Grinding Gears

Trigger Warnings – None that I could notice

I’m pissed off, this article isn’t going to a beautifully constructed representation of a liberal opinion or perspective with an argument to support it, it’s another exercise in gnashing my teeth together in frustration with the world. I’ve managed to keep posting every day and I insist on continuing to do so, whatever the mood, but when I’m annoyed or tired then my ability to reason is impaired and my head clouds up, as well as boils over. I apologise if this seems self-indulgent, just ranting over the internet, I am currently without a therapist and though my friends help, they can’t do it all

I’ve said it before and will say so again, my immediate family in my household have no interest in my blog or in fact in me, outside of a cash machine and a chef. I bought myself Samurai Warriors 4 recently and my brother Jonah has spent triple the amount of time playing it as I have and that peeves me for some reason, to see someone doing better than me at my game so to speak. I mean, imagine buying yourself a chess set and letting your friend borrow it only to find you never seem to get to play chess because your friend just won’t stop playing it, why didn’t they just get their own chess set? Oh right of course, it cost £40. £40 of my hard-earned cash and I’ve played £4 worth of it. Stupid thing to rant about I know but yeah

So today I’m annoyed because I came home exhausted from a lot of work, my brothers have seen how hard I’ve been working and whilst I did try to get one of them to consider volunteering, he’s had his chances, he won’t bother and I know it so fuck it. I got excited at the thought of teaching him the ropes, having someone I know well and can communicate efficiently with but yeah, that’d place him in my realm as it were. Anyway, I get home, I think “It’ll be quiet, I can get an hour’s gaming in, make dinner, eat, blog, message my friends for a bit then bed”. Did that happen? Nope, I don’t own the console, it’s in my brothers’ shared room so when I walk in they’re there watching MLP. Yes, they’re both adults, yes they both MLP, yes you’re entitled to like whatever you like but I still hate MLP with a passion for being an obnoxious poison that gets involved with everything. Doctor Whooves, Ponified Supernatural, Sherlock Hooves, whatever – nothing is sacred to a brony except flippin’ Pinky Puff or Applecrack or whatever they’re called, I don’t know.

Erhem, so yeah, I left, I just went and made dinner, it was lack lustre and now I’m in my bed, blogging and full of resentment. My time for me is being spent in a cell of a bedroom just brewing in my own bitter juices and staring at Facebook. I suffer that same condition that blights my generation, always returning and refreshing but never anything interesting is there? People barely respond to me, good friends of mine are always out of reach and my social life revolves around the same three faces, which isn’t a bad thing but I think of friends I have outside of those three and kinda feel grumpy that they never want anything to do with me outside of Facebook. I’ve tried my best to keep in touch with some people to the point of just clogging up their inboxes with months of backed up “Hey, what’s up?” style messages for them to continue ignoring.

I think my depression is taking hold again, yes I’m self-diagnosing but if you met my past three doctors, you’d know why. Three times I went to see about a diagnosis, I did a questionnaire and got 24/30 on the risk survey and their genius solution between all three of them? Worry less. Worry. Less. Two smegging words was all I got, tell a lie, they did recommend I go on holiday. Well fuck me, if I had the money to just galavant off to Gibraltar every time I got glum, I’d never work a day in my life. So yeah, I’m pretty sure my depression is settling in, I feel isolated more than anything, like I’m an outsider to the entire world because I just don’t connect with people, I just find myself tolerating them until the sun sets, at which point the mask cracks and they notice I’m actually seething with quiet rage. I do connect with a choice few and enjoy good chemistry with some but it doesn’t combat those feelings of loneliness and I can’t exactly come home to any of them and have them dispel all my anger with a stroke of my cheek

Maybe ultimately it comes down to that, loneliness. I want to feel wanted and want to want someone in turn, there has been someone on my mind but that’s dead in the dust and I’ll thank you not to pry. Short version is, reality laughed at me and told me to give up on that lost cause or else I’ll never be happy. I can and will in time but it’s left me cold I think, combined with a heavy workload, dull social life and a household of headaches, I’m just a mess right now and I don’t know what to do with myself

