Made A Pig’s Ear Of It

So of all the things you’d hear about David Cameron, necrophilic bestiality is probably in the same category of unbelievable as him being a secret pornstar or the world’s greatest Pokemon trainer. If you’re somehow unaware, say you live in the US or you don’t follow the news, the British Prime Minister David Cameron allegedly put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig in his uni days as an initiation ritual for a boys club, the idea being it’s one of those gross trials of masculinity like drinking a toilet water cocktail or lighting your ass hair on fire. Vulgar images aside, this odd detail of Cameron’s past has had him become a laughing stock more than he already was and the Prime Minister staunchly denies the allegations, claiming them to be some sort of mud-slinging attack on his reputation or a wild fib by some birk from his past trying to get attention. A prime story like this, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to weigh in on the matter so let’s begin shall we?

Firstly, I’m not sure what to believe, this does sound like a stupid ritual you would have to endure to join the club of the douchebag elite and maybe a young David Cameron was that wild and reckless, after all he is the same man who lit money on fire to taunt the poor as a student (Bullingdon Club activity, you have to offer a homeless person £50 and then set the money on fire whilst they watch) but then David Cameron has the face of a man so boring, drying paint and growing grass are petitioning for the new expression of disinterest be “I’d rather go for a pint with David Cameron”. A life in politics might have just chipped away all the joy and laughter in our PM’s soul, though I can imagine him and George Osborne laughing it up as they read people’s desperate pleas for their benefits. Denying it as a hoax is perhaps a bad move, David can’t let himself be the subject of a joke, he couldn’t whip up some pork puns and admit we all did stupid shit when we were young, instead he wants to be the perfect paragon of behaviour and deny his past until he is blue in the face. I’m inclined to believe it, though I do struggle to, mostly because it doesn’t sound like something you’d just conjure up to spite him, if you’re going to lie you’d make it a lie you could believe that perhaps Cameron attended “Keep Britain White” rallies or something, not that he’d face-fuck a barnyard animal for a lark.

So why would a club do this to their members you might think? University fraternities are depraved but surely not this bad right? Why couldn’t they just superglue their pubes to his face or paint his cock blue? Well, chances are this is a bizarre cross between male bonding and shared shame, the idea being they get people to do these things to have dirt on them in the future. Those claims of photographic evidence? Chances are the photos might well exist and may only surface on public media if Cameron crosses the wrong guy, they probably wanted to have something shameful to blackmail him with and perhaps in turn those who have this squeeze on him, have respective binds laid upon them. For all we know, it could just be this stalemate, with everyone having the power in one incriminating photograph to trip up their peer if they vote the wrong way or support the wrong cause. David Cameron has made waves in his own party in the past, we like to make him out as Satan incarnate but gay marriage became legal in this country whilst he was at the helm, I can imagine some of his old friends only ever referred to the LGBT community as ‘screaming benders’ back in the day, maybe someone holds a grudge. Of course, I could be reading too much into it and maybe it just is some pillock from Oxford trying to get the nation to believe some cock and bull story about his ol’ chum Davey Boy.

Jeremy Corbyn must be kicking himself though hey? Morally above personal smear campaigns and then this gem lands in his lap? Tell you what, if it had been revealed Corbyn was a man with a taste for pork in that sense, The Sun would print so many articles on it you’d see nothing but disturbed looking pigs on every cover page. David Cameron won’t feel a serious blow from this, it’ll be a joke that grows stale and he’ll pay off his friends in high places to make this go away but when Corbyn was taken out of context, the newspapers leapt on the idea that Jeremy might have a thing for Bin Laden. That said, whilst Cameron was taunting the poor and abusing animals with his ding-a-ling, Corbyn was publicly protesting against Apartheid, let that make you think. I have to commend the Labour Leader though, a target of smear campaigns, he makes the promise he’ll never make it personal with his opponents, it’s all about the people for him. I’d say I’d do the same but if I found out my nemesis was the fool of the day for allegations he porked a pig, I’d struggle not to make some wisecracks about it.

