2014 Retrospective

Trigger Warnings – Mentions of suicide/depression, related to Robin Williams

2014 was a pretty full year, granted it’s not quite done yet but I’ll be damned if I’m waiting to the very last second for every single morsel of news and trivia to include in here. I had originally thought of making a month by month Charlie Brooker-esque look back at the news of the year – media, films, business, politics, technology, war – all that jazz and more but my god was there a lot to cover, far too much to squeeze into my usual article length. I mean, when I look back at the year, it feels like it went on forever, not like 2013 which sorta came and went for me at least.

A strange year, we lost many great names and we saw twerks and jerks all over our News Feeds – Russell Brand became a ‘revolutionary’, the battle for equality escalated tremendously with victories for Gay Marriage cropping up across the US, Scotland voted on independence, photos were hacked and made global, cinemas cowered from cyber threats, Rocket Raccoon became a recognisable character to the mainstream and we learnt the dark truths behind some famous faces of yesteryear. So much to cover on one little blog, some of it I only really rediscovered in my research and was surprised at how recent things had been and just how much had happened. I’ll cover what I can, in brief summary.

So globally, the most searched names were those of Robin Williams, Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian. Robin Williams being one of the most tragic losses, at least to me and to the public community, and he served as a reminder as to the truth of depression – that outward appearances do not portray inner feelings for this man who brought nothing but joy felt such intense sadness and pain inside that it eventually overcame him, that’s a blog post in itself, something I can relate to, but I’ll leave it be for now. Jennifer Lawrence, of course, was constantly in the public eye for her various film appearances in the likes of Hunger Games films and X-Men First Class, as well as being a victim of the nude photo hack scandal. To clear up my stance on that one, she’s a victim and no she shouldn’t have just not taken the pictures of herself, that’s like saying if you don’t want to be robbed, don’t own valuables, victims are victims, criminals are criminals, stop blurring the lines. Yes, leaving a door unlocked will let a burglar into the house more easily but I can walk post a door and not open it, if someone goes ahead and walks in where they’re not invited, they need to be punished accordingly, we shouldn’t shrug and say it was inevitable. As for Kim, Kim tried to ‘break the internet’ by posing naked on a magazine cover, apparently forgetting the internet already knows what she looks like naked. I heard talk of it being brave or bold or stupid or whatever, I just shrugged, it was the least spectacular bit of ‘news’ I’d ever read, it’s why I’d never even considered doing an article on it – I refuse to make my blog into a celebrity gossip dump.

In film, we had the undying popularity of Frozen linger on well into Christmas this year, so much so various shops had to enforce maximum budgets on customer purchases for Frozen merchandise, we had Guardians of the Galaxy make Marvel a shit ton more money than they already had, there were Hobbits and Ninja Turtles all over the place, Lego became a film… somehow, Divergent joined the roster of “Dystopian teen fiction made into long running Hollywood money machine” novels, and we learnt that Benedict Cumberbatch REALLY can’t say penguins and that apes can outmatch the military. A lot of good films, a lot of not so good films, a lot of films I meant to watch and didn’t but the most part of it was “You know what we need? A team of characters standing around in epic poses whilst stuff explodes, it made Marvel rich, it must be the key to immortality or something” – so much so the freakin’ Penguins of Madagascar parodies the scene with the penguins stood in the trademark everyone-is-here-let’s-stand-back-to-back position and their leader saying to hold the position until maximum coolness is achieved. I still have a lot of these films to catch up on, Big Hero 6 looks fun, definitely need to see The Theory of Everything and wouldn’t mind giving some of the others a go just to say I have done. Of course, there was the fiasco with The Interview, which has been resolved with online releases, though there is a discussion in that for another day maybe.

