Grinding Gears

Trigger Warnings – None that I could notice

I’m pissed off, this article isn’t going to a beautifully constructed representation of a liberal opinion or perspective with an argument to support it, it’s another exercise in gnashing my teeth together in frustration with the world. I’ve managed to keep posting every day and I insist on continuing to do so, whatever the mood, but when I’m annoyed or tired then my ability to reason is impaired and my head clouds up, as well as boils over. I apologise if this seems self-indulgent, just ranting over the internet, I am currently without a therapist and though my friends help, they can’t do it all

I’ve said it before and will say so again, my immediate family in my household have no interest in my blog or in fact in me, outside of a cash machine and a chef. I bought myself Samurai Warriors 4 recently and my brother Jonah has spent triple the amount of time playing it as I have and that peeves me for some reason, to see someone doing better than me at my game so to speak. I mean, imagine buying yourself a chess set and letting your friend borrow it only to find you never seem to get to play chess because your friend just won’t stop playing it, why didn’t they just get their own chess set? Oh right of course, it cost £40. £40 of my hard-earned cash and I’ve played £4 worth of it. Stupid thing to rant about I know but yeah

So today I’m annoyed because I came home exhausted from a lot of work, my brothers have seen how hard I’ve been working and whilst I did try to get one of them to consider volunteering, he’s had his chances, he won’t bother and I know it so fuck it. I got excited at the thought of teaching him the ropes, having someone I know well and can communicate efficiently with but yeah, that’d place him in my realm as it were. Anyway, I get home, I think “It’ll be quiet, I can get an hour’s gaming in, make dinner, eat, blog, message my friends for a bit then bed”. Did that happen? Nope, I don’t own the console, it’s in my brothers’ shared room so when I walk in they’re there watching MLP. Yes, they’re both adults, yes they both MLP, yes you’re entitled to like whatever you like but I still hate MLP with a passion for being an obnoxious poison that gets involved with everything. Doctor Whooves, Ponified Supernatural, Sherlock Hooves, whatever – nothing is sacred to a brony except flippin’ Pinky Puff or Applecrack or whatever they’re called, I don’t know.

Erhem, so yeah, I left, I just went and made dinner, it was lack lustre and now I’m in my bed, blogging and full of resentment. My time for me is being spent in a cell of a bedroom just brewing in my own bitter juices and staring at Facebook. I suffer that same condition that blights my generation, always returning and refreshing but never anything interesting is there? People barely respond to me, good friends of mine are always out of reach and my social life revolves around the same three faces, which isn’t a bad thing but I think of friends I have outside of those three and kinda feel grumpy that they never want anything to do with me outside of Facebook. I’ve tried my best to keep in touch with some people to the point of just clogging up their inboxes with months of backed up “Hey, what’s up?” style messages for them to continue ignoring.

I think my depression is taking hold again, yes I’m self-diagnosing but if you met my past three doctors, you’d know why. Three times I went to see about a diagnosis, I did a questionnaire and got 24/30 on the risk survey and their genius solution between all three of them? Worry less. Worry. Less. Two smegging words was all I got, tell a lie, they did recommend I go on holiday. Well fuck me, if I had the money to just galavant off to Gibraltar every time I got glum, I’d never work a day in my life. So yeah, I’m pretty sure my depression is settling in, I feel isolated more than anything, like I’m an outsider to the entire world because I just don’t connect with people, I just find myself tolerating them until the sun sets, at which point the mask cracks and they notice I’m actually seething with quiet rage. I do connect with a choice few and enjoy good chemistry with some but it doesn’t combat those feelings of loneliness and I can’t exactly come home to any of them and have them dispel all my anger with a stroke of my cheek

Maybe ultimately it comes down to that, loneliness. I want to feel wanted and want to want someone in turn, there has been someone on my mind but that’s dead in the dust and I’ll thank you not to pry. Short version is, reality laughed at me and told me to give up on that lost cause or else I’ll never be happy. I can and will in time but it’s left me cold I think, combined with a heavy workload, dull social life and a household of headaches, I’m just a mess right now and I don’t know what to do with myself

Sorry again, normal service will resume as soon as I can fix my mask

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