The Year Ahead

Trigger Warnings – Strong language throughout

Alright readers, are you all sober again? Hmm? I trust you didn’t all lose your phones and/or wallets last night, you probably lost your lunch but who am I to judge? Anyway, continuing on from yesterday, I’ve told you about my 2014, now let’s get onto what I want out of 2015 and how I hope to get on with it. I know what you’re thinking, resolutions are hooey, nobody ever keeps them going on into February, we all give up on that diet after one salad and that “I swear I’m going to work out” then becomes “I swear I’m going to work out the best possible way to do nothing productive”. However, I think putting these goals up on a public domain that I can easily access might make them stick with me better and I’ve already got people willing to help me achieve some of these goals so let’s see what happens, maybe I’ll give you all a progress check next week

First up, lose weight, not a lot, just enough so that when I look down, I see my belt buckle and not my belly. I get told all the time I’m worrying over nothing and that I’m still as handsome/ugly as I’ve always been, the only one seemingly bothered by my pudge is me but therein is the big factor, it bothers me. My body is my own and I want to feel as attractive as possible in it, it took no effort to do that through my teen years but I don’t have a black void for a gut any more, if I eat fatty foods, it shows. I’m also annoyed that looking in the mirror, my jawline has rounded out so I look less like my former self and more like a bearded hamster. I am Jacob Wolfe, not Jacob Hamstere. Furthermore, people say they haven’t noticed but until I made it abundantly clear it wasn’t appreciated, I noticed over the past few months jokes about my appearance became targeted at my shape, namely the fact I am short and tubby – previous jokes about my appearance used to be about my messy hair or scraggly beard ┬ábut lately it’s been more about the fact I am shorter and fatter than most people I know. Terrific. So that ends there, I’m no longer taking sugar in my tea, I’m starting to take vitamins to help me improve all round, I’ve sworn off all sticky buns and cakes as comfort foods and I’m going to take up jogging. I didn’t today, boo me, it was raining heavily and my mood was low but if I feel better, I’ll go for it.

On a serious note, I have to get my act together this year, I’m twenty years old and I have no further education beyond lack-lustre A-Levels and some work-based training, I still live with my parents because of many many reasons but I’ll just have to get around it and I’m currently unemployed and single. The single bit, eh, no big deal, I’m single for the right reasons and I know what I really want in a relationship now so I have ideas how to move forward there but the rest of that shit? Got to clear it up. I’m going to get back on Jobseeker’s again, find a job that uses my new skills and pays a decent wage, save up a packet to get me some driving lessons and a car in the future, I’ll probably need help from the family for that (Dad did say he wanted to make my 21st birthday a big deal as he felt he didn’t do bugger all for my 18th so maybe I can talk to him about that) and then look into education and moving closer to where I attend. I need to decide what to study, I’d say creative writing or such but I’m not sure, I may well take up Foundation Psychology and work my way in that way, psychology is actually one of my main interests alongside history and film/gaming culture and recently politics. God I sound boring… Hey Jake, you’re an attractive single male, what are your interests? Mmm fucking love me some textbooks and Hitchcock movies, that shit’s the bomb. This resolution isn’t so much a silly little thing I’d like, this is serious, this is “Jacob, get your flipping act together!” so I must stick to this one, fat gut or not!

On the subject of my blog, I want to move it to YouTube and become a vlogger, though I need to find a way of making myself stand out and I promise you it won’t be “Look at me, I’m a zany twenty something with lots of material possessions I own as the backdrop to me jump cutting around the room and calling things crazy”, that’s just not me. I’ll aim to be funny and interesting, obviously, and probably more engaging or lively than I usually am in person but it’s not an easy feat for a guy like me, my main conversation consisting of the odd one-liner slid into appropriate moments and a series of distinctive shrugs and “Hmm” noises. I have someone willing to help edit and work on the videos, I already have someone offering to let me use some of their equipment and I’ll look into getting some of my own of course. I’ll probably post less frequently here but I’ll look into making the posts themed or something, have some better structure going as opposed to “This is what I feel like doing today, deal with it”. I’ve really got back into this, I lacked confidence and sometimes my confidence does wane with the view counter but I definitely think my latest posts are more coherent and generally better all round than my old material, but that’s for my audience to decide. So that’s going to take a while and might be difficult with everything else going on but I’m going to try my damned hardest to balance it all and if I can, maybe get TDWC into something I like.

Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate, it’s not going to be easy but I’ll keep record of what I do. I have a diary, journal, whatever, I stuck to the mood one pretty well and need to evaluate the results of that but yeah, decided I’d also get into writing a normal diary such as it were, day by day thoughts. Hardly going to be the work of Pepys but y’know, it’ll be good to look back on and I’ll be able to see just how far I did or didn’t make it over the year. Anyway, all that remains now is to wish you all luck in your own endeavours and I hope you wish me luck in mine!