I’m disappointed in Cameron though, I expected him to try and dismiss this but really? You could have made yourself seem much more likeable by raising your hands up, admitting to it even if it was not true and saying we all do daft shit when we’re young, it’d have been a chance to get the public to see you as more than a walking mass of misery in a suit. Denying this only means if it is confirmed later, you’ve proven yourself an idiot and a liar, which we all already think but you needn’t give us evidence to back it up. If it is all a hoax, fair enough, though if I was being smeared by people making up that I stupid ballsy stunts, I’d embrace it, at least they aren’t claiming you’re a pedophile or the leader of a slave ring, what’s wrong with this harmless joke? Or is someone close to you a pig and you’re afraid of offending them? Is it Ian Duncan Smith? Is he a pig? He always did look a bit… And he’s greedy… GASP!

Anyway, laugh it up whilst it’s funny I guess, someone will save David’s bacon before long



Proud To Be British

I’m back. I know, I come and go, let’s not go into it and get on with the post at hand shall we? Long story short, either my life or my own headspace doesn’t always let me get on with this whole blogging lark on a regular basis, I fall out of a pattern, hit the ground with a thud and it’s hard to get back and up again, the longer I leave it, the harder it gets, you get the picture. Okay, that said, let’s move on.

Jeremy Corbyn. If you’re in Britain, you’ve probably heard that name a bunch already, the supposed terrorist ‘sympathiser’ who doesn’t sing anthems and doesn’t match his jacket with his trousers, a radical, in the good sense or the worst depending on your view point. Corbyn is a man who decided the political scene needed a man who looks like your Grandad, dresses like your Dad and has the idealism of that one friend who shares Upworthy posts all the time, to which I say good show, if nothing it breaks up the monotony of smarmy suit boys. Of course, being a left-wing idealist with certain viewpoints on our military and monarchy, he’s under fire constantly by critics for the slightest thing, usually anything that falls out of sync with how we perceive the average Brit. Latest news, didn’t sing the national anthem at a memorial service, apparently makes him scum worse than those who round children into vans, but let’s face it, had he sung he’d be accused of hypocrisy so he’s damned either way. My question to you reader, what does it mean to be British and what’s there to be proud of?

You hear the phrase “Proud to be British” and you think of the plucky underdog that fought for freedom in the Second World War. Long summer afternoons, cricket, pubs and a people united by adversity. Today, we’re not the underdog, individually we might face our own issues, namely financial crises, but as a nation we’re not the hideously under-equipped but quintessentially heroic warriors charging foreign shores, we’re trained hardcore soldiers fighting the same flames we pour fuel on and then complain when people run away from the fire. If the EDL, UKIP and BNP are anything to go by, the modern Brit is a bitter racist with a shifty eye for anyone not wearing St. George’s Cross on their chest. The common sentiment is that our veterans fought to keep Britain British and that’s true to an extent but they fought for freedom, they fought so that future generations might know peace, they fought to take down a man who was clearly, unambiguously, fucking evil. Hitler wasn’t gunning for England, he was out to get Poland and that’s when we said enough and stuck up for the little guy even though we weren’t too tall ourselves. The Syrian issue isn’t the same, ISIS is bad, don’t get me wrong but they’re an undisciplined mob of bullies capitalising on an opportunity presented by a civil war, a civil war between two sides that are as bad as each other, committing the same crimes they accuse the other of. So let’s be clear, the Syrian crisis is not the same heroic story as World War Two, we are not jumping in to save the day, we are pissing in the same river as every other party involved and pointing fingers at who made the water unfit to drink.

The refugee situation has shown me a lot about our nation, namely that we go over telling them to be like us but if they come here that’s a crime. We told them to stay and fight, like we’d do that. Fuck no, if this country gets bombs dropped, I’m finding everyone I care about, rounding ’em up and finding somewhere to hide. The men that fled, fled to protect families and because they were scared and somehow not professional killers, like most of us. Credit where it’s due, not everyone in this nation is a callous racist but it speaks volumes when people accused these victims of wars of being benefit-scrounging cockroaches hell-bent on destroying us with all those weapons they are clearly concealing in their rags and sacks. You know who else used cockroaches to describe undesirables? That same tyrant Britain fought to overthrow many decades ago – Hitler got people to hate the Jewish in his country by dehumanising them as ‘cockroaches’, ‘rats’ and ‘vermin’, things we typically want rid of. You do that to these refugees, it suddenly seems a lot less horrid when they’re brutally beat by policemen for being where they shouldn’t or when someone one day suggests building special camps for them… and suddenly there is a lot less of them.

