Made A Pig’s Ear Of It

So of all the things you’d hear about David Cameron, necrophilic bestiality is probably in the same category of unbelievable as him being a secret pornstar or the world’s greatest Pokemon trainer. If you’re somehow unaware, say you live in the US or you don’t follow the news, the British Prime Minister David Cameron allegedly put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig in his uni days as an initiation ritual for a boys club, the idea being it’s one of those gross trials of masculinity like drinking a toilet water cocktail or lighting your ass hair on fire. Vulgar images aside, this odd detail of Cameron’s past has had him become a laughing stock more than he already was and the Prime Minister staunchly denies the allegations, claiming them to be some sort of mud-slinging attack on his reputation or a wild fib by some birk from his past trying to get attention. A prime story like this, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to weigh in on the matter so let’s begin shall we?

Firstly, I’m not sure what to believe, this does sound like a stupid ritual you would have to endure to join the club of the douchebag elite and maybe a young David Cameron was that wild and reckless, after all he is the same man who lit money on fire to taunt the poor as a student (Bullingdon Club activity, you have to offer a homeless person £50 and then set the money on fire whilst they watch) but then David Cameron has the face of a man so boring, drying paint and growing grass are petitioning for the new expression of disinterest be “I’d rather go for a pint with David Cameron”. A life in politics might have just chipped away all the joy and laughter in our PM’s soul, though I can imagine him and George Osborne laughing it up as they read people’s desperate pleas for their benefits. Denying it as a hoax is perhaps a bad move, David can’t let himself be the subject of a joke, he couldn’t whip up some pork puns and admit we all did stupid shit when we were young, instead he wants to be the perfect paragon of behaviour and deny his past until he is blue in the face. I’m inclined to believe it, though I do struggle to, mostly because it doesn’t sound like something you’d just conjure up to spite him, if you’re going to lie you’d make it a lie you could believe that perhaps Cameron attended “Keep Britain White” rallies or something, not that he’d face-fuck a barnyard animal for a lark.

So why would a club do this to their members you might think? University fraternities are depraved but surely not this bad right? Why couldn’t they just superglue their pubes to his face or paint his cock blue? Well, chances are this is a bizarre cross between male bonding and shared shame, the idea being they get people to do these things to have dirt on them in the future. Those claims of photographic evidence? Chances are the photos might well exist and may only surface on public media if Cameron crosses the wrong guy, they probably wanted to have something shameful to blackmail him with and perhaps in turn those who have this squeeze on him, have respective binds laid upon them. For all we know, it could just be this stalemate, with everyone having the power in one incriminating photograph to trip up their peer if they vote the wrong way or support the wrong cause. David Cameron has made waves in his own party in the past, we like to make him out as Satan incarnate but gay marriage became legal in this country whilst he was at the helm, I can imagine some of his old friends only ever referred to the LGBT community as ‘screaming benders’ back in the day, maybe someone holds a grudge. Of course, I could be reading too much into it and maybe it just is some pillock from Oxford trying to get the nation to believe some cock and bull story about his ol’ chum Davey Boy.

Jeremy Corbyn must be kicking himself though hey? Morally above personal smear campaigns and then this gem lands in his lap? Tell you what, if it had been revealed Corbyn was a man with a taste for pork in that sense, The Sun would print so many articles on it you’d see nothing but disturbed looking pigs on every cover page. David Cameron won’t feel a serious blow from this, it’ll be a joke that grows stale and he’ll pay off his friends in high places to make this go away but when Corbyn was taken out of context, the newspapers leapt on the idea that Jeremy might have a thing for Bin Laden. That said, whilst Cameron was taunting the poor and abusing animals with his ding-a-ling, Corbyn was publicly protesting against Apartheid, let that make you think. I have to commend the Labour Leader though, a target of smear campaigns, he makes the promise he’ll never make it personal with his opponents, it’s all about the people for him. I’d say I’d do the same but if I found out my nemesis was the fool of the day for allegations he porked a pig, I’d struggle not to make some wisecracks about it.

