Up and Running

Trigger Warnings – Strong language throughout (This probably should be taken as a given by now I guess?)

I went jogging today at last and thus the title, you get it? Eyy? Eyy? Do you, do you get the joke? Clever wordplay is my forte… as is rhyming apparently. I’m sorry I didn’t do a blog post yesterday by the way, in my defence I have done them non-stop for a long time and I did say I was going to gradually do less, mostly to ensure every post is top quality and also so my readers don’t end up swamped in so much new content they stop bothering and just pretend to have read it (Which the anxious part of me always suspects is the case whenever people say “It was good”… like, I’m stating an argument, it was good doesn’t make sense really, it’d be nicer to hear if you agree or not or if you thought I fought my case well.

Anyway, I didn’t come here to discuss that, I came here to discuss my progress with the jogging thing. I meant to start sooner but things kept cropping up but today I actually did it, I actually went jogging. I didn’t jog very far, I must admit, only the length of Sydney Avenue which is down the road from my house and is less than a kilometre long. Yes, I didn’t manage even one kilometre of jogging, I’m that unfit but to push myself, I did then go on a twenty minute walk around Monkmoor on the steepest hills I could find, I felt pathetic having to take two rest stops to jog the length of one strip of road. However, a few things to note are that I am of course very unfit from a bad diet, various health issues and a lack of practice but also, in my prime, such as it were, I was a sprint runner, not a distance runner. I could cover seventy metres in a flash, sure, but any longer than that and I burnt out spectacularly and I looked into the length of Sydney Avenue, it is seven hundred and forty metres long so that’s more than ten times the length at maybe… well… a fifth of my usual speed? I daren’t do the math, my head will hurt but I think the results would show I’m not doing too shabby, certainly not as bad as I initially thought.

I’m going to have to give jogging a miss tomorrow sadly, I have somewhere to be, but the week after that is clear for me so I’ll push myself to keep it up. I may have to invest in something to play music as I jog, though the scenery is nice and because it’s so cold and wet, nobody is out by the river except the odd parent and child playing with the dog. In the summer, my gosh, that road is just a surge of health freaks running around looking impressive and making me feel fat. I felt a bit silly today in all fairness, wearing a jogging suit, oh how I wished I wasn’t me so I could wear a suit and look at me all sweat and baggy trousers and just shake my head but fuck it, dressing like Rocky Balboa is something I can endure for a flatter stomach and better stamina rate than “Haha! I’m up… And now I’m down”. I’m too young to be old, if that makes sense, I creak as I move, I get out of breath just carrying heavy bags and I sleep like a log the moment I’m out, it’s hell to fall asleep but when I’m asleep, I’m really fucking asleep (Which is sorta against the Maori proverb of a true warrior waking at the sound of a snapping branch. In all fairness though, I’d constantly be waking up if I was like that, there’s a public footpath behind my house which is the path most frequented by drunken shambles wandering home from the nightclubs. Irritates me like mad, just want to use my bedroom window as a sniper perch and shoot those noisy bastards right in the… erhem, no, no violence Jake, bad)

I said I’d give you all a progress check and I’ll grant you the fact this is more just me telling you “Hey, I actually started!” but y’know, hey, I started, I made a conscious effort towards my resolution. I’ve also told everyone to stop putting sugar in my tea, I did not give into cravings and reward my efforts for jogging with a giant sticky bun, I just ignored it. I’m going to have to look into healthy snack foods (I’ll give myself an apple so I can look like even more of an asshole). The jogging has played havoc with my appetite though, I was so hungry tonight that I ate whatever people left behind on their plates as well as my own dinner so my brothers are pretty sure the effort I made today was just undone in a feeding frenzy on chicken and rice. Chicken and rice though, that stuff is healthy, you dig? The fact it was covered in Tikka Masala changes nothing right? Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know how I’m doing, let me know how you’re doing with your resolutions or if you’re stuck for ideas, maybe I can write a post about some ideas I can share with you, that sounds like a good post idea actually. Today’s post was actually done by request, a reader said they really like personal updates so I thought I’d throw them this bone since these posts are generally easier to write without much thought and otherwise I might not have come up with anything. Thanks for reading folks, stick around for more in the future!