Back to Corbyn, I think he is proud of his nation, I think he is just sick of seeing it be steered into the ground by austerity at the helm and ignorance being the bludgeon it beats us down with. Sensationalised news stories make us stupid and angry over absolutely nothing, like him not singing a song. Jeremy showed his respect by attending, give him a break, you mean to tell me your moral conduct is without fault? You sing every hymn and anthem you hear? I want to be proud of this country but lately we’re not doing much to be proud of, we point fingers at refugees, disabled people and unemployed teens for ruining our country, we are punching down to feel validated in our bitterness when our real problem is the system failed us and we’re either dealing with that by getting angry at passersby or a revolution based on apathetically doing nothing. Conservatives won the election with less than 30% of the vote, that is messed up, that is wrong, why aren’t we more angry about that? You wouldn’t make a decision based on that percentage. Why are we not angry at the newspapers printing horseshit? Why are we angry at those who need defending rather than those who own most our wealth and undermine our society through cuts, cuts and more cuts, through plans to sell off our services and spend our tax money on fighting in places we know so little about? Does it not seem weird that the biggest threat to our economy and security is the people in charge of it?

To conclude, don’t buy into the shitstorm that’s brewing around Corbyn, it’s a smear campaign blowed out of proportion, things taken out of context (i.e he doesn’t think Osama’s death is a tragedy, he thinks the fact he was just shot and tossed in the sea a tragedy, as a human being he deserved a trial and a burial, executing him like that is no less barbaric than decapitations with a machete, only the tool is different, not the intention). Corbyn might be this, that and the other and maybe he is a nail in Labour’s coffin, maybe he isn’t, what will be the final nail in our coffin though is hatred and ignorance. Britain should be trying to lead the way, to be the rational sibling of America that we tell ourselves we are. Britain prides itself on being civilised, on being the scrappy do-gooders in a ruck so let’s be that again. Come on, Britain’s great, we gave the world Doctor Who and Tom Hiddleston, we got knee-deep in dirt and blood for righteousness, we introduced the idea that those who write laws are accountable to them – the Magna Carta, the basis for democracy as we know it now – so why should we also give the world heavy doses of racism and media nonsense even Murdoch wouldn’t try to pull over our eyes

Patriots and Nationalists

Trigger Warnings – Strong language in some places.

I remember when I first heard the word ‘patriot’, it was in school, I must have been about ten years old and my teacher said it meant someone who was proud of their home nation, to put it simply. I thought this was true of most people and indeed it is but it was a word that I rarely heard being used, even in a country like Britain, for most of my life I never heard people refer to themselves as patriotic because it was just a given but now? Patriot is one of those words you just can’t escape any more and the problem with a common place word is that it is open to being used in the wrong context, this is the fate the word irony suffers at the hands of hipsters, or the word random suffers at the hands of those sorts of girls who shout out their love of dinosaurs and cheese and pink hair. I think we need to define the difference between a patriot and a nationalist, they are similar but not the same and so many people I encounter claiming they are ‘British Patriots’ are in fact, nationalists – nationalism being an irresponsible and selfish viewpoint whereas patriotism being perfectly fine and commendable.

Here’s some food for thought to start the discussion:

Patriotism is proud of a country’s virtues and eager to correct its deficiencies; it also acknowledges the legitimate patriotism of other countries, with their own specific virtues. The pride of nationalism, however, trumpets its country’s virtues and denies its deficiencies, while it is contemptuous toward the virtues of other countries. It wants to be, and proclaims itself to be, “the greatest,” but greatness is not required of a country; only goodness is – Sydney J. Harris

That’s a good quote but that was just the appetiser, here’s something to really sink your teeth into:

The difference between patriotism and nationalism is that the patriot is proud of his country for what it does, and the nationalist is proud of his country no matter what it does; the first attitude creates a feeling of responsibility, but the second a feeling of blind arrogance that leads to war – Sydney J. Harris