I’m disappointed in Cameron though, I expected him to try and dismiss this but really? You could have made yourself seem much more likeable by raising your hands up, admitting to it even if it was not true and saying we all do daft shit when we’re young, it’d have been a chance to get the public to see you as more than a walking mass of misery in a suit. Denying this only means if it is confirmed later, you’ve proven yourself an idiot and a liar, which we all already think but you needn’t give us evidence to back it up. If it is all a hoax, fair enough, though if I was being smeared by people making up that I stupid ballsy stunts, I’d embrace it, at least they aren’t claiming you’re a pedophile or the leader of a slave ring, what’s wrong with this harmless joke? Or is someone close to you a pig and you’re afraid of offending them? Is it Ian Duncan Smith? Is he a pig? He always did look a bit… And he’s greedy… GASP!

Anyway, laugh it up whilst it’s funny I guess, someone will save David’s bacon before long

BOOM CHEAP SHOT!

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It’s All Kicking Off Now!

Trigger Warnings – None.

For those of you more partial to articles in which I have a bit of a laugh, here’s one for you, but it also ties in with politics rather neatly, in particular Nigel Farage. So what’s the story? Well, Nigel has become the target of mockery once again, this time through the form of a mobile app called Ukik. Ukik is a game in which you play as Nicholas Fromage, leader of the extreme right-wing party UKIK and it is your job to kick immigrants off a cliff. Granted, the premise sounds like a fun game for a racist, you’re essentially punting Middle Easterners and Europeans into the sea from the cliffs of Dover but this game is made as a direct fart in the general direction of such creeds of people, it further exaggerates already controversial opinions of the party into full-on raving madness and even scores you according to your level of racism. So without further ado, let’s talk about this game and how the beloved man of the people chose to respond.

The game was developed by five young teenagers with the intention of poking fun at right-wing ideals and playing along with the well-established British tradition of turning a serious figure of authority into a character for comedy, Monty Python walked that line so frequently and thoroughly they had to move onto making a fool out of Jesus to feel satisfied after jokes about MPs didn’t scratch the itch any more. The group of game designers apparently enjoy making games about what is topical at the time to encourage people to discuss the subjects and with Farage seeming to be here to stay, sadly, they felt it was time he was given the proper treatment of the British public – a right royal piss take. UKIK has already received praise from the Ambition House of Canterbury Academy as those who download the app start to take a more earnest interest in politics, presumably saying “There’s no way they based this on a real guy right?”. The game is a bit out there, after all for all intents and purposes the aim of the game is still punting non-white people off a cliff whilst your avatar is a rich white guy but it’s entertainment and not for the rich white people of the world and all that aside, it’s a mobile game you won’t know about without being told so the British political system isn’t going to crumple and fall from it.

Nigel Farage decided to comment on the game and called it ‘pathetic’, saying that it ‘crossed the line’ and whilst he accepts the fact high profile public figures are targets for comedy, he doesn’t appreciate being depicted as a racist. Yes, shame on you for depicting Nigel Farage as a racist, he just hates non-white people! Erhem, Nigel Farage says he usually has a good sense of humour and that people know that much about him but there’s a line between a joke and slander which this game crosses for him. Frankly, Nigel Farage’s sense of humour seems to be on and off, he’s up for a joke at the expense of any fucker except himself like the egotistical twerp that he is.

Nigel is angry, very angry, this game is an insult to him but if I were in his shoes, I’d take some lessons away from it – one, I’m certainly culturally relevant if people are making a fool out of me in this way, that means the public know who I am and I should be flattered I’m now a well-established figure with the public such as Margaret Thatcher and George Bush, targets for abuse and mockery yes, but never forgotten. Secondly, Farage should think about why people see him in this light? Is there grounds to this joke or is it depraved and baseless humour meant for the unenlightened imbecile? The joke seems to be on your policies of immigration and dreams of jolly old England so this is the response you have merited for yourself with such talk. So, if you want to pout and throw a tantrum about this harmless game that looks like it’d be funny for ten minutes and then fade into the backdrop, what does that say about you Nigel? You can’t let one joke slide can you? You’d have seemed a better man for laughing along, maybe even encouraging the game developers to make a game mocking your rivals and you know, this was a missed opportunity to say how great it is to see young people getting involved in politics… oh wait, your target demographic is angry old men… never mind.

In summary, Farage is an idiot, so what else is new? High profile figures will always be loved and hated and whilst some will sing their praises, some will just take the mickey and that’s about it. Farage chose to respond rather humourlessly, which reminds us that he isn’t one of us, he’s a vain penny-pinching racist that can’t stand even the slightest stain on his bright white ego. So that’s that really. Where can I download this game I wonder?