World news, the big charity pushes this year were the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that every fucker and their nan took part in and the fight against Ebola, which America handled by saying “OH GOD NO AFRICANS WILL KILL US ALL, EBOLA IS EVERYWHERE!” whilst actual charities worked hard to clear up the damages and the rumours. We heard news reports on wars and conflicts across the globe, so much so it all sort of blurred into one horrid mess for people who didn’t follow these things, myself included. Conflicts in Gaza, Israel, Crimea, Ukraine, it became this endless stream of human beings just doing horrid stuff to one another and I daren’t even step on the subject because I just didn’t read up on it, it passed me by, I’m sure it did for most of you – the advantages of our lifestyles huh? We have our complaints and financial insecurity but there are considerably less guns and explosions in Shrewsbury, I’ll give you that much. In my neck of the woods, UKIP enjoyed a surge in support, much to my disgust, but at least the Greens did too. Scotland had their vote on independence and said it wasn’t for them, which to me is a wise decision, Britain as a whole barely stays afloat, breaking chunks off won’t do anyone any favours. Yes, that’s very brief and vague, so what?

Ugh, my gosh, over a thousand words, barely scratched the surface. I haven’t covered ISIS or Ferguson or the Sochi Olympics or Peaches Geldof or Conchita Wurst or… do you see my point? A lot happened this year, it’s impractical for a man of my limited resources to go into these things in one go so maybe this post will jog some memories of “Oh yeah, that happened” and start a few discussions. Truth be told, in this modern age, our attention spans are short, things don’t stay relevant very long – try it, do an ice bucket challenge now, see who gives a flip. Come 2015, we’ll have forgotten most of this year, I’ve certainly forgotten most of 2013 and 2012 before that. Anyway, perhaps slightly more interesting, tomorrow I’ll do a review of 2014 for me as a person rather than parroting Google searches. I have a lot to say there and it’ll be my way of signing off this year, letting it go

Letting it go… let it go… oh fuck

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Patriots and Nationalists

Trigger Warnings – Strong language in some places.

I remember when I first heard the word ‘patriot’, it was in school, I must have been about ten years old and my teacher said it meant someone who was proud of their home nation, to put it simply. I thought this was true of most people and indeed it is but it was a word that I rarely heard being used, even in a country like Britain, for most of my life I never heard people refer to themselves as patriotic because it was just a given but now? Patriot is one of those words you just can’t escape any more and the problem with a common place word is that it is open to being used in the wrong context, this is the fate the word irony suffers at the hands of hipsters, or the word random suffers at the hands of those sorts of girls who shout out their love of dinosaurs and cheese and pink hair. I think we need to define the difference between a patriot and a nationalist, they are similar but not the same and so many people I encounter claiming they are ‘British Patriots’ are in fact, nationalists – nationalism being an irresponsible and selfish viewpoint whereas patriotism being perfectly fine and commendable.

Here’s some food for thought to start the discussion:

Patriotism is proud of a country’s virtues and eager to correct its deficiencies; it also acknowledges the legitimate patriotism of other countries, with their own specific virtues. The pride of nationalism, however, trumpets its country’s virtues and denies its deficiencies, while it is contemptuous toward the virtues of other countries. It wants to be, and proclaims itself to be, “the greatest,” but greatness is not required of a country; only goodness is – Sydney J. Harris

That’s a good quote but that was just the appetiser, here’s something to really sink your teeth into:

The difference between patriotism and nationalism is that the patriot is proud of his country for what it does, and the nationalist is proud of his country no matter what it does; the first attitude creates a feeling of responsibility, but the second a feeling of blind arrogance that leads to war – Sydney J. Harris

Now, do you notice a recurring theme here with his quotes? Granted, same guy said both quotes but this man was no fool, he was a widely respected columnist and author, as well as an advocate for women’s rights, pro-choice stances and bringing an end to the death penalty, which might land him in the eyes of a lefty-tosser to some of you but this man held honorary doctorates, awards from the National Conference of Christians and the Chicago Newspaper Guild, I think that earns him some merit. Even without it, he makes a good point about patriotism and nationalism, one that reminds me of something a friend of mine once said in that patriotism is rooting for the home team and turning up at their matches, nationalism is believing the team to be infallible and destroying the stadium at away games. A patriot feels a sense of responsibility to their country and even love has the ability to step back and tell someone they have failed or done wrong, you do not truly love someone if you blindly agree with everything that comes out of their mouth. You have to take pride in their achievements and feel the shame of their shortcomings, encouraging them to do their absolute best.