Now, do you notice a recurring theme here with his quotes? Granted, same guy said both quotes but this man was no fool, he was a widely respected columnist and author, as well as an advocate for women’s rights, pro-choice stances and bringing an end to the death penalty, which might land him in the eyes of a lefty-tosser to some of you but this man held honorary doctorates, awards from the National Conference of Christians and the Chicago Newspaper Guild, I think that earns him some merit. Even without it, he makes a good point about patriotism and nationalism, one that reminds me of something a friend of mine once said in that patriotism is rooting for the home team and turning up at their matches, nationalism is believing the team to be infallible and destroying the stadium at away games. A patriot feels a sense of responsibility to their country and even love has the ability to step back and tell someone they have failed or done wrong, you do not truly love someone if you blindly agree with everything that comes out of their mouth. You have to take pride in their achievements and feel the shame of their shortcomings, encouraging them to do their absolute best.

I hear some people speak of a foreign threat, this was what UKIP appealed to and it’s what Republicans appeal to in America, making people cautious and wary of those that are different in colour or religion or way of life, accusing them of stealing from your country’s resources or trying to bring their culture into your home and ruin your old traditions for you with their strange new ways. Ok, straight away, no white person alive has the right to say “You come over here with your foreign ways and try to make us change? Fuck off!”, that’s what our ancestors did to three quarters of the globe, I think we can overlook building a mosque when we had them baptised and decapitated once upon a time. If you are proud of your country and it’s traditions, you needn’t feel threatened when these changes come, the traditions will live on through you and all traditions need to adapt anyway, that is how we advance as a society from traditions of sacrificing lambs to idols into gathering in churches on a Sunday, someone has to say “Actually, how about we don’t do that any more? It seems a bit primitive/cruel/unfair/silly”. As for patriotism, well, you should be proud that your country is growing and attracting more people and encourage everyone to work together, but it becomes nationalism when you expect them to become like you to be allowed to live amongst you. I remember my stepmother taking her citizenship test to live here, the stuff she had to know was more than nine out of ten Brits actually did know about the country but even so, just because someone has moved to a new country, they haven’t left their heritage for dirt, what they must adhere to in order to live somewhere is the law, they don’t have to adopt the national stereotype to prove themselves worthy.

I’m mostly speaking to Britain here, I was inspired by a UKIP MP actually tearing down his own party for their racist views and that they need to avoid thinking about isolationist views because Britain became ‘Great’ through its allies and neighbours, we didn’t get given the prefix by God as if to say “Yep, you guys are really on the ball with that society you’ve got there, top job, God is British too, keep it up lads”. After all, that term in its most basic form was coined almost two thousand years ago and literally just meant “The bigger bit of the British Isles”, with Ireland being called “The smaller bit of the British Isles”. Don’t get it twisted, I love Britain, I really do, but it is because I’m proud of these isles that I don’t want it become a hive for hateful ignorants telling people to go away and never bother trying to change anything. I know some may strive for the traditions of old but as I said yesterday, that includes bear baiting, where do you want to draw the line? Britain, before it gained friends overseas, was a struggling little island with an infant mortality problem and an 80 hour work week in some instances, is that what we want to bring back?

Charlie Brooker made a good joke about this a while ago about how he liked Britain before the Romanians and the Poles and the Irish and the French and the Normans and the Vikings and the Anglo-Saxons and the Romans, that was proper Britain, clearly exaggerating nationalism to the most radical extreme but perfectly valid. Nationalism is a related philosophy to tribalism when you think about it, it is not a love of the British public as a whole, it is a love of their allies. I mean think about it, really think, could you imagine Nigel Farage calling the left-wing political parties his brethren and respected allies, or even addressing them as good people? Boris Johnson called the left-wing party ‘tossers’, and admittedly I refer to my fellow Brits of wealth and status as entitled pricks, which is a tribal view point, a sort of “If you’re not one of us, you’re against us” mentality more befitting the Great Khans of Fallout than a political party. If you dare speak against the tribe, you’re disloyal, you’re disrespecting your great homeland, you’re a sympathiser with an imagined foe and should be shunned and loathed. Nationalism is essentially thinking your tribe or country deserves the status of the best, which is silly, we’re not in competition, not really, we all share a planet and at the end of the day, countries are invented concepts and if God exists, he won’t gather us all together in a thousand years and say “So it turns out the USA did the best at being a good country, all Americans shall get to go to VIP Heaven and hang out with Jesus, the rest of you get to go to Commoner’s Heaven and polish halos for a living!”

