Yet Another Milestone!

Greetings one and all, Old Man Wolfe here to tell you that I’ve finally hit the 5000 view mark. Not bad hey? I’d never have guessed it when I started this back in 2012, I didn’t expect my rants to catch on but they became so popular on Facebook I started my own blog and here I am now with a blog on a steady popularity climb thanks to my latest posts sparking discussions here, there and everywhere. I’ve ranted on a vast spectrum of subjects from the inane to the important, from duck lips and falling trousers all the way up to serious political commentary and speeches on women’s rights. I am now looking to move on towards a new medium, a visual medium with my rants becoming cartoon episodes for your enjoyment on YouTube, with the written counterparts being made available here. With all this in mind, I want to take this opportunity to keep you updated on what to expect from Jacob Wolfe and to thank a few people who got me this far.

So like I said, the next big step for Old Man Wolfe is the migration to YouTube with animated rants to become available on a regular basis, possibly fortnightly or weekly, depends how long it will take. I am doing this because of the possibility of a wider audience on a more universal website and because sadly, I’ve noticed some people just can’t be arsed to read any more. I’d send them the link, wait five minutes to then get vague responses like “Yeah, I liked it” or “That’s good”. I check my site stats, no new views, I know they’re lying to me. You ask them for more detailed thoughts and they panic, nothing to say because they don’t know what I wrote. I’m annoyed at those people but hey, I get it, it’s 2014, most people don’t read anymore.

You’ve perhaps noticed that TDWC has stopped on here, with due reason. The mini episodes I uploaded on here were too short and lacked the depth of plot and character I knew I was capable of and as such, TDWC is back in the workshop to be rejigged as a script, which I may try to get made into a television show in the far future. I mean, I know it’s not Shakespeare, probably not even Moffat, but you need only look at shows like The Midnight Beast and My Mad Fat Diary to know that somewhere out there they need something new. My ultimate ambition for TDWC is for it to one day be a major fandom – I want to see at least one person cosplay as Lee in my life, that’s true recognition for any writer nowadays. Back when I was little, true recognition for a character was when they had their own action figure but now its based on how many people would dress up as them and how many slashfics they star in (Though Lee is 20, Katakura 44 so uh… kinda creepy, unless you’ve ever dreamt of watching Philip Glenister bone Tom Hiddleston. Not that I’d cast those two, they were just the closest lookalikes that came to mind). I don’t want to give too much away about the new TDWC just yet but I can reveal there will be a new female lead to break up the testosterone filled atmosphere a bit, greater depth to the personalities, Vito will be moving forward to a more major role and the entire series will combine nitty-gritty action and drama with a flare of silliness that pays homage to the trench-coat heroes of lore from the likes of Doctor Who and Firefly.

I have other writing ambitions – namely two novels that I want to publish once I can work out the kinks in them. The first is a fantasy adventure that seeks to challenge the conventions of the genre by rebooting a lot of established fantasy species like elves, goblins and such whilst also sending out a special message that will become clear when it is on the shelves. If ever it caught on, I’d desperately seek to avoid it becoming a film, films never live up to books – perhaps a television series or who knows, it’s all just daydreams at the moment. My other novel is a dark short story about the future, a world submersed under water from global warming and ruined by pollution with the rich escaping to Utopia and the passageway for the poor into paradise is to humiliate themselves for money and fame as dancing monkeys and ultimately seek to exaggerate the flaws of our society as they stand and enrage people into demanding better for themselves because part of the problem is us, we allowed this. You see shit on the news about Bieber doing this and that and he does it because he wants our attention, he wants to be immortalised and by putting his face on the TV, we did just that. The story is influenced by the Black Mirror series, headed by my idol Charlie Brooker and I want to take his message and update it before shouting it to the world. I warn you now, when it is available, it will not be comfortable, it will not have a fairy tale ending and it will make you feel something. I hope to have all these projects done at some point in my life.