And so let’s look forward to a glorious future, hopefully, maybe, optimism for the win. I’d love it if you could like and share what you see here and as usual, please check out the link below and click that like button to get updates from me in your feed and the opportunity to catch these posts the moment they go up! Feel free to hit me up with comments and messages too (Be tasteful, spam will not get responded to)

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My 2014

Trigger Warnings – Strong language throughout

Are you excited readers? The new year will dawn upon us soon, it’s time to make plans you’ll never stick to and get so shit-faced your first words of 2015 will be “Oh my fucking god, kill me”, your first morning will have you wake up to being upside down and almost blind with your arse out and your guts on the floor. I’ll be starting my new year entirely sober, bored and probably sat on my butt in front of a screen but I’m not complaining, tis how I almost always start the new year, the only new year I ever spent away from home I spent sat in front of my girlfriend of the time’s TV instead… both of us, I didn’t just turn up and lounge on her sofa like some sort of intrusive sloth. Anyway, as is the tradition, this is the time of year where we all look back at the last twelve months and judge how far we have come and how far we still need to go. Tonight, I’ll talk about how far I’ve come, tomorrow, how far I need to go, a post in two halves such as it were.

I started this year with nothing really, my social life was dead in the water because my pockets were empty and my mood was awful. I had a small circle of people I could kill some time with now and then but for the most part I was just going through the motions. I’m in a similar stance now but something about it then seemed even less worthwhile, maybe it was the lingering feeling I was there because I didn’t get up, as opposed to biding time to come at it again. Anyway, I eventually got my ass back on job seeker’s, I’d been out of pocket since losing my job as a bartender and needed the money to get by. Shortly after that, things started picking up and I was learning to market my skills a bit better, a few job trials but nothing really went my way for a long time. Socially though, I improved, I got myself into a cosy relationship that I was quite happy with.

I won’t divulge into details of the relationship but you’re all aware I’m single so you can tell it didn’t last. I could bitch and whine or make them out as a callous cretin but I’ll avoid it, in spite of everything I just don’t feel venomous or anger towards them, I just keep out of their way and they keep out of mine. I learnt a lot from the relationship though and they helped me understand so many things from different perspectives – gender identities, contemporary feminism, philosophy and even how to be a better writer. The relationship wasn’t one of the body but more one of the mind but I suppose putting two people like us in a room together for too long was either going to be phenomenal or disastrous and so it started as the former and ended as the latter. If you’re reading, hello, hope you’re well, I’d be surprised if you did follow my blog but then again maybe I wouldn’t be. I’m not sure what I’d say to you if we met in person, I’m sure you feel the same probably, undecided if you’d punch me or kiss me but I shan’t overstep the line either way, just know that I do still think about you at times and I’m thankful for everything I gained from what we had, I like to think I am a better man now than I was then, and I don’t mean that with arrogance or bravado but with the opposite, I have learnt the value of listening, of measured selflessness and that we are more than a collection of traits, we are all vast and wide as oceans and just as mysterious. Thank you for that.

Sentimentality aside, the break up was about May time I believe, the details are hazy but it was around that time I started working at Oxfam. I quickly proved myself as a capable worker and found myself being entrusted with greater responsibility as time went by, my manager telling me I was being considered for a managerial role myself. I enjoyed my time at Oxfam, I met some good people and I got to see some of my old friends more regularly in an environment that was engaging without it being “Let’s meet up and stare at televisions and eat stuff”, now we were working together, we came to understand each other a bit better. I finally mended a long since shaking bridge with a friend of mine who has become irreplaceable over the past few months and I got to see sides to my best friend I had not seen before, all of us becoming much closer and much stronger as a unit and as individuals. I have no regrets there, this year to me is defined by the bonds I forged, the friends I made and the old friends I grew to know much better than I once did, holding them through tears and having them cheer me on to make something myself. I became warmer inside, warmer than I had felt before, much warmer than I started the year, a bitter and grumpy man simply existing, now I was working hard, spending time out being active and giving something back to my community.

Autumn rolled in and I got the job. I like to think I did pretty well, with everything considered, and my colleagues came to realise that I was not the shadow of my manager, I was a leader in my own right, I could feel that level of respect from them and it was demanding, sure, every issue that cropped up had a face staring towards me for directions. As the job came to an end, the overall evaluation came as a disappointment, I had not lived up to what I expected of myself or the targets I had been set, management is a challenging line of work for a man who barely says more than twenty words a day. I had my confidence shaken, some had doubted my capability in my role and went about their problems with me in ways I didn’t feel satisfied with, namely going around me to my superiors but hey, that’s the world of work, not everyone has it in them to come up to someone and resolve problems in such a direct manner, even myself at times. I took a step back from Oxfam after that point, to rest, to try and enjoy the festive season with a fair sum of money to my name, which I used to get some essentials for the future and to thoroughly spoil those that I cared about, knowing I wouldn’t get the chance too often. I did it because, well, even though not one of them would say I owe them anything, I felt I did, I had started this year so bitter and cold but each of them gave me something, each of them made me laugh, supported me through tough times and I had grown to love them all in ways I never did before. Blah, mushy…

The year has brought joys and sorrows. Ok, so I had my heart trampled on again, my cynicism towards romance is at its absolute peak now but through careful discussions, I came to understand what I REALLY want in a relationship, not what I told myself I wanted, so I’ve got my fingers crossed that things will work out and I actually feel some hope there. I felt a sense of elation on my birthday though, that for me was brilliant, that so many would show up even without seeing me for so long, just to celebrate my birthday and all of them paired their contribution to the party cost and then some, it reminded me that for all my money worries and dead love life, I’ve got good friends, in that sense I am rich. Granted, this is all a bit doey-eyed but it’s New Year’s Eve, it’s what we do, followed by ridiculous promises tomorrow.