I know there’s an air of ridicule in this post but we need to be clear, you are not a patriot if you support a nationalistic party or believe you live in the best country ever or that your current society is what people should aim for, there is no set guideline as to what a country is supposed to be, a lot of people say we all want to be America really but that’s because it’s a rich nation and everyone wants to be rich. Support your nation, by all means, love it and wear the colours, but respect that people aren’t obliged to take part, even if they’re your next door neighbour, and if you ever start dismissing people for having a different cultural background to you or a desire to practice their own religion or language despite living in a place not reflecting that background, take a step back and imagine it the opposite way round. White people fear a white minority because they’re worried we’d be treated the way we treat them – racism, intolerance and ignorance bordering on being abused simply for existing. In time, maybe we can live in a world where no minority need ever live in constant fear, where every man and woman is a valid peer as should be true of democracy, and lord knows we all love a good democracy.

As always readers, you have my thanks for stopping by, please click that little like button down below to let me know what you people like to see on here and if you want to get more involved with this blog, find me on Facebook at the link down below to get more information on the blog in general and you can message me directly there (or comment on here, whichever suits you!). Please be sure to share this with your friends!

That Wily Fox Cameron

Trigger Warnings – Animal abuse/death, death by asphyxiation

So this is in the news, and I shit you not here, David Cameron has promised that if the Tories win the next election, one of their priorities will be legalising fox hunting after the ban placed on it by the Labour Government of 2004. I am not joking, this is a serious issue to him apparently, one he needs to address if he gets to have his way in the next election and I’m here to put in my say for those of you who are interested because in lieu of actually slapping Cameron around the ear and telling him to be less of an entitled rich prick, this is the best I can realistically do on the matter.

No points for guessing where I stand on this issue then, in typical Green Party supporting, gay marriage okaying, upper class hating fashion, I’m against this primitive bloodsport, they say it is the sport of kings but it hardly seems that dignified and noble to ride a horse after a pack of angry dogs chasing down a lone fox or a deer and then letting them rip it apart or shoot at it, it’s not sport if one team has a clear and consistent advantage – give the fox a team of his mates and some weapons, then it’s a sport. Anyway, I’m not alone in this, in 2012 a public opinion poll showed 81% of the general public were against repealing the ban from eight years prior and though there are a large number of people supporting lifting this ban, these people are an entitled few. Now I’m not against stamping on people’s private joys, you do what you will but when your idea of having a good time involves the word ‘killing’, that’s not fair, what right do you have to kill for amusement?

Nigel Farage also wants to repeal this ban, he’s not called it a priority besides his policies on immigration and such but when Farage and Cameron agree on something, it worries me, the Kippers consist of breakaways from the Tories but in this instance we see them holding hands and as if a testament as to how out of touch Cameron is with the world, he’s running into the arms of UKIP and asking for a hug and a pint of fox blood. In the grand scheme of things, is hunting really an issue that needs addressing that badly? We have people living in poverty, apparently immigration is a major issue and there are still people without jobs and students racking up massive debts for daring to invest in their own future but nope, whether or not rich people can give the fox both barrels is much more important. A politician, ideally, should be a vessel for the will of the people, the one with the legal power to do what Joe Everyman wants to see made better about society and even in a town as rural and traditional as Shrewsbury, I’ve seen maybe two car window stickers saying “Support Fox Hunting!”. I mean, this is ridiculous that it’s even come up, this is not something worth investing resources into discussing when there are soldiers dying, children starving and companies trouncing our tax systems – are the Tories so out of touch that they honestly have to prioritise this ridiculous pass time for the rich? Do they really care so little for the people beneath them that they’re like “Oh sorry Britain, I know you’re all peeved about this wealth inequality situation but can we all take a moment of our time to decide whether or not my mates and I have your permission to go shoot woodland critters? Thanks!”