Well, 5000 views hey? Been a long journey to get here and now I want to give my thanks to those that helped me along. You know who you are, the list of names is a long one. Alice and Epona in particular have never missed a post and always spurred me on to write the next one so an extra huge thanks to them but also to my other loyal friends and followers who encourage me to keep this up. A shout out to my best friend Hannah as well, who has been a long time fan of every creative work I’ve ever done and pesters me consistently for more, which always makes me feel like what I do is worth it. I’d also like to thank Carleen for helping me revitalise some of my more stale ideas and challenge me to do better, even if it meant tearing stuff up and telling me I could do much better if I actually considered it carefully. I often got snarky and mean but I know it was for my own good to improve as a writer. Other than that I’d like to thank my regular readers, to name but a few my good friends Debbi, Sian, Addison and many many more, you all know who you are. Thank you for taking the time to read this and to keep me going with your valuable comments and by passing my rants on to your friends. You may have noticed I have a lot of female friends, like 80% of them are female, long story but it’s certainly not what you’re thinking so get that idea out of your head you silly child. Erhem, anyway, onwards and upwards for Old Man Wolfe. Thank you and watch this space!

PS – I have an apprentice now, a newbie to the world of rants that you may or may not enjoy following for an extra dose of rant from a fresh perspective. A very good friend of mine, she plans to rant about anything that comes to mind and whilst new to blogging on the whole, her first post is a good read. She’s a lot less profane and more courteous than I am but her wits are no less sharp. Please show her your support!

Here’s the link to her home page – http://hannah693.wordpress.com/

If you feel your blog and my own have a connection, or you’re a friend of mine looking to get some free publicity riding on the back of this juggernaut *cough cough*, do get in touch and I may or may not give you a shout out at the end of a rant (Provided I actually enjoy your work, I’m not advertising anything I don’t personally approve of)

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Rantimation (Working Title)

Hey, what’s happening dudes? For the record, that’s a reference to Red Dwarf again, not an outbreak of Surferitis. Well, I finally did it, I finally got my hands on some decent animation software – namely Macromedia Flash 8 Professional! I learnt how to use Macromedia 6 or 7 a while back in school and the skills are transferrable, as you’d expect, so I’m currently getting familiar with how to use the software once again so as to bring you your dose of rant in cartoon form. Yes that’s right, animated rants are going to be a thing at last. You see I noticed a lot of people just can’t be arsed to read my stuff anymore, I had assumed that my work was the writing and the publicity but it seems some people, some that I even call friends, are so bone idle that the effort of clicking a button and reading is too strenuous and thus I decided enough is enough, people clearly want me to do more work for them.

I plan to make video rants in future and probably migrate to YouTube for a bigger audience and unlimited uploads (WordPress does give you a certain amount of free space and then it asks for money). The written articles will be presented here for those that prefer to read, can’t understand my accent or can’t get YouTube to load so fear not, I’m not abandoning you fellow WordPressers… Pressees? What’s a WordPress user called, other than blogger? Never mind. The animation won’t be anything terrific, don’t expect some sort of Ricepirate or Harry Partridge level artistic quality, it’ll be a notch above ZP but still a few steps short of Cyanide and Happiness. I’m going to assume you know all of those channels, if not, you should. Like seriously, people need to take up my recommended reads/views, it’s usually something pretty damn funny or good for the mind. Anyway, so yeah, that’s that. The animation is going to be rather basic because I really cannot be arsed to learn to make works of artistic masterpiece when really it’s what I’m saying that matters, not the cartoon. The cartoon is so your eyes don’t get bored, because I know what some of you are like in this modern age of attention spans so short goldfish with ADHD tell you to calm the fuck down.

Now I plan to trawl through my site stats and see what rants would be particularly good made into cartoons for your amusement and it’ll probably be the ones containing the best imagery, highest popularity ratings and are still relevant to this day (After all some rants may have become a little dated, especially the ones based on the news of the time). I might do more upon serious demand and I hope that in future each rant will be animated. For obvious reasons then you can expect the frequency of my posts to decrease because the whole drawing and animating thing takes for fucking ages to get anywhere. At the moment, I’ve mostly been dicking around with a puppet form of myself by drawing various silly faces onto the blank canvas of my ball shaped head only to then make puppet Jake dance or jog or skip. Given time, I’m sure I’ll relearn everything I need to get something actually done and I hope to something to show for my efforts before the end of February.

