Rantimation (Working Title)

Hey, what’s happening dudes? For the record, that’s a reference to Red Dwarf again, not an outbreak of Surferitis. Well, I finally did it, I finally got my hands on some decent animation software – namely Macromedia Flash 8 Professional! I learnt how to use Macromedia 6 or 7 a while back in school and the skills are transferrable, as you’d expect, so I’m currently getting familiar with how to use the software once again so as to bring you your dose of rant in cartoon form. Yes that’s right, animated rants are going to be a thing at last. You see I noticed a lot of people just can’t be arsed to read my stuff anymore, I had assumed that my work was the writing and the publicity but it seems some people, some that I even call friends, are so bone idle that the effort of clicking a button and reading is too strenuous and thus I decided enough is enough, people clearly want me to do more work for them.

I plan to make video rants in future and probably migrate to YouTube for a bigger audience and unlimited uploads (WordPress does give you a certain amount of free space and then it asks for money). The written articles will be presented here for those that prefer to read, can’t understand my accent or can’t get YouTube to load so fear not, I’m not abandoning you fellow WordPressers… Pressees? What’s a WordPress user called, other than blogger? Never mind. The animation won’t be anything terrific, don’t expect some sort of Ricepirate or Harry Partridge level artistic quality, it’ll be a notch above ZP but still a few steps short of Cyanide and Happiness. I’m going to assume you know all of those channels, if not, you should. Like seriously, people need to take up my recommended reads/views, it’s usually something pretty damn funny or good for the mind. Anyway, so yeah, that’s that. The animation is going to be rather basic because I really cannot be arsed to learn to make works of artistic masterpiece when really it’s what I’m saying that matters, not the cartoon. The cartoon is so your eyes don’t get bored, because I know what some of you are like in this modern age of attention spans so short goldfish with ADHD tell you to calm the fuck down.

Now I plan to trawl through my site stats and see what rants would be particularly good made into cartoons for your amusement and it’ll probably be the ones containing the best imagery, highest popularity ratings and are still relevant to this day (After all some rants may have become a little dated, especially the ones based on the news of the time). I might do more upon serious demand and I hope that in future each rant will be animated. For obvious reasons then you can expect the frequency of my posts to decrease because the whole drawing and animating thing takes for fucking ages to get anywhere. At the moment, I’ve mostly been dicking around with a puppet form of myself by drawing various silly faces onto the blank canvas of my ball shaped head only to then make puppet Jake dance or jog or skip. Given time, I’m sure I’ll relearn everything I need to get something actually done and I hope to something to show for my efforts before the end of February.

I have also decided I need to work on projecting my voice a little more clearly because those who have physically met me will tell you I have a voice that sounds like someone threw marbles into a cement mixer and then called it music. I don’t so much speak as grumble and sadly it’s something everyone in my household does yet we all complain to each other about nobody speaking English properly. I do of course have good clear diction and I’ve even performed so perhaps it won’t be too much of a stretch to put on a presentational voice but it may take me a while and some friends of mine will likely be badgered with snippets of me speaking as I ask them if I appear to be talking in something other than the low groan of a slowly dying buffalo. I’m one of those people who hates listening to their own voice on tape because to me, my voice sounds quite sexy and broody, but when I hear it played back to me on a video it sounds like someone did a half-arsed job of asphyxiating Daniel Radcliffe.

Who knows where the animation will take me, hopefully to greater levels of recognition. In the far future, if ever I catch on, maybe I’ll invest in a graphics tablet and hand draw my animations (Because when drawing by hand, I can actually draw pretty well – I’ll have to get you some proof at some point) but I didn’t want to fork out upward of ¬£50 on a project I might lose heart for in a few weeks. I do it a lot, I have spontaneous bursts of inspiration to do shit followed by hitting a brick wall and going “Oh fuck it all, it was a stupid idea… I’ll do something else like… uh… invent a new card game! Boom! Yeah! Fuck you Yu-Gi-… Oh, oh crap… no… never mind”. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. I’d like to think if ever I caught on I could get guest animators in and maybe one day achieve a status as being on par with Yahtzee and Charlie Brooker. Ambition drives us all folks, let a man dream. Anyway, thought you all deserved an update and hopefully before long, you’ll be watching my rants instead of reading them!


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