rants to catch on but they became so popular on Facebook I started my own blog and here I am now with a blog on a steady popularity climb thanks to my latest posts sparking discussions here, there and everywhere. I’ve ranted on a vast spectrum of subjects from the inane to the important, from duck lips and falling trousers all the way up to serious political commentary and speeches on women’s rights. I am now looking to move on towards a new medium, a visual medium with my rants becoming cartoon episodes for your enjoyment on YouTube, with the written counterparts being made available here. With all this in mind, I want to take this opportunity to keep you updated on what to expect from Jacob Wolfe and to thank a few people who got me this far.

So like I said, the next big step for Old Man Wolfe is the migration to YouTube with animated rants to become available on a regular basis, possibly fortnightly or weekly, depends how long it will take. I am doing this because of the possibility of a wider audience on a more universal website and because sadly, I’ve noticed some people just can’t be arsed to read any more. I’d send them the link, wait five minutes to then get vague responses like “Yeah, I liked it” or “That’s good”. I check my site stats, no new views, I know they’re lying to me. You ask them for more detailed thoughts and they panic, nothing to say because they don’t know what I wrote. I’m annoyed at those people but hey, I get it, it’s 2014, most people don’t read anymore.

You’ve perhaps noticed that TDWC has stopped on here, with due reason. The mini episodes I uploaded on here were too short and lacked the depth of plot and character I knew I was capable of and as such, TDWC is back in the workshop to be rejigged as a script, which I may try to get made into a television show in the far future. I mean, I know it’s not Shakespeare, probably not even Moffat, but you need only look at shows like The Midnight Beast and My Mad Fat Diary to know that somewhere out there they need something new. My ultimate ambition for TDWC is for it to one day be a major fandom – I want to see at least one person cosplay as Lee in my life, that’s true recognition for any writer nowadays. Back when I was little, true recognition for a character was when they had their own action figure but now its based on how many people would dress up as them and how many slashfics they star in (Though Lee is 20, Katakura 44 so uh… kinda creepy, unless you’ve ever dreamt of watching Philip Glenister bone Tom Hiddleston. Not that I’d cast those two, they were just the closest lookalikes that came to mind). I don’t want to give too much away about the new TDWC just yet but I can reveal there will be a new female lead to break up the testosterone filled atmosphere a bit, greater depth to the personalities, Vito will be moving forward to a more major role and the entire series will combine nitty-gritty action and drama with a flare of silliness that pays homage to the trench-coat heroes of lore from the likes of Doctor Who and Firefly.

I have other writing ambitions – namely two novels that I want to publish once I can work out the kinks in them. The first is a fantasy adventure that seeks to challenge the conventions of the genre by rebooting a lot of established fantasy species like elves, goblins and such whilst also sending out a special message that will become clear when it is on the shelves. If ever it caught on, I’d desperately seek to avoid it becoming a film, films never live up to books – perhaps a television series or who knows, it’s all just daydreams at the moment. My other novel is a dark short story about the future, a world submersed under water from global warming and ruined by pollution with the rich escaping to Utopia and the passageway for the poor into paradise is to humiliate themselves for money and fame as dancing monkeys and ultimately seek to exaggerate the flaws of our society as they stand and enrage people into demanding better for themselves because part of the problem is us, we allowed this. You see shit on the news about Bieber doing this and that and he does it because he wants our attention, he wants to be immortalised and by putting his face on the TV, we did just that. The story is influenced by the Black Mirror series, headed by my idol Charlie Brooker and I want to take his message and update it before shouting it to the world. I warn you now, when it is available, it will not be comfortable, it will not have a fairy tale ending and it will make you feel something. I hope to have all these projects done at some point in my life.

Well, 5000 views hey? Been a long journey to get here and now I want to give my thanks to those that helped me along. You know who you are, the list of names is a long one. Alice and Epona in particular have never missed a post and always spurred me on to write the next one so an extra huge thanks to them but also to my other loyal friends and followers who encourage me to keep this up. A shout out to my best friend Hannah as well, who has been a long time fan of every creative work I’ve ever done and pesters me consistently for more, which always makes me feel like what I do is worth it. I’d also like to thank Carleen for helping me revitalise some of my more stale ideas and challenge me to do better, even if it meant tearing stuff up and telling me I could do much better if I actually considered it carefully. I often got snarky and mean but I know it was for my own good to improve as a writer. Other than that I’d like to thank my regular readers, to name but a few my good friends Debbi, Sian, Addison and many many more, you all know who you are. Thank you for taking the time to read this and to keep me going with your valuable comments and by passing my rants on to your friends. You may have noticed I have a lot of female friends, like 80% of them are female, long story but it’s certainly not what you’re thinking so get that idea out of your head you silly child. Erhem, anyway, onwards and upwards for Old Man Wolfe. Thank you and watch this space!