I have also decided I need to work on projecting my voice a little more clearly because those who have physically met me will tell you I have a voice that sounds like someone threw marbles into a cement mixer and then called it music. I don’t so much speak as grumble and sadly it’s something everyone in my household does yet we all complain to each other about nobody speaking English properly. I do of course have good clear diction and I’ve even performed so perhaps it won’t be too much of a stretch to put on a presentational voice but it may take me a while and some friends of mine will likely be badgered with snippets of me speaking as I ask them if I appear to be talking in something other than the low groan of a slowly dying buffalo. I’m one of those people who hates listening to their own voice on tape because to me, my voice sounds quite sexy and broody, but when I hear it played back to me on a video it sounds like someone did a half-arsed job of asphyxiating Daniel Radcliffe.

Who knows where the animation will take me, hopefully to greater levels of recognition. In the far future, if ever I catch on, maybe I’ll invest in a graphics tablet and hand draw my animations (Because when drawing by hand, I can actually draw pretty well – I’ll have to get you some proof at some point) but I didn’t want to fork out upward of £50 on a project I might lose heart for in a few weeks. I do it a lot, I have spontaneous bursts of inspiration to do shit followed by hitting a brick wall and going “Oh fuck it all, it was a stupid idea… I’ll do something else like… uh… invent a new card game! Boom! Yeah! Fuck you Yu-Gi-… Oh, oh crap… no… never mind”. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. I’d like to think if ever I caught on I could get guest animators in and maybe one day achieve a status as being on par with Yahtzee and Charlie Brooker. Ambition drives us all folks, let a man dream. Anyway, thought you all deserved an update and hopefully before long, you’ll be watching my rants instead of reading them!

Sexy and Unashamed

No, the title isn’t a confession to being a secret male stripper – I lack both body oil, and a stripper worthy body. I’m here to get up on a high horse again so that I can point at some of you and say “Shame on you!” but first I must make two warnings so that certain readers know whether or not to read on (Pahaha, if you’ve read this far, that’s something, some people can’t even be bothered to click the link)

– This post is about sex. The immature and young teen reader base should go do something more suited to them, like colouring.

– This post is a “equality for women” rant… Yes I know I’m a man… No, I’m not hiding anything… So what if I look great in heels? Erhem… So yeah, if you’re a pig-headed male, you’re gonna want to turn around too

That said, let’s move on to the matter at hand shall we?

Sex, ladies and gentleman, is something a lot of us partake in and a lot of us do for reasons other than procreation. Science has discovered that pretty much any animal can enjoy sexual intercourse and some animals, namely the dolphin and breeds of primate, have sex simply for recreational purposes when not in season. Apart from the need to survive, we have evolved to enjoy sex so that we keep doing it, in the same way that politicians have evolved to be ignorant of the world around them so they don’t die of guilt. In ancient religions it was believed the pleasure of sex was the gateway to ecstasy and then along came organised religions like Christianity who said that sort of behaviour was shameful, that sex should be between married partners and shouldn’t be a fun experience but a way of making babies and that’s it. Now, judging by the fact I’ve never bedded a woman and seen her whispering to herself “Think of England…”, I feel safe in saying my generation is a bit more open sexually. No more marriage first, no more picturing cliffs and fields during the act and people aren’t afraid to admit to their kinks to partners. Obviously, I’m generalising here, this applies mostly to the Western world and even then I’ve met girls who won’t put out without a ring on the finger. Curses. On the whole though, I think we can agree in the Western world at least more people are having sex for pleasure, to either bond with their loved one, to enjoy a physical element to a friendship or simply because they like the buzz. However, this still leaves a few loose ends.