I hear some people speak of a foreign threat, this was what UKIP appealed to and it’s what Republicans appeal to in America, making people cautious and wary of those that are different in colour or religion or way of life, accusing them of stealing from your country’s resources or trying to bring their culture into your home and ruin your old traditions for you with their strange new ways. Ok, straight away, no white person alive has the right to say “You come over here with your foreign ways and try to make us change? Fuck off!”, that’s what our ancestors did to three quarters of the globe, I think we can overlook building a mosque when we had them baptised and decapitated once upon a time. If you are proud of your country and it’s traditions, you needn’t feel threatened when these changes come, the traditions will live on through you and all traditions need to adapt anyway, that is how we advance as a society from traditions of sacrificing lambs to idols into gathering in churches on a Sunday, someone has to say “Actually, how about we don’t do that any more? It seems a bit primitive/cruel/unfair/silly”. As for patriotism, well, you should be proud that your country is growing and attracting more people and encourage everyone to work together, but it becomes nationalism when you expect them to become like you to be allowed to live amongst you. I remember my stepmother taking her citizenship test to live here, the stuff she had to know was more than nine out of ten Brits actually did know about the country but even so, just because someone has moved to a new country, they haven’t left their heritage for dirt, what they must adhere to in order to live somewhere is the law, they don’t have to adopt the national stereotype to prove themselves worthy.

I’m mostly speaking to Britain here, I was inspired by a UKIP MP actually tearing down his own party for their racist views and that they need to avoid thinking about isolationist views because Britain became ‘Great’ through its allies and neighbours, we didn’t get given the prefix by God as if to say “Yep, you guys are really on the ball with that society you’ve got there, top job, God is British too, keep it up lads”. After all, that term in its most basic form was coined almost two thousand years ago and literally just meant “The bigger bit of the British Isles”, with Ireland being called “The smaller bit of the British Isles”. Don’t get it twisted, I love Britain, I really do, but it is because I’m proud of these isles that I don’t want it become a hive for hateful ignorants telling people to go away and never bother trying to change anything. I know some may strive for the traditions of old but as I said yesterday, that includes bear baiting, where do you want to draw the line? Britain, before it gained friends overseas, was a struggling little island with an infant mortality problem and an 80 hour work week in some instances, is that what we want to bring back?

Charlie Brooker made a good joke about this a while ago about how he liked Britain before the Romanians and the Poles and the Irish and the French and the Normans and the Vikings and the Anglo-Saxons and the Romans, that was proper Britain, clearly exaggerating nationalism to the most radical extreme but perfectly valid. Nationalism is a related philosophy to tribalism when you think about it, it is not a love of the British public as a whole, it is a love of their allies. I mean think about it, really think, could you imagine Nigel Farage calling the left-wing political parties his brethren and respected allies, or even addressing them as good people? Boris Johnson called the left-wing party ‘tossers’, and admittedly I refer to my fellow Brits of wealth and status as entitled pricks, which is a tribal view point, a sort of “If you’re not one of us, you’re against us” mentality more befitting the Great Khans of Fallout than a political party. If you dare speak against the tribe, you’re disloyal, you’re disrespecting your great homeland, you’re a sympathiser with an imagined foe and should be shunned and loathed. Nationalism is essentially thinking your tribe or country deserves the status of the best, which is silly, we’re not in competition, not really, we all share a planet and at the end of the day, countries are invented concepts and if God exists, he won’t gather us all together in a thousand years and say “So it turns out the USA did the best at being a good country, all Americans shall get to go to VIP Heaven and hang out with Jesus, the rest of you get to go to Commoner’s Heaven and polish halos for a living!”

