No Need To Pout

First impressions are probably one of the most important aspects of social interaction and it is generally understood that upon meeting a new face, both parties have fifteen seconds to form an opinion of one another based on outward appearances and how each party conducts themselves. For example, if a man in a shabby coat plodded up to you with the stench of alcohol on his breath, food in his beard and a bottle in his hand, your first thoughts would probably be that this man is an alcoholic with nothing much in his life beyond being an alcoholic and as he rambled onto you about how he needs five pounds and you desperately try to claw him off like you’re a schizophrenic cat, his initial thoughts of you would probably be that you’re an uptight sod and that you just don’t understand how badly he needs those five pounds.

With that in mind, I often find that some people on social networking sites choose to present themselves to the world with an expression commonly known as ‘the duck face’, a facial expression that looks less like a sexy pout and more like you said a word out of line and got a fat lip for it. I know what you’re thinking, I choose to introduce myself to the world as a loud mouthed fool but at least I’m being honest. You might think it funny that not too long ago I was writing about gender equality and now I’m ranting at women who present themselves as puckering prats but I have recently been ranting at the expense of male flaws (swagger) so now both genders are equal in my scorn. Suck an egg.

So what’s the big problem? A lot of girls constantly do ridiculous things to give exaggerated first impressions of themselves so why get in a huff if they pucker up for the camera? Well, let’s think about the most obvious reason shall we? You look bloody stupid, you kiss-faced clod (I’m taking the insult dictionary up the arse for all it’s got, so sue me you shmuck). I don’t see how it appeals to anyone to be honest, being a man who has never looked at a duck with eyes of passion and the burning desire to make that beaked bitch my… bitch I suppose, there isn’t a more fitting word there. I know the pout is supposed to be all ‘Ooo we’ve got a bad girl on our hands fellas, cocks out at dawn and scramble for the finishing line of her vagina!’ but honestly, if you’re pouting so hard you look like you were caught practising your French kissing technique on a hoover, then that is a sign that you’re doing it wrong.

Now there’s the counter argument that Freddy Mercury pulls the look off and whilst this is true, as much as it is true that you are not a duck, you are also not Freddy Mercury. I’m sorry, he’s a musical god and unless my blog has somehow reached Steve Tyler or the like, you are not. I’d like to tell you all that pouts can be quite fetching, but your expression is as important a cosmetic feature as eye-shadow and mascara in making you look the business and, in the same way that painting your face in enough foundation that your interior decorator rubs his brushes on your face to get the right shade of orange for the kitchen, pouting to the point where the ducks in the river gather before you as their monarch is counter-productive to the look you are aiming for. Subtlety can be as sexually attractive as being full-on and a small pouting of the lips gets a guy in much more of a flutter than sticking your lips out further than the rest of your face. I mean, some of you do enough stupid undignified positions in photos, standing on one leg with your ass popped out to the side like your spine is shaped like a disfigured snake, so why you feel the need to add a cheap cherry to a crumby cake of stupidity is beyond my comprehension.

I think we can agree that of all my rants, this is probably not as venomous or as serious an issue to get up in arms about but hey, this is all a big joke at the end of the day and to be frank, I’m finding it difficult to get these things to work out in writing as well as they sound in my head. I have an idea for next time though, so don’t worry, this old man of ranting hasn’t hit the senility of being a cynic where he writes for hours on end that cereal is too damn soggy (For one reason, I hold the firm belief that all cereal is actually made from pencil sharpenings). I want to give a good note to end on for you duck-facers… whatever… and that is that in reality, there is a very attractive facial expression you can pull in any photo and that everyone will approve of. Smile. Ironic advice coming from Git McSourcunt but there you have it, the sage of cynicism told you to smile. Deal with it bitches.

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Like and Share, you mindless mortals! (Originally Published – 10th September 2012)

Hello, Jacob Wolfe clocking in again at the factory of foul ranting, after a lengthy holiday that mostly consisted of working my nuts off, here, there and everywhere I could be made to do something for somebody. I’m sure you’ve all been wandering what happened to these once-upon-a-time weekly rants but rest assured I’m going to try and get back into routine so you don’t have to miss out on the hilarious results of frustration plus keyboard. To those of you checking out my work for the first time, you haven’t missed out on too much. The premise is simple, I vent out my anger at a failure within modern society as a page of fanciful ranting and then put up on the internet for people to either laugh at, or be offended by so I can laugh at them. I must warn you in advance, this isn’t friendly stuff so if you’re of a nervous disposition or easily offended, go read something more cheerful. If you’re still here, you’re no doubt after some entertaining vulgarities aren’t you? Oh go on then

My topic today is related to Facebook and in particular, one of the most annoying things about it. I’m not talking about the ever changing layout that leaves people in tears, desperately clawing at their screens because change is bad. No, I’m on about something much much worse. ‘Like and share, ignore if you’re heartless/hate gay people/want to die a grizzly death involving your eyes, a melon bowler and several burly men etc.’ I don’t really have to explain why this is so bad do I? I mean, it’s smegging obvious what’s so bleedin’ annoying about this airy-fairy drivel and if you can’t see the problem, you’ve probably liked and shared one of these stupid photos or maybe you were the one who uploaded that picture of a dying child, demanding I share the photo or you’ll appear under my bed with a knife? By the way, appearing under my bed would be an impressive feat; it has no legs so the space under my bed is as thin as a sheet of paper.