PS – I have an apprentice now, a newbie to the world of rants that you may or may not enjoy following for an extra dose of rant from a fresh perspective. A very good friend of mine, she plans to rant about anything that comes to mind and whilst new to blogging on the whole, her first post is a good read. She’s a lot less profane and more courteous than I am but her wits are no less sharp. Please show her your support!

Here’s the link to her home page – http://hannah693.wordpress.com/

If you feel your blog and my own have a connection, or you’re a friend of mine looking to get some free publicity riding on the back of this juggernaut *cough cough*, do get in touch and I may or may not give you a shout out at the end of a rant (Provided I actually enjoy your work, I’m not advertising anything I don’t personally approve of)

Rantimation (Working Title)

Hey, what’s happening dudes? For the record, that’s a reference to Red Dwarf again, not an outbreak of Surferitis. Well, I finally did it, I finally got my hands on some decent animation software – namely Macromedia Flash 8 Professional! I learnt how to use Macromedia 6 or 7 a while back in school and the skills are transferrable, as you’d expect, so I’m currently getting familiar with how to use the software once again so as to bring you your dose of rant in cartoon form. Yes that’s right, animated rants are going to be a thing at last. You see I noticed a lot of people just can’t be arsed to read my stuff anymore, I had assumed that my work was the writing and the publicity but it seems some people, some that I even call friends, are so bone idle that the effort of clicking a button and reading is too strenuous and thus I decided enough is enough, people clearly want me to do more work for them.

I plan to make video rants in future and probably migrate to YouTube for a bigger audience and unlimited uploads (WordPress does give you a certain amount of free space and then it asks for money). The written articles will be presented here for those that prefer to read, can’t understand my accent or can’t get YouTube to load so fear not, I’m not abandoning you fellow WordPressers… Pressees? What’s a WordPress user called, other than blogger? Never mind. The animation won’t be anything terrific, don’t expect some sort of Ricepirate or Harry Partridge level artistic quality, it’ll be a notch above ZP but still a few steps short of Cyanide and Happiness. I’m going to assume you know all of those channels, if not, you should. Like seriously, people need to take up my recommended reads/views, it’s usually something pretty damn funny or good for the mind. Anyway, so yeah, that’s that. The animation is going to be rather basic because I really cannot be arsed to learn to make works of artistic masterpiece when really it’s what I’m saying that matters, not the cartoon. The cartoon is so your eyes don’t get bored, because I know what some of you are like in this modern age of attention spans so short goldfish with ADHD tell you to calm the fuck down.

Now I plan to trawl through my site stats and see what rants would be particularly good made into cartoons for your amusement and it’ll probably be the ones containing the best imagery, highest popularity ratings and are still relevant to this day (After all some rants may have become a little dated, especially the ones based on the news of the time). I might do more upon serious demand and I hope that in future each rant will be animated. For obvious reasons then you can expect the frequency of my posts to decrease because the whole drawing and animating thing takes for fucking ages to get anywhere. At the moment, I’ve mostly been dicking around with a puppet form of myself by drawing various silly faces onto the blank canvas of my ball shaped head only to then make puppet Jake dance or jog or skip. Given time, I’m sure I’ll relearn everything I need to get something actually done and I hope to something to show for my efforts before the end of February.

I have also decided I need to work on projecting my voice a little more clearly because those who have physically met me will tell you I have a voice that sounds like someone threw marbles into a cement mixer and then called it music. I don’t so much speak as grumble and sadly it’s something everyone in my household does yet we all complain to each other about nobody speaking English properly. I do of course have good clear diction and I’ve even performed so perhaps it won’t be too much of a stretch to put on a presentational voice but it may take me a while and some friends of mine will likely be badgered with snippets of me speaking as I ask them if I appear to be talking in something other than the low groan of a slowly dying buffalo. I’m one of those people who hates listening to their own voice on tape because to me, my voice sounds quite sexy and broody, but when I hear it played back to me on a video it sounds like someone did a half-arsed job of asphyxiating Daniel Radcliffe.