I know there’s an air of ridicule in this post but we need to be clear, you are not a patriot if you support a nationalistic party or believe you live in the best country ever or that your current society is what people should aim for, there is no set guideline as to what a country is supposed to be, a lot of people say we all want to be America really but that’s because it’s a rich nation and everyone wants to be rich. Support your nation, by all means, love it and wear the colours, but respect that people aren’t obliged to take part, even if they’re your next door neighbour, and if you ever start dismissing people for having a different cultural background to you or a desire to practice their own religion or language despite living in a place not reflecting that background, take a step back and imagine it the opposite way round. White people fear a white minority because they’re worried we’d be treated the way we treat them – racism, intolerance and ignorance bordering on being abused simply for existing. In time, maybe we can live in a world where no minority need ever live in constant fear, where every man and woman is a valid peer as should be true of democracy, and lord knows we all love a good democracy.

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That Wily Fox Cameron

Trigger Warnings – Animal abuse/death, death by asphyxiation

So this is in the news, and I shit you not here, David Cameron has promised that if the Tories win the next election, one of their priorities will be legalising fox hunting after the ban placed on it by the Labour Government of 2004. I am not joking, this is a serious issue to him apparently, one he needs to address if he gets to have his way in the next election and I’m here to put in my say for those of you who are interested because in lieu of actually slapping Cameron around the ear and telling him to be less of an entitled rich prick, this is the best I can realistically do on the matter.

No points for guessing where I stand on this issue then, in typical Green Party supporting, gay marriage okaying, upper class hating fashion, I’m against this primitive bloodsport, they say it is the sport of kings but it hardly seems that dignified and noble to ride a horse after a pack of angry dogs chasing down a lone fox or a deer and then letting them rip it apart or shoot at it, it’s not sport if one team has a clear and consistent advantage – give the fox a team of his mates and some weapons, then it’s a sport. Anyway, I’m not alone in this, in 2012 a public opinion poll showed 81% of the general public were against repealing the ban from eight years prior and though there are a large number of people supporting lifting this ban, these people are an entitled few. Now I’m not against stamping on people’s private joys, you do what you will but when your idea of having a good time involves the word ‘killing’, that’s not fair, what right do you have to kill for amusement?

Nigel Farage also wants to repeal this ban, he’s not called it a priority besides his policies on immigration and such but when Farage and Cameron agree on something, it worries me, the Kippers consist of breakaways from the Tories but in this instance we see them holding hands and as if a testament as to how out of touch Cameron is with the world, he’s running into the arms of UKIP and asking for a hug and a pint of fox blood. In the grand scheme of things, is hunting really an issue that needs addressing that badly? We have people living in poverty, apparently immigration is a major issue and there are still people without jobs and students racking up massive debts for daring to invest in their own future but nope, whether or not rich people can give the fox both barrels is much more important. A politician, ideally, should be a vessel for the will of the people, the one with the legal power to do what Joe Everyman wants to see made better about society and even in a town as rural and traditional as Shrewsbury, I’ve seen maybe two car window stickers saying “Support Fox Hunting!”. I mean, this is ridiculous that it’s even come up, this is not something worth investing resources into discussing when there are soldiers dying, children starving and companies trouncing our tax systems – are the Tories so out of touch that they honestly have to prioritise this ridiculous pass time for the rich? Do they really care so little for the people beneath them that they’re like “Oh sorry Britain, I know you’re all peeved about this wealth inequality situation but can we all take a moment of our time to decide whether or not my mates and I have your permission to go shoot woodland critters? Thanks!”