I’m not an idiot, I know there are necessary culls and population booms and jobs that rely upon hunting, I know that people will say “It’s nature, it’s good for the animals to be hunted to keep them fit!” (Which is a load of bollocks, foxes and deer have no natural predator in this country other than farmers so… they’re only learning the lesson of avoid human beings, they have muskets) but this is a cruel and inhumane way to go about controlling the population, the animals suffer a lot for the sake of fun, fun and suffering are not supposed to go together,we know that, we lock up people who think they do. You might speak of preserving tradition, of standing up for what defines our country but does that mean we need to bring back bear-baiting, the cruel process of sicking a pack of starved mongrels on a shaved and beaten bear? Or how about we bring back the British tradition of public hangings? We used to take the kids out to watch the Hangman’s Jig! Traditions should not be preserved simply because “It’s what our forefathers did!”, yeah, our ancestors used to shit in holes and display severed heads in their garden as a sign of status, we stopped those things, we can stop hunting as well – we must constantly challenge traditions for their flaws and adapt them to the times we live in for a fairer society. Some say the Hunting Act was an attack on the lives of the rural people but I’m sorry, pleasure and slaughter are not supposed to go together, that’s just how it works.

The argument about fox hunting, in particular legalising it, distracts from the real issues at hand and if Cameron brings it up, it’s going to detract from the core values of his party – immigration control, a stronger economy and welfare regulation reform – I don’t want the Tories to win the next election but even so, this is just a bad move, it’s using power and status to defend private interests. Heck, even UKIP said that whilst they want the ban lifted, it’s not something they’re actively fighting for just yet, immigration control comes first. You know something isn’t right when UKIP have more common sense… I NEVER thought I’d say that about them, ever…

Hey readers, thanks for reading this article – let me know your opinions on the subject either in the comment section down below or message me on my Facebook page, the link is down below. As always, please be sure to like and share and click like at the link down below for the latest updates, you need never miss a post again!

Our Way Of Life

Trigger Warnings – Single brief mention of sexual assault (Nothing explicit, literally just a word but I’m throwing this up here in case, I know just the word alone can set off some), strong language throughout

Has anyone else ever noticed most of our pressing issues as a society are conflicting beliefs and privileges, usually people get up in arms about having to adjust their way of life one way or the other? The week just past alone has seen people argue about public feeding, ‘bloody’ immigrants and as ever, those gosh darn gay people wanting to marry each other. Now, this might come off as hypocrisy for a man urging reform but it’s a salvageable hypocrisy but my point is, why do people insist on hassling people over this? If it’s not affecting you, it’s not affecting you, can you not just go with it like that or do you truly lose so much sleep over these things? So, a list article is coming at you folks as I take a no-nonsense approach to some attitudes people seriously stick to and you may notice a theme in my responses, just saying.

“I can’t walk down (Insert Street Name) without hearing everyone there speak (Insert Language that isn’t English)”

Well, straight off the bat, you’re eavesdropping, rude. You know if you don’t understand what’s being said it’s probably not a conversation for you to listen in on or they’d speak a language you understand. I know people say if they come here, they better speak our language and maybe some don’t but for the most part they learn, it’s just nice to talk in your native tongue. I mean, if you moved to Russia, sure you could learn Russian and speak Russian all the time but if someone there approached you speaking English, would you not say “Oh thank fuck, this is much easier for me”? I would. Ok, so some areas become populated by a certain demographic and you might hear foreign languages all around you but don’t get in a huff over it, walk on and let them do their thing, maybe instead of bitching about it you can instead appreciate the fact you live in a culturally diverse area – not everyone coming to Britain wants to forget their heritage and be like us in the same way you moving abroad doesn’t mean you despise steak pies and cricket, you literally just thought you might have a nicer life there, not to escape your nationality.

“Ugh, the way she’s dressed, she’s trying to draw attention to herself, it disgusts me”

I’ve defended sluts in the past, they’re literally just having fun being attractive, who wouldn’t? However, people often criticise the dress sense for being too showy, for calling attention to flesh and so forth but really, here’s a novel suggestion, look away. If it honestly disgusts you, don’t look. Personally, I can’t stand tracksuits, the soft fabric ones especially as you never see a clean one, they’re always stained and slovenly but I find a good solution is to think “I wouldn’t wear that myself but whatever, I’ll turn and look the other way now”. Try it, see something disgusting? Don’t look. Also, you’re not obliged to give commentary on people’s dress sense, just saying, or I would constantly be telling strangers on the street they look seriously under-dressed by comparison to me. “Oh that’s cute, you went into town in a onesie huh? Get out of your goddamn pyjamas and put a suit on, you’re a grown man”. I’d be one sassy son of a gun and nobody would like me and nobody likes anybody who hurls fashion critique at strangers – except Gok Wan apparently, bitches love Gok Wan.