Hey, did you like that post? Do you want to follow the adventures of Fat Man Wolfe? I kid, I’m not THAT fat, I know that much, just chunkier than I’d like. Anyway, click like if you enjoyed tonight’s reading material and maybe give it a share if you know anyone else maybe trying to get motivated to join a gym or give up cake or whatever. If you want more, be sure to check out some of my other articles or follow the link below to get to my Facebook page for the latest updates and information on blog posts as they come out!



The Year Ahead

Trigger Warnings – Strong language throughout

Alright readers, are you all sober again? Hmm? I trust you didn’t all lose your phones and/or wallets last night, you probably lost your lunch but who am I to judge? Anyway, continuing on from yesterday, I’ve told you about my 2014, now let’s get onto what I want out of 2015 and how I hope to get on with it. I know what you’re thinking, resolutions are hooey, nobody ever keeps them going on into February, we all give up on that diet after one salad and that “I swear I’m going to work out” then becomes “I swear I’m going to work out the best possible way to do nothing productive”. However, I think putting these goals up on a public domain that I can easily access might make them stick with me better and I’ve already got people willing to help me achieve some of these goals so let’s see what happens, maybe I’ll give you all a progress check next week

First up, lose weight, not a lot, just enough so that when I look down, I see my belt buckle and not my belly. I get told all the time I’m worrying over nothing and that I’m still as handsome/ugly as I’ve always been, the only one seemingly bothered by my pudge is me but therein is the big factor, it bothers me. My body is my own and I want to feel as attractive as possible in it, it took no effort to do that through my teen years but I don’t have a black void for a gut any more, if I eat fatty foods, it shows. I’m also annoyed that looking in the mirror, my jawline has rounded out so I look less like my former self and more like a bearded hamster. I am Jacob Wolfe, not Jacob Hamstere. Furthermore, people say they haven’t noticed but until I made it abundantly clear it wasn’t appreciated, I noticed over the past few months jokes about my appearance became targeted at my shape, namely the fact I am short and tubby – previous jokes about my appearance used to be about my messy hair or scraggly beard ┬ábut lately it’s been more about the fact I am shorter and fatter than most people I know. Terrific. So that ends there, I’m no longer taking sugar in my tea, I’m starting to take vitamins to help me improve all round, I’ve sworn off all sticky buns and cakes as comfort foods and I’m going to take up jogging. I didn’t today, boo me, it was raining heavily and my mood was low but if I feel better, I’ll go for it.

On a serious note, I have to get my act together this year, I’m twenty years old and I have no further education beyond lack-lustre A-Levels and some work-based training, I still live with my parents because of many many reasons but I’ll just have to get around it and I’m currently unemployed and single. The single bit, eh, no big deal, I’m single for the right reasons and I know what I really want in a relationship now so I have ideas how to move forward there but the rest of that shit? Got to clear it up. I’m going to get back on Jobseeker’s again, find a job that uses my new skills and pays a decent wage, save up a packet to get me some driving lessons and a car in the future, I’ll probably need help from the family for that (Dad did say he wanted to make my 21st birthday a big deal as he felt he didn’t do bugger all for my 18th so maybe I can talk to him about that) and then look into education and moving closer to where I attend. I need to decide what to study, I’d say creative writing or such but I’m not sure, I may well take up Foundation Psychology and work my way in that way, psychology is actually one of my main interests alongside history and film/gaming culture and recently politics. God I sound boring… Hey Jake, you’re an attractive single male, what are your interests? Mmm fucking love me some textbooks and Hitchcock movies, that shit’s the bomb. This resolution isn’t so much a silly little thing I’d like, this is serious, this is “Jacob, get your flipping act together!” so I must stick to this one, fat gut or not!

On the subject of my blog, I want to move it to YouTube and become a vlogger, though I need to find a way of making myself stand out and I promise you it won’t be “Look at me, I’m a zany twenty something with lots of material possessions I own as the backdrop to me jump cutting around the room and calling things crazy”, that’s just not me. I’ll aim to be funny and interesting, obviously, and probably more engaging or lively than I usually am in person but it’s not an easy feat for a guy like me, my main conversation consisting of the odd one-liner slid into appropriate moments and a series of distinctive shrugs and “Hmm” noises. I have someone willing to help edit and work on the videos, I already have someone offering to let me use some of their equipment and I’ll look into getting some of my own of course. I’ll probably post less frequently here but I’ll look into making the posts themed or something, have some better structure going as opposed to “This is what I feel like doing today, deal with it”. I’ve really got back into this, I lacked confidence and sometimes my confidence does wane with the view counter but I definitely think my latest posts are more coherent and generally better all round than my old material, but that’s for my audience to decide. So that’s going to take a while and might be difficult with everything else going on but I’m going to try my damned hardest to balance it all and if I can, maybe get TDWC into something I like.

Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate, it’s not going to be easy but I’ll keep record of what I do. I have a diary, journal, whatever, I stuck to the mood one pretty well and need to evaluate the results of that but yeah, decided I’d also get into writing a normal diary such as it were, day by day thoughts. Hardly going to be the work of Pepys but y’know, it’ll be good to look back on and I’ll be able to see just how far I did or didn’t make it over the year. Anyway, all that remains now is to wish you all luck in your own endeavours and I hope you wish me luck in mine!

And so let’s look forward to a glorious future, hopefully, maybe, optimism for the win. I’d love it if you could like and share what you see here and as usual, please check out the link below and click that like button to get updates from me in your feed and the opportunity to catch these posts the moment they go up! Feel free to hit me up with comments and messages too (Be tasteful, spam will not get responded to)


Muse and Madness (Originally Published – 28th January 2013)

You know it seems that everytime you are determined to get up on your feet, Lady Fate grows steel fangs out of her vagina and rips your dick off before clubbing you round the head with it until you’re spitting blood and semen then proceeds to shove cold hard realities up your nose with an ice pick. I realise I’m a man who spends all day beating his head against a concrete wall and hoping it’ll fall over, and granted if it does, I will have a huge sense of acheivement in lieu of no other senses whatsoever. Determination and patience are two great virtues to have in life, but aside from becoming a fisherman or a surgeon, it can often seems that these virtues get you nowhere in a world that revolves around the principal ‘I’m alright, thanks for asking, now roll over and die so I can steal the clothes on your back’

I’m not entirely cynical, but give it a few weeks and I’ll probably get there at this rate. Life isn’t all bad, recently managed to convince the staff at college that my attendance isn’t dropping because of a bad case of skiveritus, but simply exhaustion from being me, which is fair enough apparently and warrants emotional support from a councillor if needs be. I thought I was deserving of a medal for putting up with myself for 18 years; I can be awful to live with and I hate my habit of overdoing it today, then paying for it tomorrow, or that terrible ‘Pick it up, put it down inside of a temporal wormhole so it won’t be where I left it’ habit I go about sticking to with every piece of coursework I write, and about four different memory sticks. I do have a number of good friends and family members I can count on and in all fairness, I’m not dead, nor dying, so I’m sticking around for a good while yet and compared to some, my issues are little more than a spec of dust.

So what am I ranting about these days? I notice the subjects are becoming increasingly arbitrary due to a distinct inability to focus on one topic and just vent a vile stream of angry shit at it until my lungs give in and my fingers combust from typing so furious, the laptop will develop consciousness only to scream in pain as I mash its buttons into a plastic pulp on a silicon slab like some bizarre pizza. Well I’m kind of ranting at myself for this concrete induced head trauma I have called life, and not realising sooner some things aren’t worth sticking to. Being a carer is worth sticking to, especially out of love (Yes, I have emotions. Deal with it), and having a social life and an education is also worth sticking to because they’re generally seen as useful things to have in life but my habit of playing the polite butler to every ingrate under the sun who I called a friend in the long forgotten days of yesteryear probably isn’t a good idea. I often find myself pandering to the needs of people who, when the day comes, offer little more thanks than a paragraph of twoddle then vanishing off the radar. Thanks a bloody bunch. Inevitably, I’ll say this then go back to my ‘Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir’ approach to these people but maybe if I come back and read this note once in a while, I’ll break out of that habit. Hear that future Jacob, you spineless prick? You have balls, use them for more than just an air flap between your furry thighs!

I would encourage everyone here today to do the same, leave a note to yourself that you can easily access that says ‘Oi twatface, stop doing that thing you wish you didn’t do!’ and maybe we’ll grow as people or just tear up said note and insult our past selves to no avail. I look back at my old self and laugh at a reckless, arrogant twat who thought he was god incarnate, did everything he wanted to do without a care in the world for who it hurt and so got himself fucked up royal by Karma. Moron. Now I’m just the arrogant bit, but it comes with a side order of experience and some consideration for things beyond the end of my nose and or penis. Ultimately, do what you want to do but learn to stop doing the things you know you’re still doing wrong, and I’ll try to do the same (Except the being a prick bit, I find arrogance is great for deflecting insults)