I’m not an idiot, I know there are necessary culls and population booms and jobs that rely upon hunting, I know that people will say “It’s nature, it’s good for the animals to be hunted to keep them fit!” (Which is a load of bollocks, foxes and deer have no natural predator in this country other than farmers so… they’re only learning the lesson of avoid human beings, they have muskets) but this is a cruel and inhumane way to go about controlling the population, the animals suffer a lot for the sake of fun, fun and suffering are not supposed to go together,we know that, we lock up people who think they do. You might speak of preserving tradition, of standing up for what defines our country but does that mean we need to bring back bear-baiting, the cruel process of sicking a pack of starved mongrels on a shaved and beaten bear? Or how about we bring back the British tradition of public hangings? We used to take the kids out to watch the Hangman’s Jig! Traditions should not be preserved simply because “It’s what our forefathers did!”, yeah, our ancestors used to shit in holes and display severed heads in their garden as a sign of status, we stopped those things, we can stop hunting as well – we must constantly challenge traditions for their flaws and adapt them to the times we live in for a fairer society. Some say the Hunting Act was an attack on the lives of the rural people but I’m sorry, pleasure and slaughter are not supposed to go together, that’s just how it works.

The argument about fox hunting, in particular legalising it, distracts from the real issues at hand and if Cameron brings it up, it’s going to detract from the core values of his party – immigration control, a stronger economy and welfare regulation reform – I don’t want the Tories to win the next election but even so, this is just a bad move, it’s using power and status to defend private interests. Heck, even UKIP said that whilst they want the ban lifted, it’s not something they’re actively fighting for just yet, immigration control comes first. You know something isn’t right when UKIP have more common sense… I NEVER thought I’d say that about them, ever…

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It’s All Kicking Off Now!

Trigger Warnings – None.

For those of you more partial to articles in which I have a bit of a laugh, here’s one for you, but it also ties in with politics rather neatly, in particular Nigel Farage. So what’s the story? Well, Nigel has become the target of mockery once again, this time through the form of a mobile app called Ukik. Ukik is a game in which you play as Nicholas Fromage, leader of the extreme right-wing party UKIK and it is your job to kick immigrants off a cliff. Granted, the premise sounds like a fun game for a racist, you’re essentially punting Middle Easterners and Europeans into the sea from the cliffs of Dover but this game is made as a direct fart in the general direction of such creeds of people, it further exaggerates already controversial opinions of the party into full-on raving madness and even scores you according to your level of racism. So without further ado, let’s talk about this game and how the beloved man of the people chose to respond.

The game was developed by five young teenagers with the intention of poking fun at right-wing ideals and playing along with the well-established British tradition of turning a serious figure of authority into a character for comedy, Monty Python walked that line so frequently and thoroughly they had to move onto making a fool out of Jesus to feel satisfied after jokes about MPs didn’t scratch the itch any more. The group of game designers apparently enjoy making games about what is topical at the time to encourage people to discuss the subjects and with Farage seeming to be here to stay, sadly, they felt it was time he was given the proper treatment of the British public – a right royal piss take. UKIK has already received praise from the Ambition House of Canterbury Academy as those who download the app start to take a more earnest interest in politics, presumably saying “There’s no way they based this on a real guy right?”. The game is a bit out there, after all for all intents and purposes the aim of the game is still punting non-white people off a cliff whilst your avatar is a rich white guy but it’s entertainment and not for the rich white people of the world and all that aside, it’s a mobile game you won’t know about without being told so the British political system isn’t going to crumple and fall from it.

Nigel Farage decided to comment on the game and called it ‘pathetic’, saying that it ‘crossed the line’ and whilst he accepts the fact high profile public figures are targets for comedy, he doesn’t appreciate being depicted as a racist. Yes, shame on you for depicting Nigel Farage as a racist, he just hates non-white people! Erhem, Nigel Farage says he usually has a good sense of humour and that people know that much about him but there’s a line between a joke and slander which this game crosses for him. Frankly, Nigel Farage’s sense of humour seems to be on and off, he’s up for a joke at the expense of any fucker except himself like the egotistical twerp that he is.