The society we live in is one that is sort of struggling in a feud between old fashioned values and liberal thinking. I take the side with the liberals, I think the system is much more fair.
“No abortions?”
“Why?”
“You’re killing an unborn baby, it’s wrong, you have to keep that little ball of cells until it becomes a baby and then raise it as punishment for your boyfriend not wearing a condom!”
“Well it’s not your body, your baby and who said he was my boyfriend?”
Some of these standards act as laws in some places and they limit the rights of certain demographics (Though, shocker, never the rights of a heterosexual white male) but some of these standards are just implied, the values of the ordinary human being programmed into them by being raised on Christian values and so even the not particularly religious amongst us can maintain these ideals and that brings me onto my topic for discussion today – sluts.

The word “slut” is thrown around quite casually these days and seems to be an umbrella term for “A woman who is unashamed of having sexual feelings and acts on them like she would any other emotion but for some reason we have to hate her for doing that”. Firstly, there is this double standard – a lot of sex for a woman is bad, a lot of sex for a man is proof he deserves to be called a man. I mean I know there is the whole thing with the “loosening” that I won’t go into and a man doesn’t exactly experience something like that the more often he has sex but really it doesn’t make sense any more. Some men value chastity in a partner, sure, but in a modern society chastity isn’t the number one thing any more. Men often just feel inadequate when they meet a woman who has had others before her because she has a yardstick to measure him by, whereas virgins don’t, and there’s the Christian values we have coded into us that tell us for some reason an untouched vagina is a sacred artifact but a vagina that has had a penis in it before has suddenly gone from cathedral to caff, as if men think of vaginas like used cars. Three previous owners? Heck no, it’ll be full of pubic hair and Doritos and nasty stuff. I don’t understand why we still feel we have to make people feel ashamed of being openly sexual, I like to think someone is shouting “You whore!” out their bedroom window and then turns around to look at their partner who is chained and gagged then grins to themselves oblivious to their double standard. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business who sleeps with who (provided it’s consensual, I shouldn’t have to say that bit but I know some thick cunt will chime in saying I’m condoning paedophilia) so I want to take a moment to tear up some misconceptions about sluts and the term itself.

1. Sluts don’t care – I’ve met a few women in my time who admit to being promiscuous and having the odd night where the bloke in their bed is “That guy from last night”, as opposed to “Jeff, my boyfriend of six months!” and I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell they did what they did if they didn’t tell me, because they’re such lovely and considerate people. I mean, they’re just sexually active women, not vampires. Plus, they can commit and when they do, they’re loyal… their partner may feel a bit like a juiced grape however. I kid I kid.

2. Sluts dress provocatively to entice men into it – Why do people assume people dress for others? I don’t wake up in a morning and say “I’ll wear my red jumper because my Dad likes it”, I dress in clothes because I don’t want my tackle getting chilly. The same applies to women, they don’t dress to invite men into their bed without bothering with a conversation, they dress in what they like to wear. If you see a woman dressed provocatively, it’s not her saying “I want every single penis in a ten foot radius erect and ready for inspection”, she is just enjoying her own body and the clothes empower her. I’m sure every person has one outfit they put on, look at in the mirror and then think “This is fucking sexy! I love wearing it!”. Yeah, same for everyone, be it a suit or a corset.

3. Slut means a woman who takes pictures of herself naked for other people – Well that’s Chatroulette officially declared the home of the man slut then, and Snapchat for that matter. Gah, enough penis in those places to make a gay man’s eyes water. That aside, who else would you take naked pictures for, assuming you did? I’d struggle to get excited over seeing myself naked. The pictures aren’t handed out like coupons though anyway, they are for those they trust and even if they do give them out a lot, so what? Why is it so shameful to tell someone “Hey, don’t forget – I have a body under these clothes and I quite like how it looks, want to see?”. I mean, assuming they do want to see, so what? And if not, delete the picture. Provided it’s all above water, we’re only ashamed of being naked because we either worry about being judged or because we were told our naked body is something to be ashamed of. It isn’t, it just isn’t – though for the record, do keep your clothes on around people who aren’t asking to see them off…

4. Slut means a woman with too many partners – I’m sorry, there’s a set quota? What’s the magic number for a woman? Three dicks and boo, you whore? Does it apply to men too? Am I past my quota, am I a man slut now? Well what about relationships, how many of those are you allowed, call it five strikes and if not married by then die alone? I bet that last bit sounded stupid but so does too many partners. Sleep with as many people as you like, might as well. Why is sex something we feel the need to limit how often we’re allowed it in a lifetime yet nothing else? People who say this sort of thing are usually just jealous – jealous they can’t have sex so frequently or jealous of the previous partners for getting in there first. Get over it, people have sex. Big whoop.