“Women shouldn’t breastfeed their children in a public place, it’s embarrassing to be around someone doing that out in the open”

You want to know what bodily functions shouldn’t be done with an audience? Shitting, pissing, fucking (unless that’s your kink and they agreed I guess) and masturbating (again, unless that’s a thing and they want to watch for some reason). Breast-feeding, eh, so what? Seriously, saying “So what?” as a response to things gives you a much more peaceful life. You don’t need to be embarrassed by what you see, it is a part of nature, it is the more meaningful purpose of breasts as opposed to bags of fat to oggle at. However, maybe you’re still a bit prude, maybe it does make you feel awkward? Stop looking. You are not being forced to look, the mother didn’t mount your lap and whip them out for you, she’s sat away from you so just do your thing and she’ll do hers and her baby will get the key nutrients they need to grow up into a functional adult, which is more than can be said for some.

“Men marrying men, next thing you know I’ll marry my horse!”

Legitimately happening right now, a Michigan pastor is stood with his horse, making it wear a gown as a statement on how gay marriage is akin to bestiality. This is perhaps the most ridiculous argument against gay marriage because it suggests humans are too stupid to know where to draw the line between consenting partners in a long term relationship and sticking your dick in a bagel. I mean, give us some credit as a species, we did invent the internet and various medicines and such like, I think there are enough people in the world who can tell the difference between a lesbian and labradoodle and then say “No, no this is silly, this is not a bond of love between two intelligent individuals, this is just weird”. If you aren’t gay or such yourself, what does it matter? Are you so worried about what will happen? So far no apocalypse and if it is a sin, it’s not a sin affecting you. I could write more on each of these but this is just a summation really.

Anyway, this is just a little piece on four sentences I have heard over the week just gone that have made me roll my eyes. Nigel Farage, yup there he is again, a putrid stain on my blog, is a man fighting for a Britain that doesn’t exist – a world of warm beer in a green field as white guys throw a ball around and eat meat with women sitting pretty by their side saying nothing. Society has to advance, imagine if we’d have listened to the guy saying “Nope, this fire thing sounds like a bad idea and I refuse to ever hunt with one of your fancy spears Jeff, let’s sit in the dark and starve like normal people!”. Bit of a straw-man but fuck it, it’s hardly exaggerating these arguments, even traffic in this country is apparently the malicious work of immigrants. It’s beyond a joke now, we should just all cut each other some slack, live our lives and let people live theirs. The difference with me challenging these people on their beliefs – I’m fighting to give everyone an equal right to be what they want to be, these guys are throwing a hissy fit over nothing. Gays get married, women wear short skirts, mothers feed babies, the world keeps spinning – until God himself comes down and says “Hey guys, I see you made gay marriage legal across the world huh? Yeah, I’m not happy”, maybe he’s on board huh? Sure, he never said he didn’t approve of murder and rape but those are bad things because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO A LIVING BEING?

You see where I’m coming from? Good. Play nicely humans, we all have to live together, let’s try to be civil about it

A Pint of Bitter

Trigger Warnings – None really, very light mentions of drug use/abuse

Early post, off out tonight to celebrate my birthday with some friends, one of whom is moving away before my actual birthday and that’s why the celebrations were moved forward a bit. I’m not going off down the pub, despite everyone attending being old enough for that to be an option, I don’t drink, as I’ve probably mentioned, but I figured this was a good opportunity for me to have my say with regards to the drinking culture of the British people

