Rant and Rave

Trigger Warnings – Nothing really, unless you are uber sensitive about pandas and/or pugs

Greetings internet, I’m aware I’ve been hitting you with some heavy topics lately, what with talk of politics and disease, I’m certainly long since past making snide comments about Justin Bieber’s trousers or the faces people pull in photos and I think I’ve hammered that point in with a big serious looking hammer inscribed with the words “Topical issues” on the handle. I apologise for the head trauma but suck it up, I am going to keep it up. However, I realise my blog might be a bit upsetting if all you ever see on here is rants at how society mistreats schizophrenics or that if we don’t raise our voices, nobody hears us so I wanted to break up the mood with a rave, an article highlighting my joy about something

Well, I said I wanted to, I didn’t say I have anything. I’ve got an idea closer to Halloween, I’ll try to write a review of my favourite horror film ever – it’s not actually that scary, more funny than anything else and precious few of you will know the answer (If you do know, don’t spoil it, please) but for now I’ve got nothing. I follow the news, it’s all there to make you feel bleak and helpless in a world ruled through fear and deceit, go figure. Let me think of something amusing to try and make your day…

Erm… I saw a photo of a pug that said “I eat crayons and poop rainbows”, I chortled at that. A while back I read an article about a panda that faked pregnancy to get extra food, that panda would be me if I was a female panda

If I was a female panda… what the hell is wrong with you Jake? Maybe you should stick to that topical hammer thing because at the moment you’re just being weird. I dunno. The only amusing stuff I have, incidentally, seems to be about animals making mischief which makes me wonder why, when they bring so much joy to the world, do we continue to destroy their habitats and this once lush green planet and

I was ranting again wasn’t I? Excuse me, thinking of nice stuff now. Sorry, I’m not so great at the cheerful posts, being a cynical single man of questionable health with a crippling inability to make meaningful connections with other human beings and this terrible habit of complaining but again, go figure. I realise this article reads more like the thoughts of a madman rambling to an empty room than an actual thought-out piece of writing but perhaps this funny little oddity is all that is needed to break up the tension in the atmosphere of this blog. I have ideas for rants, just not raves. Well not true, I could rave about things I like but so very few people share my interests that I’d be writing the article purely for the sake of writing something and whilst that seems sort of amusing, I feel a bit lousy when I write an article that generates no public interest whatsoever, it makes me feel like I wasted my time putting those thoughts out there to the public. I mean, even the pushy preacher in the street evokes a reaction, even if it’s just “Self-righteous tosser” (Funnily enough that was my nickname back in college) but imagine going out into the street stark naked and screaming and then nobody even blinking, you’d feel pretty damn foolish and would probably go put your clothes on. Actually, put your clothes back on now please, what are you doing naked and out in the middle of the road? It’s cold. No, being drunk is not an excuse, why are you drunk on my blog? I think you’ve had enough mate… or I have, look at me, this doesn’t even make sense – I was talking about pug poop a moment ago, now I’m telling you off for being shit-faced and naked on the internet

I would love it if someone found this remotely amusing. I would question their sanity but still. Have fun internet, I’ll try to think up some more positive things to talk about in the future but I must remind you that I’ll also keep up with this harsh critique of serious matters because I have a voice, I’m reasonably intelligent, I’m growing in popularity on here and well, I don’t want my legacy of writing to be “that geek who called swagsters twats”. For the record, in my childish dreams I’m remembered for a hit fantasy comedy series, a gripping adventure novel series that defies the conventions of genre and a one-off story about a dystopian future that would make my audiences laugh then cry then stare at themselves in the mirror in sheer horror. Wish me luck with that one, I can’t even put pen to paper… finger to key… whatever

Erhem, end of article… Bye

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