5. Slut means a woman who cheats on her partner – No, that’s a cheat. If you have a partner and you betray their trust by sleeping around behind their back, that’s not being promiscuous, that’s being deceptive. The hurtful bit is the betrayal, not the sex. You don’t hear the man cry “I’m the only penis that should be inserted into you”, what hurts him is that he was betrayed by someone he loved, they did something that he considered exclusive to the relationship with someone else. A slut doesn’t mean a cheat, a cheat is a cheat

6. Sluts are easy – Well perhaps some are more interested in the sex than the chatter and the flirting but that’s vested interest, however the point stands that the sex is on their terms. Much in the same way you don’t suddenly find yourself playing football just because you’re stood in the garden, or painting walls because you’re stood in an empty room, women don’t just suddenly find they’ve sprung onto a dick and started bouncing on it without noticing. A slut is capable of turning down a guy and when she goes for someone, it’s on her terms.

Well, this rant was a long one (snigger), quite a heavy load for you (smirk) but it was a long time coming (giggle). I wanted to get this out there and have my say on the matter because I think it’s a silly thing to berate people for. Oh you have sex too often! Oh I’m sorry what, I enjoy vigorous physical exercise with attractive people to release a natural pleasure drug TOO OFTEN? That’s a thing? Well damn, excuse me for having fun. If you’ve read this far, you’re terrific and I hope this clears things up for some of you. Don’t shame the sluts, they’re just people not ashamed to be what they are – sexy

Fan Rant – I Must Inquire About The Inquisitor

Hello everyone, Jacob Wolfe reporting in once again and today it’s a silly rant about an old comedy called Red Dwarf. For those of you who don’t know what Red Dwarf is, watch it, seriously. The premise is simple – Dave Lister is a Brummy washout who joins an expedition to space but is then put into stasis for smuggling an non-quarantined cat on board. Whilst Lister is frozen there is a radiation leak on the ship that kills the crew, except Dave and this cat. Three million years later, the only crew aboard the space vessel Red Dwarf are Dave Lister, a creature evolved from his cat over generations of inbreeding and radiation, a hologramatic reincarnation of Lister’s bunk mate called Rimmer and a neurotic android the crew find in the wreckage of another ship called Kryten. The show is a low-budget sci-fi comedy that combines wit, sarcasm and hyperbole into something loveably tacky but entirely unique and I heartily recommend it to anyone looking for a laugh.

Red Dwarf is undoubtedly one of my favourite things to watch ever, it is hilarious and brilliant but like anything that I watch, I have to pause at points and think about some of the fundamental flaws in the logic of these programmes. Episode 26 is an episode about an interdimensional robotic rogue called The Inquisitor, a machine gone mad that travels time and space judging people on the worth of their existence and if he comes to the conclusion they are a worthless drain on their species, he erases them from history and replaces them with someone who never had a chance at life, a sperm that didn’t make it. Apart from failing at his job by allowing individuals like Shia Labeouf and Justin Bieber to continue existing, or people like Hitler and Caligula to have existed in the first place, I find fault in his method of judging people – he has them stand trial before their doppelganger and gives them roughly two or three minutes to justify their existence by listing their moments of selflessness, achievement or bravery and how closely they have adhered to a “Seize the day” policy and how they have utilised their potential. A sound idea in theory but terrible in practice, as I shall now explain.

