Divine Retribution, Flip-Flops and Children

Hello. No doubt you’ve noticed increasingly large gaps between rants and for that I apologise, I’ve been rather ill of late – struggling with a nasty cough and starting to think it’s a chest infection of the “Fuck your lungs” variety, must see a GP about that. Anyway, I tell you what’s a bigger fuck you at the moment, the things I’d like to say to the moronic UKIP Councillor David Silvester, as well as Vladimir Putin and the ruling bodies of the state of Oklahoma and all for the same reason – their utterly ridiculous views on homosexuality and gay rights. As a relative and friend of many people of many sexualities (Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Pan/Asexual/Demisexual), I believe that it is one of those things nobody should have a say in except you. I’m pretty open-minded, despite what some of you might think, and to me it’s a case of you do what you do, I’ll do what I do. I don’t care if you like boys, girls, both, neither or pineapples, I’m not within my rights to tell you not to bonk what you want to bonk (Well, except in certain cases, all has to be consensual!). However, there are still some of us too afraid of change or too bleeding ignorant to let bygones be bygones and gays be gays or whatever, instead insisting on their speeches of hate. I could go on forever about this hot topic but for today, let me vent my frustration at some of the latest prime idiots.

I’ll start with UKIP Councillor David Silvester, the mouthpiece of the heavens apparently. America has been struggling with a polar vortex, which granted sounds a lot like an energy drink but is in fact enough snow to make even penguins pack their bags. British weather, meanwhile, is doing what it does best, raining. A lot. We are talking God pissing down on our heads level of rain which coincidentally is the belief held by David Silvester who says that the freak weather patterns are a result of allowing gay marriage in the UK. I don’t know about you but other than sounding completely bat-shit crazy, it’s a weird way for God to tell us what’s on his mind. I never understood this argument really, blaming natural disasters on society angering God by doing something ‘unholy’ – surely God’s infinite wisdom would allow him to make his point more obvious. If God opposed gay marriage specifically, you’d be reading articles like “17 recently married gay couples all struck down by lightning!”, not “Floods? God must hate dykes!” – Get it? Get it? Ayyyyy? I know, you hate me. The freak weather isn’t because of homosexuals and the like, you can lay the blame on planes and factories for the gases they pump into the air because if God designed the planet, I don’t think he designed it with giant flying heaps of steaming metal in mind. The UKIP party says they don’t stand by David on this one but let’s not forget this is the party that had Colonel Mustard as the second-in-command thinking it was acceptable to beat a TV reporter over the head with a clipboard and call someone a messy little slut in an interview. The party has been known for being racist and ignorant, blaming the gay people for bad weather sounds like their tribal shaman level of awareness. Maybe one day the UKIP will become a party that we can take more seriously than Lex Luthor and company planning their evil conquest of our tacky little island home of Britain but for now, whilst still reeling from their image issues, David blabbed this little pearl and now I feel we can all agree the UKIP are pretty much buried under so much shit, falling face first down into a sewer seems favourable to being on their side.

Rolling right along to the next deal, you’ve probably heard that Oklahoma has been sadly flip-flopping around on the gay marriage affair in the same fashion as Utah. Utah legalised gay marriage for a fortnight, allowed 1300 marriages of this nature and then changed their mind and banned it again, as if traumatised by a series of loud and proud parades of pink feather boas and men in glaringly white tuxedos flinging themselves at each other. Cor blimey, we legalised gay marriage? I thought you said hay carriages! Anywho, Oklahoma is now receding backwards into the conservative spectrum, with the ruling bodies saying that marriage is between a man and a woman and not “…the recently conceived notion that marriage is little more than special government recognition for close relationships”. Thankfully, a federal judge stepped in to call this unconstitutional and the case is being looked over but because this is the government arguing with over governmental figures, it’ll all be papers and meetings and wasted time and backhanded deals before we hear any results. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear we were stealthily invaded by the Vogons a while ago and they just merged with our society in secret.  I hope that the motion carries to lift the ban and we see Oklahoma shake off the shackles of “old time values”, something we cling to far too dearly. Society has to evolve, it’s a learning process because don’t forget that once upon a time we lived in a world in which women couldn’t vote and children were beaten, these values were once acceptable to an older generation but now we know better and hopefully in time we’ll all realise that letting people love who they want will not cause an apocalypse… well, unless they love someone in charge of a nuclear missile base and they end up doing the nasty on the control panel…

Lastly, I must speak out against Putintron, the autonomous droid created in a top secret underwater laboratory to slowly conquer humanity. Originally, we all loved this bear-wrestling Bond villain lookalike but now we’ve realised that he’s not all that, his Terminator like strength being paired with antiquated values and a “Fuck you, and your mother, and her mother, both of whom I fucked last night” attitude. We all know Russian authority is about as friendly to the gay community as Hitler was to the Jewish community, arresting you for mere association with gay people or mentioning them to children. Apparently Putin, now allowing gays at the Olympics, demands they steer clear of children or open expression of their sexual orientation. Putin thinks that teaching children love between two people of the same gender is a gateway to love between a man and a child, a man and a dog and so on. Again, this is poor logic, people say things like “If we recognise being gay as love, why not beastality?” – Um, one of those is inherently fucking weird? Gay romance, bisexual love, polygamy and so on is all consensual and between two sincere people, just like heterosexual love, it’s not a gateway to sexual deviation. I mean that’s like saying “If we allow children to play violent video games then we should make them fight to the death in cages” level of escalation, it’s so stupid it hurts. To be honest, the labels of “gay”, “straight”, “bi” and so on shouldn’t stand as boundaries on who we are and our rights, they should be for us to tell to people a little more of who we are so we don’t get those horribly awkward “Oh, you’re gay/not gay? I’m sorry” scenarios. Love is love folks and believe it or not, if it is a mutually agreed upon relationship between two or more people of sound mind, let them be. The difference between being gay and boning sheep is the sheep can’t say no, that’s the bit that makes you fucked up, not the fact your penis isn’t for the sole purpose of pumping baby gravy into lady caves.

I can’t even properly construe my level of frustration at these ludicrous notions – God hates gays? Prove it, give me definitive proof of Gabriel coming to Earth and telling us to stop it. If God exists, this is a trivial matter to him, he’s a cosmic being of infinite power, what’s it to him if we sleep with men, women or ducks? If God is raining down a divine wrath upon us for what we do as people, I think he’s got bigger things to be pissed off at us for than marriage don’t you? Like the generally lousy way we treat each other, massive class divides, the struggles of the third world, war? If I were him, my first agenda would be
“Ok all of you stop shooting each and blowing each other up, seriously. Don’t be dicks”
I find “Don’t be a dick” is a good policy, maybe one the higher ups should adopt. Quickly.

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