Who knows where the animation will take me, hopefully to greater levels of recognition. In the far future, if ever I catch on, maybe I’ll invest in a graphics tablet and hand draw my animations (Because when drawing by hand, I can actually draw pretty well – I’ll have to get you some proof at some point) but I didn’t want to fork out upward of £50 on a project I might lose heart for in a few weeks. I do it a lot, I have spontaneous bursts of inspiration to do shit followed by hitting a brick wall and going “Oh fuck it all, it was a stupid idea… I’ll do something else like… uh… invent a new card game! Boom! Yeah! Fuck you Yu-Gi-… Oh, oh crap… no… never mind”. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. I’d like to think if ever I caught on I could get guest animators in and maybe one day achieve a status as being on par with Yahtzee and Charlie Brooker. Ambition drives us all folks, let a man dream. Anyway, thought you all deserved an update and hopefully before long, you’ll be watching my rants instead of reading them!

Coming Soon!

Hello there peoples of the internet, hope I’m not interrupting your search for sloth memes and dead baby jokes. Well, the whiteboard arrived at last so I’m going to see about getting started on animating a video rant pretty soon. I hope you’re excited… or even interested… slightly curious? In any case, don’t expect the world of me because although it will be hand-drawn stop motion animation, it won’t be a seamless ‘Draw My Life’ gig for two major reasons:

1. The style of my rants is aggressive and rough-edged so to match that up to beautiful illustration with loving detail and aesthetic rhythm would look too bizzare – much in the same way you wouldn’t tie a red ribbon around your penis before your honeymoon.

2. To draw in that style would imply I can. I can draw, certainly, but it’s a hell of a lot of effort to draw true works of art every time I want to rant and I’m not up for it.

So, what can you expect from me? I’m not going to be treating your eyes to such visual splendour your tear ducts will release jizz but rather, a quirky little stop motion that will draw from the style model of the infamous Zero Punctuation. Yahtzee, writer, animator and narrator of the series, uses basic animation alongside sophisticated and verbose rants to deliver his point of view without distraction or hesitation, and I often find myself inspired by his works so I’m going to emulate his style to some degree. Plagiarism, I hear you cry, but by emulate I don’t mean rip off but rather, take inspiration from. I will be using basic animation but it will distinctly be my own work you see on your screen, not some total tool trying too hard to be someone else.

The video rant will be available on my blog but I will also see about setting up a YouTube account exclusively for my rants, as I aim to animate more and more of them. If you are interested in animating some of my work yourself, go for it but do give me some credit for the written work and send me a link won’t you? I don’t expect to hit Game Grumps success on that front and be bombarded with countless fan creations but it’d be nice to see someone try it.

Now then, the video rant I will animate first is tricky to decide so it’s up to you, my lovely lovely audience to decide. That’s right, you’re going to be working on this too. You didn’t honestly expect me to be your monkey butler and serve you my soul on a silver platter without a tip did you? Foolish human, you must help me decide what I am to do. Is there a particular favourite you want to see brought to life as a cartoon? A topic of interest you’d love to see me beat to death with a club? I could bundle together some little things that piss me off and make a video about that? Please, I ask that you leave your opinions below, it won’t take long honestly. You can write a comment can’t you? The floor is open to suggestions and I promise this isn’t a trap so that I can call you out as a useless twerp and then cyber-bully you into non-existence. If you’ve got something to say, I will listen.

Hopefully, video rants will be the future for Old Man Wolfe and if they take off then I may consider buying some serious software and improving the quality but I’m not going to fork out at this stage to find my videos are not of any interest to the world. Do not expect crisp clean audio and perfectly drawn creations, but I promise to deliver good content and implement some aspects of visual humour to get an extra giggle out of you. For now then, I’ve got to learn how to animate properly and think of what to make my YouTube début about and as I said, suggestions are encouraged. Thanks for reading, keep watching this page. Current view figures are 1341 total views!

PS – If you haven’t seen Zero Punctuation, look it up.