Of the characters in the show, erased from history by The Inquisitor are Dave Lister and Kryten. Dave Lister, faced with his clone, fails to convince himself that his fate as a wandering tramp of the cosmos is the result of bad luck because he knows deep down his short-comings aren’t from a lack of opportunity or aptitude, but the unwillingness to commit to anything. Kryten, though selfless, is erased because a machine cannot be selfless because it is programmed to do so and thus it does not act on good motive but binary command. Rimmer and Cat are spared, by themselves. Rimmer gives his clone a sob story about how he was tormented as a child and had no opportunity to ever break free of a life of abuse and his clone agrees, also feeling that same abuse and neglect within himself. Cat, the physical embodiment of vanity, justifies his existence by his appearance and his clone is smitten and agrees to spare him, because if you love yourself to bits then you can’t erase yourself. In this small case study, a machine that set itself the task of weeding out the scum of the universe wiped an intelligent young man with untapped potential from the universe along with a robot on the path to sentience and left behind a gutless coward and a moron who believes his purpose in life is to be attractive. As you can see, The Inquisitor has already failed twice to choose the right people to survive because his idea of a fair trial is if you personally believe you are worthwhile then you are allowed to stay.

Let’s expand on this further shall we? You only have to convince yourself that you live a worthwhile life that is making the most of what is available to you. If you are unaware of greater potential hidden with you and believe the best you can achieve in life is sleeping in shop doorways, you stay, but if you are working a job at a checkout when you know you’re secretly a master musician reluctant to compose your own hit, you die. Therefore, if you believe the only reason you haven’t gone on to greatness is your own mistake, you erase yourself from the universe because that clone of you will know that whatever you say, deep down you only failed because you didn’t try hard enough or at all. The system is easily exploited then, by people like Cat and Rimmer. Cat, who believes the mere visage of his cuban-heeled figure is a just cause to keep him alive, escaped judgement because he is so vain and arrogant, he sees nothing beyond himself. Cat is not the only individual alive like this, there are lots of people who think they are God’s gift and the moment you sincerely believe that, you justify your own existence no matter what you do, be it treating those with leprosy or happy-slapping nuns with bricks. Rimmer on the other hand, blames everything that went wrong in his life on someone else – his parents, his brothers, his school, his superior officers – anyone bar himself. Though Rimmer does conceal a lot of self-loathing, he firmly believes that the only reason he’s in a dead-end job with no promotion prospects is because everyone is out to get him. So once again, The Inquisitor fails, because if you can tell yourself that you’re only stuck in the place you’re in because of other people, you get off scot free. Hitler did that you know? He blamed his failure to get into Art college on the Jewish teachers, saying that those damned Jews had infiltrated society and turned it against him. By the standards of The Inquisitor, someone smart enough to know they’re procrastinating deserves to die but Hitler gets to live? So who does The Inquisitor actually erase from history, anyone deserving? Hardly.

If you’re stood trial before yourself, your judge knows everything. Every lie you tell yourself but don’t really believe is torn apart and you stand before your own naked fury with little to defend yourself except what contribution you can remember making to the world around you. The Inquisitor would be the scourge of the Internet culture because he would turn up before Tumblr nuts left, right and centre and they’d tell themselves “You know full well you could use this time to actually revise for your exams but instead you’re writing a novella about Sherlock bumming Molly and John! You know you waste your time tweeting about movies and how often you buy coffee, you know you’re a worthless drain on your family and so we can’t be allowed to exist”. Poof. Overnight a lot of fanboys and girls would vanish, unless they’d done some sizeable charity work between conventions. Should you be intelligent enough to know you’re capable of better than you are doing, you terminate your own existence unless you have a lifetime of good deeds previously to defend yourself with. However, if you’re particularly at odds with yourself, say fighting inner demons, then you still risk deleting yourself. I know I have days where I wake up, look in a mirror and ask “What the fuck are you even for? I’d forgive you if you were rich, or famous, or stupid, but you’re not – so what are you doing?”. The Inquisitor’s wrath is limited to eradicating those who are aware of their shortcomings and judge themselves harshly for it, whilst leaving behind those who are not aware of their abilities or sincerely believe they are doing the best they can. A great artist struggling with an overwhelming sense of apathy can be removed from existence in favour of a burger flipper, regardless of the fact the burger flipper is unaware of any potential hidden inside himself. The Inquisitor can only destroy those who cannot convince themselves they are the best they can be given their circumstances.