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The Humourless Revolution – Guy Fawkes Night Special

Trigger Warnings – Strong language and vulgar imagery at certain points

Remember remember, the fifth of November, the gunpowder treason and plot, I can think of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot. The spirit of rebellion lives on tonight, or so it should, but in an age of modern politics gone wrong with fear and anger making our decisions for us, perhaps the word revolution has lost its meaning in the western world, particularly if one is to turn to the example given by that blasted comedian who thinks himself the next great leader of our age. Yes, him, Brand, a nemesis most unworthy of the attention and yet you cannot help but give.

The social media campaign to ridicule Russell Brand using Blur’s “Parklife” song is an amusing one, indeed his overly fanciful rambling does sound like verses ripped from the song and the fact he even resembles the singer in terms of voice and rhythm does not help his case. I am probably the wrong man to make this point but he uses a lot of big words to say a lot of nothing and the fact that his entire revolution has crumpled at one joke goes to say something for its substance. Oh politics, the denizen of the humourless, funny that a second-rate comic should end up there. A subject that is serious can also be the subject of humour if one has the heart, for what is life without laughter and if the world is to quietly serve under men without happiness then how can we expect to be happy under them? Brand, you throw clever words around to dance around the fact you have a weak argument, yes the system is corrupt but asking for an alternative without an idea as to what is akin to refusing to eat, starving and blaming God you wasted away – be a vegetarian by all means but if you can’t eat what’s being served, do please suggest what you’d prefer rather than stare at the meat angrily.

UK Politics has devolved into a game of mockery and humiliation, with funny little upstarts like me poking fun at famous names, who catch wind of it and kick up a fuss and this is a problem, not because the mockery exists. You see, every idea in the world will be mocked and made fun of, every person alive is the butt of a joke at least once in their life and it is a lesson in patience and acceptance for us all. I used to be the butt of a few jokes, still am, and my response was much akin to Farage’s responses to Boyle’s Twitter heckling, it was dry cruel retorts meant only to hurt someone. Alas, a duel of wits is no longer if when your rapier strikes the opponent, they scream “Fuck you” and pull out a shotgun. Banter, as we like to call it, is a game, it is cat and mouse, it is an art to be enjoyed by the artists and the viewers, had Farage honestly engaged Boyle with some genuinely witty remarks he might have won a few points in popularity as a straight up down-to-earth bloke but he opted to be a total tosser and came off the loser because picking a fight with Frankie Boyle is probably a worse idea then asking your partner to use a cactus instead of a dildo for the bondage session.

Russell Brand and Nigel Farage get far more attention than I like and being a topical man, I have to keep up to date with these assholes or risk disappearing into obscurity and being left to write silly posts about comic books or television from twenty odd years ago. The issue they both face is one that most politicians face, they claim to be voices of the people but bear no resemblance to them and whilst Brand started out an ordinary enough fellow, his obsession with burbling out the contents of a dictionary at every opportunity he has to speak means people disconnect from what he says and just clap because they assume it’s clever when it’s actually just a paragraph that sums up as “I don’t like politicians very much”. Well fuck, I could’ve said that, anyone with two brain cells to rub together good, you don’t make that point stronger through bigger words, believe me. I know I use big words myself but not so many my point doesn’t reach my audience and I simplify my point afterwards just in case you couldn’t keep pace.

As for Farage, well, a man who wants to be “a politician you would share a pint with” doesn’t take well to banter and this contradicts the image. Farage, the charismatic charmer, the fun-loving playboy with fast cars and big cigars and enjoys a good chuckle as long as it’s never at his expense, never ever ever laugh at Farage or he’ll call you a left-wing Muslim bastard child of crazy drugged up terrorists or something equally bizarre and offensive. I consider myself a respectable and intelligent man but ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I happily play the fool and let people poke fun at me because it’s much more satisfying to laugh along at these things than be the twat who kills the buzz by getting huffy. A voice of the people needs to be a person we can honestly relate to and whilst Farage did a good job of that by visiting pubs and talking about the good old days, he reminds us he’s not one of us when he whips out a pricey cigar or goes off on a crazy rant about immigration that any decent person cringes at.

