So I want to continue to explain my viewpoint on the recent bombing and as I currently lack video editing software to make a video on the subject, I’m going to relay a comical little analogy about bombing using David Cameron, Jeremy Corbyn and water balloons. You might argue making a funny blog post about such a tragedy undermines the gravity of the situation but the point is to laugh at the absurd logic of the characters and heighten awareness of the issue. You’ll think the characters stupid and ridiculous and when you do, realise that those stupid characters represent our government.
So, to set the scene, David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn are hanging out together when along comes a guy wearing an ISIS t-shirt who calls David a wanker and runs and hides in a bar called The Syrian. David, pissed off by this, quickly goes home and makes himself a great big box of water balloons, whilst Jeremy watches with a look of concern.
JEREMY: David, I really don’t think this is a good idea
DAVID: Look, he called me a wanker. How many other people has he done that to? I’m going to make him and his friends learn a harsh lesson about common decency
JEREMY: By pelting balloons at them? Why don’t we at least talk to them first?
DAVID: Talk to them? If they’re willing to call strangers wankers, what makes you think they’re reasonable human beings?
JEREMY: Well maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, can’t hurt to try talking first
DAVID: Nah, I’ll lob balloons at them, asked my mates about it, they think it’s a great idea too
JEREMY: But you can’t just storm into a pub and lob water balloons around willy-nilly, you’ll get everyone soaking wet and angry
DAVID: I’m a really good shot with a water balloon, honest
So they go along to The Syrian, David and his mates with a box of balloons, Jeremy wandering after them with his own friends who mostly have hangdog expressions upon their faces. The Syrian is a relatively packed bar, with mostly ordinary people inside but there are some people wearing those ISIS shirts, mostly tormenting the other patrons and demanding free drinks. David sneers.
DAVID: See, those ISIS guys are dicks, look what they’re doing in there
JEREMY: Yeah well I don’t see how us going in there pelting people with balloons fixes the matter
DAVID: Well they probably have balloons too, I heard they were in that French bar the other day, they caused some real fucking mischief in there, I’m telling you
JEREMY: True, but the ISIS guys in the French bar don’t come to this bar or vice versa
David shrugs and starts throwing balloons, cheered on by his mates and even some of Jeremy’s mates start laughing and cheering. The balloon barrage begins, Jeremy watching uncomfortably as ISIS guys and normal patrons alike get pelted with balloons. Just then, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia comes along, watches what is going on and David explains. Abdullah laughs and asks if he can have some water balloons, which David agrees to and Abdullah wanders off with them, Jeremy watching him leave with some suspicion.
JEREMY: I think he’s going to give the ISIS guys some balloons
DAVID: Nah, we’re bezzie mates me and Abdu
JEREMY: Since when? You do realise Abdullah hangs out with the ISIS guys too right? He probably calls you a wanker behind your back
DAVID: Yeah but he’s sound really, we hang out too, he buys my lunch whenever we meet up. Plus, he gave me like, a tenner for ten balloons, good deal right?
Sure enough, the ISIS guys in the bar now have balloons, throwing their balloons back at David and even handing balloons out to other patrons in the pub, telling them David started the fight so he’s the one responsible for all this. Some patrons hurry out of the bar, pushing past David and company, some stick with the ISIS guys and some just lie there and get pelted with balloons. Jeremy voices his concern again.
JEREMY: Now everyone in that bar hates us, I’m pretty sure we can’t come here ever again
DAVID: I didn’t know this was going to happen ok? I just came here hoping to get the ISIS crew, the other guys just got in the way and that’s a shame but what am I supposed to do?
JEREMY: Stop throwing balloons?
DAVID: But I’ve hit so many ISIS guys
JEREMY: And lots more non-ISIS guys. You do realise they’ll all hide in our pub now right? I mean, I don’t have a problem with that but you hate anyone who isn’t your mate hanging out in our regular haunt
DAVID: Shut up Jezza, I’ll just tell the barman to shut the doors. Worked for that French pub. Besides, the water balloon fight is well under way now, if I stop throwing balloons, that doesn’t mean they’ll stop
JEREMY: They might if you apologise and leave them alone, maybe offer them a towel afterwards?
DAVID: What am I? A bloody towel merchant? Look shut up and toss a balloon already
But of course, Jeremy doesn’t and the balloon fight continues, with everyone involved getting soaked to the bone by the back and forth of balloons and David keeps giving balloons to his friend Abdullah, who then gives balloons to the ISIS crew, who are nutters that just fucking love balloons. Eventually, they’re all going to be too wet to throw any more balloons and everyone will be miserable and have a cold and need to wring out their shirts and only then will David realise he had done something very dumb and now the ISIS guys have left the pub out the back door, hiding in various other pubs waiting for David or his mates to come in so they can hit them in the face with their own balloons. David will have to apologise to the owner for throwing so many balloons and setting off a huge fight (The Syrian has had a tense atmosphere, people don’t much like the management and the ISIS guys stir up trouble a lot of the time) and whilst his apology will be reluctantly accepted, David probably won’t get served in that place and by extension, neither will his mates or even Jeremy most likely, just for association.
Now this was all very silly but if you read this thinking that David is a bit of a twat, guess what, this is a very scaled down and simplified reconstruction of the decision to bomb Syria. I’m not using this as the end-all argument, I’m not that stupid and taken literally, this post is not a great explanation of our situation but it gives those of you lagging behind a simpler model to refer to instead of combing through news articles (Though I implore you to get up to speed). Bombing a whole nation, even with ‘targeted precise airstrikes’, is akin to running into a bar and throwing stuff at the people you don’t like and when people say that’s a bad idea, you respond with “But I’m really good at throwing stuff, I promise I won’t break anything by accident”. Yeah, when has that ever worked? Funny thing is, David’s predecessor, Tony, had this same idea twice over and neither time did it work out and David thought him a twat for it at the time but now David’s had the idea, it’s suddenly genius.
We don’t want war and if we did, Syria isn’t the enemy, Syria hates ISIS as much as we do, they’re the victims, the trapped masses forced to fight under their flag or die in the gutter and presented with that choice, it’s noble to say you’d rather die but many of us would cower from sacrifice and live as bastards. Our problem nations are the ones pumping money into ISIS and slipping them munitions for further chaos – Turkey, Saudi Arabia – but we don’t start beef with them because they’re our allies and they have a lot of money that we want and that they’ll give us if we give them munitions… which somehow end up in the hands of ISIS. You see the problem here? Moral bankruptcy for financial gain, such is the way of our government and this has led us to declare war on a country that is still reeling from the last one it had.