Nigel is angry, very angry, this game is an insult to him but if I were in his shoes, I’d take some lessons away from it – one, I’m certainly culturally relevant if people are making a fool out of me in this way, that means the public know who I am and I should be flattered I’m now a well-established figure with the public such as Margaret Thatcher and George Bush, targets for abuse and mockery yes, but never forgotten. Secondly, Farage should think about why people see him in this light? Is there grounds to this joke or is it depraved and baseless humour meant for the unenlightened imbecile? The joke seems to be on your policies of immigration and dreams of jolly old England so this is the response you have merited for yourself with such talk. So, if you want to pout and throw a tantrum about this harmless game that looks like it’d be funny for ten minutes and then fade into the backdrop, what does that say about you Nigel? You can’t let one joke slide can you? You’d have seemed a better man for laughing along, maybe even encouraging the game developers to make a game mocking your rivals and you know, this was a missed opportunity to say how great it is to see young people getting involved in politics… oh wait, your target demographic is angry old men… never mind.

In summary, Farage is an idiot, so what else is new? High profile figures will always be loved and hated and whilst some will sing their praises, some will just take the mickey and that’s about it. Farage chose to respond rather humourlessly, which reminds us that he isn’t one of us, he’s a vain penny-pinching racist that can’t stand even the slightest stain on his bright white ego. So that’s that really. Where can I download this game I wonder?

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Clash of the Douches

Trigger Warnings – Contains Nigel Farage

You know what I hate about topical blogging? Having to keep up with total tossers that the world deems newsworthy. I decided to get back into the swing of things I’d take a swing at Nigel Farage and Russell Brand, two of my least favourite human beings who got into a heated debate on British television over immigration, inequality and breast-feeding. I wish I could just shrug and look past this but it’s a slow week for me, this might provide some amusement.

Now usually you hear debate and you expect statistics, you expect clever rhetoric, you expect science and logic and mutual respect but then again this is British politics, it’s more a game of who can call their opponent a twat in the most colourful way possible and then burble a bit. I want to side with Brand, I really do, he is right about a few things but he’s so overly floral and lacking in real substance that I feel like he can’t really be the best voice out there to represent people like me surely? I don’t want to do his job for him, I think I’d go mad if I had to sit next to Farage for an hour, one of us would be dead, but Brand is just a floppy haired nitwit. You might think I’m just throwing barbs around but that was all that I could see going on between those two, though Farage seemed to be better at actually sticking to the format of Question Time, he did answer questions, stupid answers but y’know, answers, not just “You’re wrong” rambling like Brand.

The audience wanted Brand to actually properly take the stage of politics and run as an MP but he declined, apparently scared of becoming corrupt and impure like he’s a messiah or something. I’m sorry, I don’t buy that Brand, if you have faith in yourself and in your argument, you would not be corrupted, corruption only affects those who lose their way. Farage, in that sense, beats Brand because Farage has conviction, his ideas are extreme and idiotic but he fights for them with clout whereas Brand just sorta waffles and preaches for a bit. David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, whatever you think of these people they deserve the credit for having ideas and beliefs that they actively work to make into reality, sometimes falling short but it’s not as if Cameron spends his time in Downing Street watching Spongebob and eating Pick’N’Mix, he’s running the country.

Brand and Farage both like to lay blame willy-nilly, Brand on the rich, Farage on the foreign. Has life in Britain changed that much since 1990? Yes and no and that’s a blog post in itself, perhaps I can go on about that tomorrow. Yes we are in an economic crisis and it could easily be tackled if Google and Starbucks paid the UK what it owes in tax and no the shortcomings of this society aren’t the work of gremlins from Albania dragging us down into poverty, we live in a cycle of blame placing and shoulder shrugging really, it’s laughable or it would be if it wasn’t the world we actually live in. I mean, after the show was done, both Brand and Farage wrote mean articles about each other like teenagers bitching on Facebook.

