Trigger Warnings – Sexual content and mature discussions
No the title isn’t a typo, I didn’t mean to call this article “A Sexual Matter”, it is indeed “Asexual Matter” because this week, as you may or may not know, it is Asexual Awareness week. I sound smart, I didn’t know either but Laci Green made a post about it so I figured what the hey? I know a few people of the asexual orientation and seeing as I’m stuck for ideas, I might as well use this hot topic seeing as it was sorta served into my lap. I will hope to clarify some of the myths and confusion surrounding asexuality, hopefully educating those who have no idea what I’m going on about, or those who think I have friends that are in fact plants
So asexuality is not asexual reproduction, it is not a case of these people humping themselves to get themselves pregnant and pop out clones, that’s just ludicrous and just as a heads up, if someone comes out as asexual, don’t ask “So you’re sexually attracted to yourself?”. Asexual, on its broadest terms, means someone who does not experience sexual attraction and doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t experience romantic attraction because love and lust are two different things and the pinnacle of love is not mashing your genitalia together like demented bunnies. An asexual person can still feel arousal and may even feel the urge to masturbate, but as a general rule they see a woman and see a woman, or see a guy and just see a guy, less of this “I’d tap that” attitude that is so common amongst those of us with sexual attraction
Asexuals are not asexual because of a choice or a bad relationship, much in the same way a lesbian isn’t a lesbian because she thinks there’s no man right for her, sexual orientation simply is, there’s no “cause” for it because otherwise you’d have to ask straight people what “made” them straight. Celibacy is a choice and don’t confuse asexuality for celibacy. An asexual person may just not feel attraction to men or women or any other gender identity much in the same way a gay man may not feel attraction to women or so forth
Ok, so far so good? Right, this might confuse you but stick with me ok? Now, I shall assume you all know sexuality is a spectrum, it’s not as simple as “He’s a gay man, he likes dick, done”. A gay man can, for example, find himself attracted to a woman for whatever reason and still consider himself gay, the labels of sexuality are just there to help people find their own identity and you’re free to take whichever label suits you, they merely exist for convenience, not categorisation. Ok, so on that same token an asexual person can feel sexual attraction, this may or may not be linked with a desire for sex, these people often take the name “Grey asexuals” as they’re in a grey area of the spectrum, not quite sexually driven but not completely chaste. Respect that, much in the same way you’d want someone to respect your attractions – you don’t pick and choose who you find attractive, you just do, you can’t decide “Ok, I want to find this woman attractive and I want to stop picturing this guy naked. Done. That’s my sex life sorted!”
Now I can understand that for those who love to have sex or sexual thoughts or are in sexual relationships, the idea of someone who doesn’t want sex is weird at first but it’s not that weird when you consider it. I think some people confuse sexual attraction and personal attraction at times, especially as we were taught relationships were the gateway to marriage then sex then kids then family then happiness and voila but a relationship is more than that. I’ve been single for a little while now and what I miss most about relationships isn’t having someone play with my junk, it’s having someone to hold in my arms and smile at, it’s having to pay for someone else’s dinner, it’s having someone I can lounge beside and not be so self-conscious when they’re around and when you hold back on the sexual element of a relationship, it can seem a much sweeter thing. Asexuality often means that these people don’t have the desire to make sex a part of their relationship but they can still desire a relationship, just more for the cuddling and pet-names than having someone to call on to do the horizontal shuffle.
Sexuality is a topic we need to destroy the taboo surrounding, our parents and grandparents put up this “Oh no no no! Bad topic! Bad topic!” shame/fear around the subject but it’s a part of all our lives, whether we want it to be or not, we live in a society of sex – popstars, celebrities, internet porn, strip clubs – sex is there, we all know what it is, let’s make it something we can have a mature discussion about. Asexuality is just as valid an orientation as hetero, homo, bi, pan or any other sexuality and if you have any further questions, ask. If you ask politely, people are often happy to teach you, they want people to know
I hope this article helped to bust some myths and teach some truths. For further reading, try http://www.asexuality.org to learn more about asexuality or comment down below any questions/queries you might have and I’ll respond to the best of my knowledge