Now there’s plenty to be said about the detriments on society caused by alcohol, how it’s clearly much more dangerous for your health than say marijuana and here in Britain it causes so many fights and punch-ups because it’s very easy to get very drunk and with a healthcare system like ours, you’ll be patched up before going back to work on Monday, given a slap on the wrist and sent on your jolly way. America doesn’t have that issue as much, mostly because Americans have guns and are a little less brawl-happy than the British pub-goer because they know their opponent could pull a weapon. Anyway, that’s not the article I’m going for here, badmouthing booze in Britain is an act of heresy and I’m sure this one paragraph alone will earn me the scorn of anyone in my area partial to a pint, thinking I’m some nay-saying wet blanket who drinks lemonade whilst knitting myself a scarf

I’m actually more interested in the very casual but committed relationship people have with alcohol. David Mitchell had a soapbox rant about this, largely the inspiration for this article, and he hits the nail on the head by comparing a pub experience to a coffee shop experience. I’ve said before coffee shops are not as full with intellectuals and scholars as you might think, it’s more Hipster ground now (Yes those are still a thing, I think) but even so, a coffee shop experience is perhaps an hour of sitting around with a drink, talking, getting bored of what each other has to say and leaving. Done, painless. A pub, not so much. I hate standard pubs with a passion really, lots of uncomfy furniture and conversations with people who gradually get less and less eloquent the more they drink, who then either make a fool of themselves, become aggressive or cry morosely for nothing until eventually vomiting and looking for some way home via taxi or sober friend. Thankfully, I don’t drive, or at least, don’t drive with friends who like to drink a lot, or I’d be the designated driver for life. I know you can always just have the one and leave but lots of people prefer to make an evening of it and that’s just not something you’d do in a Starbucks or Costa, who wants to spend that long in one place that only serves light refreshments and drinks?  Pub patrons apparently, they’ll live off Carling and pork scratchings to enjoy the banter and odd game of darts or pool, I could maybe have a drink and a game but after that I’d get bored and go home

By all means, this is just my opinion, the opinion of a sober man. I’ve drunk alcohol before, don’t get me wrong, a few kinds in fact – wine, vodka, Jager Bombs (I was a bartender, a customer didn’t like the idea of a tea-total man serving him so bought me three and demanded I down them before taking his actual order), cider – it just doesn’t do much for me and I’m against imbibing large quantities of something that impedes brain power. I like my brain, being intelligent is a big part of what I am and if that was replaced with slurred words and vomiting, that leaves me with a lot less of my personality to go on to make a positive impression of myself. Alcohol is a drug, a socially acceptable one at that which makes any boring situation into a more interesting one, that’s why hours can pass quickly when you’re drinking but they’ll crawl by when you’re sat there with a cup of coffee or a glass of squash and so if anyone invites me out to the pub or to a party which is just “It’s us lot all in one room drinking alcohol and listening to music”, I roll my eyes because I won’t be drinking, because I don’t want to, and I’ll miss out on the biggest part of the fun. Imagine this scenario with smoking weed or snorting coke, you don’t partake in it, you sit watching other people do it whilst you’re sat with a standard cigarette or snorting… umm… sherbert? Talcon powder? I don’t know what the substitute for that could be but you get my point

Carrying on with David Mitchell again here, he asks if our society is in denial that our social activities and interactions revolve around being slightly pissed. I wonder too, it’s not as much fun being the sober guy at the party or in the club, everyone is so loose and stupid and I’m sat there with Dignity sat on one side and Anxiety on the other going “Well aren’t you a stupid twat? You gonna dance with the cute blonde? No, thought not. Tosser”. I mean I could try getting drunk but given the number of mental barriers I enforce on myself not to do a lot of things, being drunk would undo that and a lot of people would then come to realise that without those barriers in place, I might be a total fuckwad. I’ve come a long way and had to invest a lot of hard work in holding back things that aren’t kind to say or indeed overcoming my violent history so I don’t want to take the risk of getting totally trollied, punching someone in the face and calling them every single foul thing I’ve ever wanted to call them, because I’d remember doing it eventually and then I’d never look at myself the same way again

There we go, I’m afraid of what alcohol might help me discover about myself. I like to think I’m a good guy but maybe that’s because I try to be, maybe deep down I’m a piece of filth. Still, as it stands, British socialising does revolve a lot around drinking – clubs, pubs, bars, parties – it’ll be curious to see who heads for the bar tonight in my birthday celebration and how a sober social activity plays out