The problem is charisma, these two are characters, the loveable rogue and the man’s man of politics and that’s great, we need characters to get people interested but when politics becomes a popularity contest you can vote in any old douchewad based on the cut of their jib or their lively persona. I mean, if my generation read up a bit more I swear I’d have many more friends voting Green but as it stands they just don’t bother and perhaps that’s an issue a true party of the people should address, why do people just see politicians as faceless suits or extreme nutjobs? We need to remember politics is a ruling factor in the way we live our lives, it’s all well and good voting in the guy who drinks a pint and grumbles about terrorists and Muslims but you’re giving them the keys to the kingdom and do you want them on a throne? Really? Would you trust that person with your car? Your house? Your kids? Your life?

As for the breast-feeding remark from Farage, saying women should sit in a corner to do it, grow up. It’s normal, it’s natural, perhaps your mother did it once, perhaps she didn’t and thus the oral fixation on cigars and shite. I may have another blog post idea here already, tying in with the idea from earlier but we need to mature, all of us, and live and let live really. The blame lies on all of us though – companies should pay tax, people should be educated on policies and their impact, youngsters shouldn’t just dismiss everything, old people shouldn’t just pine for the past and ruin the future – we need to shape up, seriously.

There you go Britain, that’s my political slogan for you all – Jacob Wolfe, wanting the world to grow up!

Divine Retribution, Flip-Flops and Children

Hello. No doubt you’ve noticed increasingly large gaps between rants and for that I apologise, I’ve been rather ill of late – struggling with a nasty cough and starting to think it’s a chest infection of the “Fuck your lungs” variety, must see a GP about that. Anyway, I tell you what’s a bigger fuck you at the moment, the things I’d like to say to the moronic UKIP Councillor David Silvester, as well as Vladimir Putin and the ruling bodies of the state of Oklahoma and all for the same reason – their utterly ridiculous views on homosexuality and gay rights. As a relative and friend of many people of many sexualities (Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Pan/Asexual/Demisexual), I believe that it is one of those things nobody should have a say in except you. I’m pretty open-minded, despite what some of you might think, and to me it’s a case of you do what you do, I’ll do what I do. I don’t care if you like boys, girls, both, neither or pineapples, I’m not within my rights to tell you not to bonk what you want to bonk (Well, except in certain cases, all has to be consensual!). However, there are still some of us too afraid of change or too bleeding ignorant to let bygones be bygones and gays be gays or whatever, instead insisting on their speeches of hate. I could go on forever about this hot topic but for today, let me vent my frustration at some of the latest prime idiots.

I’ll start with UKIP Councillor David Silvester, the mouthpiece of the heavens apparently. America has been struggling with a polar vortex, which granted sounds a lot like an energy drink but is in fact enough snow to make even penguins pack their bags. British weather, meanwhile, is doing what it does best, raining. A lot. We are talking God pissing down on our heads level of rain which coincidentally is the belief held by David Silvester who says that the freak weather patterns are a result of allowing gay marriage in the UK. I don’t know about you but other than sounding completely bat-shit crazy, it’s a weird way for God to tell us what’s on his mind. I never understood this argument really, blaming natural disasters on society angering God by doing something ‘unholy’ – surely God’s infinite wisdom would allow him to make his point more obvious. If God opposed gay marriage specifically, you’d be reading articles like “17 recently married gay couples all struck down by lightning!”, not “Floods? God must hate dykes!” – Get it? Get it? Ayyyyy? I know, you hate me. The freak weather isn’t because of homosexuals and the like, you can lay the blame on planes and factories for the gases they pump into the air because if God designed the planet, I don’t think he designed it with giant flying heaps of steaming metal in mind. The UKIP party says they don’t stand by David on this one but let’s not forget this is the party that had Colonel Mustard as the second-in-command thinking it was acceptable to beat a TV reporter over the head with a clipboard and call someone a messy little slut in an interview. The party has been known for being racist and ignorant, blaming the gay people for bad weather sounds like their tribal shaman level of awareness. Maybe one day the UKIP will become a party that we can take more seriously than Lex Luthor and company planning their evil conquest of our tacky little island home of Britain but for now, whilst still reeling from their image issues, David blabbed this little pearl and now I feel we can all agree the UKIP are pretty much buried under so much shit, falling face first down into a sewer seems favourable to being on their side.