So where am I now? Well, back to being unemployed and single but I have a better sense of who I am, how I feel and I now have a blog I actually put effort into, friends who actually want to spend time with me (Like, few weeks ago, met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in years and my god, it was like we’d never been apart, it was just natural friendly banter all the time, we shared a lot about ourselves and we’re meeting up again soon) and I have more experience of work, a better attitude and the support and resources to do more than claim benefits and rummage around for job opportunities like some sort of beggar, now I’m a desirable employee… though a car would help. Plans for the new year! Woop!

Anyway, happy new year readers, hope 2014 was your year and if not, fuck it, here’s another one, maybe it won’t be shitty, maybe it will, let’s find out together shall we? Hit like and share on here and be sure to check me out at my Facebook page, it’s funny now and then and the comment sections are a hoot (Though if this ever takes off, beware ze trolls!)

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Christmas Day Special – My Christmas of 2014

Trigger Warnings – None.

Merry Christmas folks! Sorry if this is up late but come on, credit where credit is due, even posting anything on this day deserves a pat on the back really doesn’t it? I hope you are all having a jolly good time of this festive occasion, my Christmas hasn’t exactly been what one would typically call Christmas Day but I’m not here to complain, not today, not on Christmas Day, I’ll save you that much. Anyway, Christmas and the New Year come so close together that it is at this time of year, particularly in the evening, we come to reflect on how far we have come since this same time last year and whilst I plan to do a personal post on all that another day, my mind still dwells there and I’ve been rather thoughtful tonight so allow me to share my musings.

So, Christmas was sort of cancelled this year, for us – our family has endured some hard ordeals that have been taxing on my father and my stepmother and a recent family incident destroyed the festive spirit of my Dad, the youngest of our family stole a great sum of money from other members and for a holiday all about family and togetherness, this came as a harsh blow. I’m all for second chances but if you knew the history, this kid isn’t on his second, he’s on his tenth, we’re tired. Anyway, moving on to less depressing subjects, we managed to enjoy some festivity here – there were gifts being passed around, we had a very large dinner and we’ve enjoyed some films and games, as well as you know, plenty of chocolate. Yes, Christmas is a cosy time of year for most of us, we cannot all enjoy it, there are those who still starve and scream even today and for that, we have to be thankful for what we have, as I am sure you are all aware.

I am thankful for a lot this year, even in spite of finding myself unemployed and some less than ideal health issues, mood issues and family issues but beyond that, I have a lot to be grateful for even so. You see, as Christmas looked set to be miserable, I was flooded with love and support from friends and even invitations to join them for Christmas next year if it looks set to be much the same. I dare not think that far ahead but the invitations are very much welcomed and maybe I will take up on one of those invitations, maybe not, time will tell and it is much too soon to make shots in the dark at what the next Christmas has in store for me. I like to think I have been very festive this year, I had a fair sum of money to my name at the time and did what I wanted to do the most with it – I wanted to spoil those close to me, to buy them thought out gifts to tell each of them that I care because each of those people that got something, they got me through the year, they gave me strength and I knew I would not get the opportunity to indulge them too often so I figured why not? I find the most joy in the joy of others, sounds cheesy and stupid but I do. You know what sound I love more than anything? A gasp, a gasp of surprise when you have got someone something they did not expect, when they put their hand to their mouth and smile. I find it deeply satisfying and maybe there is an element of selfishness in pursuing that reaction but it’s a redeemable selfishness surely? I’ll leave it to you to make that call.

I’ve not been a true saint of the holiday, I’ve done so few charitable deeds unless it was for someone within my family or circle of friends, I didn’t help out at a soup kitchen, I didn’t deliver toys to children in hospitals, I didn’t give my coat to a homeless man and such things are indeed praiseworthy, I wish I had the resources to do such things constantly and rest assured, come the new year, I will get back into charity work, it is rewarding and can be quite fun in the right environment. The new year holds a lot in store for me, mostly the reality that I must get my life on track and move forward from this endless wandering in circles. Still, as I said, it being Christmas, let me take this opportunity to thank you all for a great year – my blog is back and better than before, I have such good close friends and I have done so much with this year that it amazes me that this has been one year, it has been a long one for me but what I’ve gained from it, I am happy to have found.

Merry Christmas readers and a Happy New Year to all. Give me a little present of a like and a share and be sure to like my page on Facebook. Thank you for reading and let’s see what the new year brings for us all!

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