So of all the things you’d hear about David Cameron, necrophilic bestiality is probably in the same category of unbelievable as him being a secret pornstar or the world’s greatest Pokemon trainer. If you’re somehow unaware, say you live in the US or you don’t follow the news, the British Prime Minister David Cameron allegedly put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig in his uni days as an initiation ritual for a boys club, the idea being it’s one of those gross trials of masculinity like drinking a toilet water cocktail or lighting your ass hair on fire. Vulgar images aside, this odd detail of Cameron’s past has had him become a laughing stock more than he already was and the Prime Minister staunchly denies the allegations, claiming them to be some sort of mud-slinging attack on his reputation or a wild fib by some birk from his past trying to get attention. A prime story like this, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to weigh in on the matter so let’s begin shall we?
Firstly, I’m not sure what to believe, this does sound like a stupid ritual you would have to endure to join the club of the douchebag elite and maybe a young David Cameron was that wild and reckless, after all he is the same man who lit money on fire to taunt the poor as a student (Bullingdon Club activity, you have to offer a homeless person £50 and then set the money on fire whilst they watch) but then David Cameron has the face of a man so boring, drying paint and growing grass are petitioning for the new expression of disinterest be “I’d rather go for a pint with David Cameron”. A life in politics might have just chipped away all the joy and laughter in our PM’s soul, though I can imagine him and George Osborne laughing it up as they read people’s desperate pleas for their benefits. Denying it as a hoax is perhaps a bad move, David can’t let himself be the subject of a joke, he couldn’t whip up some pork puns and admit we all did stupid shit when we were young, instead he wants to be the perfect paragon of behaviour and deny his past until he is blue in the face. I’m inclined to believe it, though I do struggle to, mostly because it doesn’t sound like something you’d just conjure up to spite him, if you’re going to lie you’d make it a lie you could believe that perhaps Cameron attended “Keep Britain White” rallies or something, not that he’d face-fuck a barnyard animal for a lark.
So why would a club do this to their members you might think? University fraternities are depraved but surely not this bad right? Why couldn’t they just superglue their pubes to his face or paint his cock blue? Well, chances are this is a bizarre cross between male bonding and shared shame, the idea being they get people to do these things to have dirt on them in the future. Those claims of photographic evidence? Chances are the photos might well exist and may only surface on public media if Cameron crosses the wrong guy, they probably wanted to have something shameful to blackmail him with and perhaps in turn those who have this squeeze on him, have respective binds laid upon them. For all we know, it could just be this stalemate, with everyone having the power in one incriminating photograph to trip up their peer if they vote the wrong way or support the wrong cause. David Cameron has made waves in his own party in the past, we like to make him out as Satan incarnate but gay marriage became legal in this country whilst he was at the helm, I can imagine some of his old friends only ever referred to the LGBT community as ‘screaming benders’ back in the day, maybe someone holds a grudge. Of course, I could be reading too much into it and maybe it just is some pillock from Oxford trying to get the nation to believe some cock and bull story about his ol’ chum Davey Boy.
Jeremy Corbyn must be kicking himself though hey? Morally above personal smear campaigns and then this gem lands in his lap? Tell you what, if it had been revealed Corbyn was a man with a taste for pork in that sense, The Sun would print so many articles on it you’d see nothing but disturbed looking pigs on every cover page. David Cameron won’t feel a serious blow from this, it’ll be a joke that grows stale and he’ll pay off his friends in high places to make this go away but when Corbyn was taken out of context, the newspapers leapt on the idea that Jeremy might have a thing for Bin Laden. That said, whilst Cameron was taunting the poor and abusing animals with his ding-a-ling, Corbyn was publicly protesting against Apartheid, let that make you think. I have to commend the Labour Leader though, a target of smear campaigns, he makes the promise he’ll never make it personal with his opponents, it’s all about the people for him. I’d say I’d do the same but if I found out my nemesis was the fool of the day for allegations he porked a pig, I’d struggle not to make some wisecracks about it.
I’m disappointed in Cameron though, I expected him to try and dismiss this but really? You could have made yourself seem much more likeable by raising your hands up, admitting to it even if it was not true and saying we all do daft shit when we’re young, it’d have been a chance to get the public to see you as more than a walking mass of misery in a suit. Denying this only means if it is confirmed later, you’ve proven yourself an idiot and a liar, which we all already think but you needn’t give us evidence to back it up. If it is all a hoax, fair enough, though if I was being smeared by people making up that I stupid ballsy stunts, I’d embrace it, at least they aren’t claiming you’re a pedophile or the leader of a slave ring, what’s wrong with this harmless joke? Or is someone close to you a pig and you’re afraid of offending them? Is it Ian Duncan Smith? Is he a pig? He always did look a bit… And he’s greedy… GASP!
Anyway, laugh it up whilst it’s funny I guess, someone will save David’s bacon before long
BOOM CHEAP SHOT!