Rolling right along to the next deal, you’ve probably heard that Oklahoma has been sadly flip-flopping around on the gay marriage affair in the same fashion as Utah. Utah legalised gay marriage for a fortnight, allowed 1300 marriages of this nature and then changed their mind and banned it again, as if traumatised by a series of loud and proud parades of pink feather boas and men in glaringly white tuxedos flinging themselves at each other. Cor blimey, we legalised gay marriage? I thought you said hay carriages! Anywho, Oklahoma is now receding backwards into the conservative spectrum, with the ruling bodies saying that marriage is between a man and a woman and not “…the recently conceived notion that marriage is little more than special government recognition for close relationships”. Thankfully, a federal judge stepped in to call this unconstitutional and the case is being looked over but because this is the government arguing with over governmental figures, it’ll all be papers and meetings and wasted time and backhanded deals before we hear any results. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear we were stealthily invaded by the Vogons a while ago and they just merged with our society in secret.  I hope that the motion carries to lift the ban and we see Oklahoma shake off the shackles of “old time values”, something we cling to far too dearly. Society has to evolve, it’s a learning process because don’t forget that once upon a time we lived in a world in which women couldn’t vote and children were beaten, these values were once acceptable to an older generation but now we know better and hopefully in time we’ll all realise that letting people love who they want will not cause an apocalypse… well, unless they love someone in charge of a nuclear missile base and they end up doing the nasty on the control panel…

Lastly, I must speak out against Putintron, the autonomous droid created in a top secret underwater laboratory to slowly conquer humanity. Originally, we all loved this bear-wrestling Bond villain lookalike but now we’ve realised that he’s not all that, his Terminator like strength being paired with antiquated values and a “Fuck you, and your mother, and her mother, both of whom I fucked last night” attitude. We all know Russian authority is about as friendly to the gay community as Hitler was to the Jewish community, arresting you for mere association with gay people or mentioning them to children. Apparently Putin, now allowing gays at the Olympics, demands they steer clear of children or open expression of their sexual orientation. Putin thinks that teaching children love between two people of the same gender is a gateway to love between a man and a child, a man and a dog and so on. Again, this is poor logic, people say things like “If we recognise being gay as love, why not beastality?” – Um, one of those is inherently fucking weird? Gay romance, bisexual love, polygamy and so on is all consensual and between two sincere people, just like heterosexual love, it’s not a gateway to sexual deviation. I mean that’s like saying “If we allow children to play violent video games then we should make them fight to the death in cages” level of escalation, it’s so stupid it hurts. To be honest, the labels of “gay”, “straight”, “bi” and so on shouldn’t stand as boundaries on who we are and our rights, they should be for us to tell to people a little more of who we are so we don’t get those horribly awkward “Oh, you’re gay/not gay? I’m sorry” scenarios. Love is love folks and believe it or not, if it is a mutually agreed upon relationship between two or more people of sound mind, let them be. The difference between being gay and boning sheep is the sheep can’t say no, that’s the bit that makes you fucked up, not the fact your penis isn’t for the sole purpose of pumping baby gravy into lady caves.

I can’t even properly construe my level of frustration at these ludicrous notions – God hates gays? Prove it, give me definitive proof of Gabriel coming to Earth and telling us to stop it. If God exists, this is a trivial matter to him, he’s a cosmic being of infinite power, what’s it to him if we sleep with men, women or ducks? If God is raining down a divine wrath upon us for what we do as people, I think he’s got bigger things to be pissed off at us for than marriage don’t you? Like the generally lousy way we treat each other, massive class divides, the struggles of the third world, war? If I were him, my first agenda would be
“Ok all of you stop shooting each and blowing each other up, seriously. Don’t be dicks”
I find “Don’t be a dick” is a good policy, maybe one the higher ups should adopt. Quickly.