Sorry again, normal service will resume as soon as I can fix my mask

Arrogance and Apathy (Originally Published – 8th February 2013)

Oh it’s a funny old life being Jacob Wolfe, self-confessed arrogant twat who rules his own little world but falls flat on his face at every hurdle. I recently triggered a massive debate when expressing my views on gay marriage, by which I mean I said I support it, a few people said they didn’t and I explained my argument before they buggered off then someone more intelligent tried to argue with me and it ended in agreeing to disagree, though with some discrepencies along the way. I won’t change my mind on core beliefs no matter how hard you try, and frankly my opponents weren’t trying to convince me they were right but rather tell me what I believed in was wrong, so to speak. I found the debate dis-satisfying though, the only intelligent counter argument to mine was that of religion and to me, talking to religious people about their beliefs is like signing up for being fucked in every orifice by a power drill, it’s a long and painful process that I don’t willingly agree to. I have my own personal religion so whenever anyone else brings up their religion, I’m offended by it, usually because it’s without me asking. However, with the topic being homosexuality, I should have been prepared for such. I’m arrogant, I admit it, and there are many reasons for that so I’m inclined to think I held my ground pretty well and did so with civility but being me, I never feel any sense of accomplishment in these confrontations. I boil in my own negative juices it seems, forever spiralling downwards because alongside intellect and arrogance, I decided to mix in pessimism and a general loathing for things that breathe… Great mixture. So, whilst I can often engage with the intellectual aspects of a person, their spiritual beliefs leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth and any stupid comments of any kind whatsoever instantly ring the prick alarm bells in my head. I can’t help it though, I think it’s just my character.

I worry about my cynical side sometimes, as humourous as he is with his massive vocabulary and the ability to outwit almost anyone who tries to challenge him but as much fun as he can be, he’s a miserable mother fucker and he’s quick to judgment. Internal arguments with myself have led me to believe I’d be a nicer person if there were less human beings crowding around him and doing stuff he hates, like existing. I guess I’m walking this tightrope between nice guy and total cunt but I’m doing the stunt whilst drunk and balancing on one foot with my arms cut off so it’s a bit hit and miss which side of the rope I fall off, the side where I pick you up off the floor or the side where I shoot puppies in the face… that’s a metaphor, I have no ill will for any puppy on the planet. The probable explanation for this is somewhere along the line, a younger me said ‘Fuck it’ and it just kinda stuck and honestly I swear that is the logic my brain goes by at times. Fuck it, I’ll tell them that they’re irritating. Fuck it, I’ll do a little extra work. Fuck it, I’ll go back to bed and grumble off to sleep. I realise I’m complaining a lot but it needs to come out and if you’ve read this far, you’re probably interested anyway which is kinda weird as effectively you’re just listening to the grumpy ramblings of an old man, so to speak. I’m bored, I’m broke and my body has developed the ‘Fuck it’ logic too, spontaneously deciding to make my spine feel like it’s made of uncooked spaghetti or my head feel like I’m lying on the road during a car crash. I spoke to my doctor, said it’s all just stress and depression. Thanks a bunch, you useless imbecile. The doctor also suggested my mood could be explained as the development of a sense of apathy that my body is reinforcing by periodically shutting down the systems at moments where it should be working. Oh well, I shan’t give up because I can’t give up and I haven’t done so previously so I’m not gonna start because of a few aches and pains in the joints. You’ll find I’m man enough to shoulder any burden I’m needed to, and then ask for more, because whilst I may be struggling at times, I still have that voice in my head that thinks I can run up waterfalls or punch the face of the non-existant God I don’t worship and that voice is what drives me to fight through each day

I was going to use this paragraph to tie things up nicely, or round it off with a positive note and a joke, but if I had a strong note to end on, I’d act on it myself. Besides, conciliatory endings don’t always have the same impact do they? In that regard, until my next rant, go away.