Oh sweet revolution and reform, how you tease us, goading us with such flimsy supplements as we choose between stupid twats or charmless twats because whilst Farage lacks substance, the other parties lack a face we can even stand looking at, let alone stand beside. Charismatic leadership is a hard thing to find in the UK and at the moment the charismatic ones are all charisma and no policies, besides Kipper policies such as handguns in Britain, reductions to maternity leave and a big fuck you to the EU, you know, the guys that enforce our rights to paid holidays and buy our exports so our economy actually has some money. I know we don’t always feel it in the pocket but we’d notice it if it wasn’t there, trust me.

Sadly, even this article lacks much substance, it is a mere tickle in the ribs for some whilst reminding them I don’t like Farage and Brand very much and whilst I would go on for so much longer, I’ve gone over 1000 words and articles beyond a certain length don’t do well and given this past week has seen my popularity wane significantly, I won’t dig a deeper hole. Sad times we live in but let us hope and pray we one day find politicians like us, charismatic and likeable folks with an honest commitment to the wellbeing of the British people. I know I am dreaming but all great things begin as dreams, except for bacon which began as a pig

Blame The Beneficiaries

I had a rant in the works that was going to be rather interesting but seeing as I can’t string that rant together sufficiently well enough to be pleased with the message it gives out I’m going to instead turn my attention to another matter that is really getting under my skin, a television program that is nothing short of an atrocious attempt to demonize the lower classes. If you’re British and have a television, you are probably aware of the show I am referring to, the delightful TV morsel that is of course Benefit Street.

Benefit Street is a program shown on Channel 4 about the lives of those claiming benefits in a small section of Birmingham where nine out of ten households receive some form of benefits. The program follows the lives of people going about their business, applying for jobs and the like all whilst we are treated to scenes of anti-social behaviour and foul attitudes which we all know is par for the course when you look around these kind of neighbourhoods but the fact of the matter is that this is only a reflection of the government at work, which I’ll explain in detail later. Benefit Street is what you’d expect of what passes for a documentary in this day and age, a shameless montage of the best and worst examples of a certain demographic with some touching human interest stories that are flashed in your face briefly long enough to make you feel something before they shuffle along and drop the violin.

A controversy surrounding this televisual feast is that the people shown in the program were lied to when the TV crews arrived, believing they were taking part in a documentary about how solid community still matters to a broken nation and so many of them agreed to take part, only to be made out as scrounging wastes of oxygen by the media to the point where some participants have been disowned by their families and made to take on new identities to escape the hatred. Channel 4 denies deceiving their participants and says that they fully explained the concept to the participants but even if that were true, I doubt they explained it in simple straightforward English and instead spoke in cleverly ambiguous promises. May I remind you that this is the TV channel that brought us Sex Box, a show in which couples of all kinds, be they gay, straight or disabled, are shoved into a big steel cell and told to have sex (thankfully, this isn’t recorded) before coming out of the cell and discussing what they did and how it felt. Channel 4 likes to think of themselves as “cutting edge, pushing the boundaries of tasteful television” but frankly ever since Charlie Brooker and Derren Brown vanished from their showings, that pushing of boundaries has just meant shameless parades of total shite. I thought Hollyoaks was bad but compared to the other bollocks on that channel of late, Hollyoaks is the only jewel in the Channel 4 crown that isn’t made from a crusty turd.

The program is cut up and edited to show you what the government wants you to see. Oh, she’s applying for a job? Yay, skip the bit in which she gets mocked over the phone by her potential employer (According to an interview with one participant, what started as informal banter became degrading and insulting but that bit was cut out… not that she even knew the phone call was being taped) Oh all these houses next to each other each claim JSA huh? Evil demons, who cares about the fact the houses directly opposite don’t have benefit claimants living in them? Sadly we have to remember that Channel 4 and BBC are the speakerphones of the government and as much as they’d like to call themselves neutral, their purses are filled by politicians who give them slaps on the wrist for saying rude things before handing them a bag of sweets and giving them a pat on the head. America has this same thing with FOX, a channel so right-wing it might as well be a lopsided duck, but it lets some programs like The Simpsons and Futurama get away with the “Republicans are evil” gag because people still sit there and watch, even the left-wingers.  The media is a double-edged sword wielded by a bloated carcass wherever you look because it takes whatever side it fancies and calls itself the champion to be entitled to the rewards, before flipping over again and doing the exact same thing for the reverse side.