The offending photos range in appearance, usually something harmless and brain dead along the lines of ‘Share if you like Black Veil Brides. Ignore if you’re a Bieber fan’, which, whilst a strong motivation to not ignore your photo, I don’t like Black Veil Brides either and the idea of giving you my attention makes me feel like vomiting. Occasionally, the photos get a bit wedged up their own ass and preach to you about heaven and hell, saying that God will only save those who like the photo of him posted on Facebook. I have read the Bible and I am pretty sure, there isn’t a Psalm Reading along the lines of ‘And so the loyal shepherd liked thy holy spirit’s Facebook photo and so he and his flock were spared from the vengeful flood’. I may be wrong. God’s losing it if he really has to run heaven as an online subscription service, perhaps he’s feeling the effects of global recession and the economic value of the afterlife equates to an amount roughly the same as a Greek saving account.

However, I can put up with the harmless photos of puppies, cartoon characters and various musicians pulling cute faces at me, hoping I’ll grace them with space on my profile because in all honesty, they’re just the end results of creepy weirdoes using pictures to get a couple more friends and the only real way to avoid them is to scroll past them quickly and hope that you don’t get murdered by a ghost or banished to the void between dimensions. I may be irritable and grumpy but I let this slide because it’s essentially just the only way these monkeys can socialise. On the other hand, there are times where the photos can just go too far. I know what you’re thinking, I dance on the edge of taste myself but if you look back at my other rants, I do not dirty my work with anything much too vulgar. Cancer, specific national traumas, disabilities are just three topics that I make sure not to make crude jokes about because I know it’s entirely tasteless and that I will actually be murdered in my sleep by a victim of such topics. However, the photos don’t stop at the border of what’s a harmless picture for some likes and what’s actually just cruel. The photos and their creators are like some sort of psychopathic comedy nightmare, moving into areas that you just cannot poke at for attention. I’m sure we’ve all encountered the photo of a dying baby, suffering with a terminal illness, an abnormal growth or a victim of cancer and below the picture is a tragic back story and this command to share the photo a million times or the baby will die. Firstly, I don’t want anyone to think I’m a heartless old man who thinks those that are ill should die off and leave room for me and I certainly don’t want anyone in the world to have to live with such horrid illnesses, nor do I wish them upon others, even the people I wouldn’t save from being hit by a bus. I just want to make it clear, the photo is not a miracle of medical science and sharing it has no benefit for the child. Doctors get to work the moment they receive a patient, case studies are not uploaded onto Facebook for the public to decide who gets medical attention and who gets thrown out. If a child receives less than one million likes on Facebook, unless the child has already passed away, the child is most likely stable or on the path to recovery whilst receiving support from a number of trained doctors and surgeons. However good your intentions may be, you cannot save a live by making a photograph appear on the Facebook news feed of half your home country. Correct me if I’m wrong but no global catastrophe or terminal illness was ever prevented by a photograph on the internet

Allow me to tell you the story of a little girl named Isobel, a new-born infant that was suffering with a terrible cancer on her brain that appeared as a lump on the side of her head. I mean to tread softly as possible here and I hope nobody takes offense so please let it be said, anything that is interpreted as rude is not intentional. Please also note the information may not be 100% accurate as I am relying on information received from people who identified with my outburst on the comments of her photo. Isobel was photographed, lying on a bed with this growth and clearly looking uncomfortable as she bravely fought against the cancer but what she didn’t know, nor did her parents, is that the strictly confidential photograph was leaked onto Facebook and made into an attention whoring campaign for admins on various tactless pages (You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones with page names written in something even a dyslexic person can spot spelling mistakes in and that offer you 2000 extra friends if you add their shirtless admin and tell him your name, age, occupation, bathroom habits and so forth). The photo came with a brief misinformed back story and the demand that people must share the photo for the child’s sake and that failure to do so is proof that you have no heart. Comments were disallowed unless it was sympathetic but still, the wiser users of Facebook, albeit the grumpier ones, voiced their disgust at what they saw. I would like to inform you all that the child in the photograph survived and received the necessary surgery to remove the cancer; the parents are overjoyed and the whole family is moving on gradually. Now I can’t understand why anyone would use the personal struggles of a stranger just to make themselves popular, it’s sick. The photo is available across the internet and it seems to just say to anyone who looks at this popularity campaign ‘This is the length that an idiot will go to if it makes them popular’. Heck, you’re not even impressing your friends, you’re trying to appeal to people you’ve never met and never will. Isobel’s family were outraged and awash in tears as they watched this photograph make its way across the world for all the wrong reasons. Isobel isn’t the only victim here. Starving orphans, seriously ill babies and sufferers of natural disasters are all exploited as ploys to get Facebook admins noticed.

I do not wish these people to die or become ill but should they ever suffer, I may just reach for a camera. However then again, I might not, for fear of sinking to their level. I couldn’t live a life where my moral standards sit lower down than the Earth’s crust. I don’t normally end on such sombre notes and I hope you all enjoyed this rant as much as I hope it made you think but to any admins out there, the line in the sand should not be crossed for the sake of a few more likes. I can tolerate your bombardment of photos of Bieber and Biersack, your pictures of Satan, of Jesus and of ghosts but if you ever exploit the suffering of another human being to get noticed, you’re not somebody I want to know