Trigger Warnings – Mentions of suffocation/vivid nightmares/death
Well hello internet, Old Man Wolfe is back on your News Feed or your Reader feed, here to treat you to more of that delicious assortment of personal musings,mumblings and miffed off articles about injustice and inequality in society. Missed me? Yes, I’m back a little bit later than I hoped, long boring story there, not really post worthy as it was just some technical issues surrounding internet connection but the point is, I’m back! Feels good to have a solid keyboard beneath my fingers once again and to have justified font, all sexy sleek like. I shall be doing my best to get back into the swing of things now and make up for lost time with some good stuff in the future I should hope.
You might be asking, how was I on my break? Did I relax and have fun? Am I back all refreshed and clear minded? I hope you’re asking, that’d be polite and I thought our relationship was one of sharing and caring. Erhem, well, I did sort of enjoy taking a week not panicking about what to post about but me personally, I’m afraid the past week has been hard on me, that mood scale has been clocking in below five pretty much non stop except for the odd moment of comfort in the company of good friends. I’m scoring one far more often than I’d like and my dreams have involved yet more unusual deaths such as being impaled on a spear and almost having my hand chopped off by my best friend in a gladiator match.To add to matters, lately I’m being kept awake by the feeling of hands around my throat whenever I’m upset, I can even feel thumbs poking into my Adam’s Apple. No, it’s not an allergy, my diet hasn’t changed, I’m not using new detergents and I have not been bitten or stung by anything, I don’t actually have any known allergies anyway, our family doesn’t have many. Apparently it’s psychological, it’s a symptom of an anxiety disorder, thus the stress and sadness being the trigger so it doesn’t help the moment I feel blue, I get this ghost of my own mind trying to choke me as if putting me out of my own misery permanently. Dramatic, yes, but it honestly feels like I’m being throttled, I’ve been throttled before so I know how that feels and this is the same only my feet are on the floor or on my bed.
I hate to come back on such bad notes but there hasn’t been a great deal of joy in my life of late. I mean, it’s not all been doom and gloom, caught up with an old friend after years apart and that was wonderful, we got on as if we had never gone a day without seeing each other and it only served as a warm reminder why we became so close in the first place. However, with no job and no longer being at Oxfam, when I returned for a Christmas gathering, I had to answer the question of “So what do you do now?” with “Oh, nothing”, because I’m not in work and not looking for a bit, the job I had sort of buckled my confidence when it came to the review and with Christmas coming, I want to take a break and start the new year with a clearer head, hopefully. Feels awkward though, I’ve not gone to bigger better things, I’ve gone onto moping in the dark and playing video games (On a side note, I have gone from a total noob to a pro at Demon’s Souls in a week, almost completed my first play-through and I am rocking some sweet ass armour) I will get back on the horse but as I’m not too worried in terms of finances, I think I’ve earned some time to try and focus on feeling less shitty before getting back into the world of work.
I’m thankful for the people who care about me, checking up on me and showing genuine concern for me when my mood drops. I’m still going to see about counselling and maybe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants from a doctor as there is stuff that is beyond what a friend can deal with and some issues are so deeply seated in the pains of my heart that I just don’t feel I can talk to some people about them. I’m always on and off with this, I listen to a lot of what my friends go through but some of them won’t do the same for me or won’t read up on my blog, which is the best and easiest way of knowing what’s on my mind in detail. I’ve tried to seek the counsel of some friends before and it hasn’t always worked and I’m not expecting it to, they don’t know what to say, some just genuinely can’t stand to hear it and many are far more concerned with their larger troubles in life like not having money for food to eat or a history of abuse keeping them awake at night. So I’ll sort myself out and rely on my friends for what they can feasibly do and I hope nobody takes offence to this article, I’m not shitting on your efforts but just stating that there have been times when I’ve discussed an issue with a friend and they’ve actually told me to stop talking because they don’t want to deal with it. I’ve probably done it to others, maybe karma is making things even.
Still, I’m getting by, money is not as much of a problem, I saved a small sum to tide me over to the new year and I intend to get my act together come January. I’ll let you know how I do with that. I may also look into vlogging, the number of people now saying “If it was a video, I’d watch it, I swear” and so at first I was pissed off taking these people as lazy unappreciative sods who need flashing colours to be amused but if so many people are requesting it and not just because they can’t be arsed to read it but they genuinely want to see me speak and perform, I shall have to oblige and get a YouTube channel. I’ve had offers of help with videos and editing so that should be a fun project to get going. Other than that, the Christmas spirit is surprisingly strong within me, wrapping my gifts for everyone gave me a buzz and I’ve tried my best to be more charitable. So yeah, the world isn’t ending and though times are hard, they could be harder, I’ll get on as I always have done and hope to continue to entertain you all into the new year!