I know what some of you are thinking though, that these rats that live off free scraps deserve our hatred right? Benefits aren’t a lifestyle, they’re the absolute bottom line between having a roof over your head, or a sheet of corrugated steel. David Cameron once said £60 a week covers the common man’s bills easily with cash to spare but were that true, why do we not see these money-sponging fiends, as the conservatives amongst us might call them, rocking designer labels and brand new gadgets? I’m pretty sure the hot cars of the street were Corsas and Fiestas, not Enzos and Aventadors? Speaking as a man of the lower class, the only way you get something fancy is either by walking a lot in lieu of paying for petrol or bus fare or by waiting for it to devalue considerably. I mean, I’m playing my PS3 on a CRT TV, that’s right, the big fat black televisions you’d expect from Life on Mars, not Life in 2014. The PS3 isn’t great either, it’s one of the old ones and if I were to sell it, I’m not looking at getting anywhere near the price paid to buy it, the outdated relic it now is. Benefit Street is a stick for the Tories to beat their lessers with, a justification for the benefit cuts announced for 2014 and a foul-smelling message of “This is who you should hate, not us!”. I tell you what though, if someone is stealing the taxpayer’s money, I’d rather find out it was to buy food than to refurbish their second house!

I said I wanted to explain how these “scroungers” are a reflection of the government and for the purposes of this explanation, let’s assume these people are as bad as the show portrays them to be, lewd drunken washouts with no prospects for the future that now suckle from the money tit of the government. We operate on a system that is extremely dictated by class and has people set up to fail before they even start, that is becomingly increasingly expensive to live in but is offering less and less support and has sold out the future generations already by closing schools and youth clubs en masse. You’re broke, your education isn’t worth the paper it is printed on, you can’t afford a hobby and you’ve got no hope of a job and the only people to thank are the people that judged you before you were even that look in Dad’s eye when he had too many lagers in his system. Sponging is all you can do, aside from wade through shit that reaches up to your eyes and hope to find something that offers you a snorkel. You might have lazy demanding self-entitled people but the people of a nation reflect the rulers for the most part, namely our lazy demanding self-entitled government who sit on mountains made of solid gold and diamond, throw us pennies and call us greedy pigs.

As a fan of history let me take you back to a period of history I know very well, ancient China after the fall of the Han Dynasty. The Northern Territories were united under a man called Cao Cao, a charismatic yet harsh man who believed in a system that basically boiled down to “Every man has something he is good at, if he can discover this talent and apply himself to it then he shall be paid fairly according to his efforts and his family will have food”. No benefit system, sure, but Cao Cao never let a single potential worker go to waste and the people under his rule lived in a thriving kingdom, where they all had something they could do to earn their keep and this promoted discipline. Cao Cao was strict yet reasonable and prized hard-work above all else, his people and his subordinates were very much the same. The system isn’t perfect by any means, you could be facing a harsh winter if the bread-winner had an accident or couldn’t grow any crops but the main point is that Cao Cao had never heard of “scroungers” because he gave them reason (and opportunity) to work. Our current system offers no opportunities and is less about giving each man fair reward for effort but instead a flat rate regardless. In this country, if you find you can’t afford to work for less than a certain wage, you find yourself watching Dimitri Fuckyourselfinski coming in from the EU to take the job, working for pennies and taking them home to his country where those pennies are worth diamonds and he’s set for life. I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure even a governmental system as archaic as Cao Cao’s didn’t have the rule “If your people are not happy with your rule, replace them with different people”

Oh, and for the record, even if these people were sponging money, let’s put that into perspective:

Tax Avoided/Evaded/Uncollected in 2013 – £120 Billion (Tax Justice and PCS Estimate)
Tax Avoided/Evaded/Uncollected in 2013 – £30 Billion (HMRC Estimate)
Benefits Unclaimed – £16 Billion (HMRC Estimate)
Benefit Overpayments Made In Error – £1.4 Billion (DWP Estimate)
Benefit Fraud – £1.2 Billion (DWP Estimate)

Cameron buddy, do some math – your big problem is companies evading taxes pal, clamping down on that £2.6 billion is still short of the £117.4 billion more you could be paying attention to and tell you what, if you do that and leave the benefit stuff alone, we as a people might even let you buy yourself a duck house as your reward hey? I mean, don’t get your hopes up but you know, it could happen… if you were competent.