My argument is probably not perfect and likely has holes that you can poke at but I encourage the discussion because I feel Red Dwarf has opened a can of worms for people to watch wiggle everywhere but that has largely gone unnoticed. I look forward to hearing from you, whether you think you’d survive the Inquisitor’s trial or not. Personally, I’m not sure – I pride myself on being a good honest person who has given his all for those who sought his aid, but I also know that had I made some ruthless decisions and pushed through my inner demons at an earlier stage, I could have had books on the shelves of every household years ago. So what do you think? Thank you for reading and I may well use Red Dwarf again in the near future for more rants on philosophy!

Divine Retribution, Flip-Flops and Children

Hello. No doubt you’ve noticed increasingly large gaps between rants and for that I apologise, I’ve been rather ill of late – struggling with a nasty cough and starting to think it’s a chest infection of the “Fuck your lungs” variety, must see a GP about that. Anyway, I tell you what’s a bigger fuck you at the moment, the things I’d like to say to the moronic UKIP Councillor David Silvester, as well as Vladimir Putin and the ruling bodies of the state of Oklahoma and all for the same reason – their utterly ridiculous views on homosexuality and gay rights. As a relative and friend of many people of many sexualities (Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Pan/Asexual/Demisexual), I believe that it is one of those things nobody should have a say in except you. I’m pretty open-minded, despite what some of you might think, and to me it’s a case of you do what you do, I’ll do what I do. I don’t care if you like boys, girls, both, neither or pineapples, I’m not within my rights to tell you not to bonk what you want to bonk (Well, except in certain cases, all has to be consensual!). However, there are still some of us too afraid of change or too bleeding ignorant to let bygones be bygones and gays be gays or whatever, instead insisting on their speeches of hate. I could go on forever about this hot topic but for today, let me vent my frustration at some of the latest prime idiots.

I’ll start with UKIP Councillor David Silvester, the mouthpiece of the heavens apparently. America has been struggling with a polar vortex, which granted sounds a lot like an energy drink but is in fact enough snow to make even penguins pack their bags. British weather, meanwhile, is doing what it does best, raining. A lot. We are talking God pissing down on our heads level of rain which coincidentally is the belief held by David Silvester who says that the freak weather patterns are a result of allowing gay marriage in the UK. I don’t know about you but other than sounding completely bat-shit crazy, it’s a weird way for God to tell us what’s on his mind. I never understood this argument really, blaming natural disasters on society angering God by doing something ‘unholy’ – surely God’s infinite wisdom would allow him to make his point more obvious. If God opposed gay marriage specifically, you’d be reading articles like “17 recently married gay couples all struck down by lightning!”, not “Floods? God must hate dykes!” – Get it? Get it? Ayyyyy? I know, you hate me. The freak weather isn’t because of homosexuals and the like, you can lay the blame on planes and factories for the gases they pump into the air because if God designed the planet, I don’t think he designed it with giant flying heaps of steaming metal in mind. The UKIP party says they don’t stand by David on this one but let’s not forget this is the party that had Colonel Mustard as the second-in-command thinking it was acceptable to beat a TV reporter over the head with a clipboard and call someone a messy little slut in an interview. The party has been known for being racist and ignorant, blaming the gay people for bad weather sounds like their tribal shaman level of awareness. Maybe one day the UKIP will become a party that we can take more seriously than Lex Luthor and company planning their evil conquest of our tacky little island home of Britain but for now, whilst still reeling from their image issues, David blabbed this little pearl and now I feel we can all agree the UKIP are pretty much buried under so much shit, falling face first down into a sewer seems favourable to being on their side.

Rolling right along to the next deal, you’ve probably heard that Oklahoma has been sadly flip-flopping around on the gay marriage affair in the same fashion as Utah. Utah legalised gay marriage for a fortnight, allowed 1300 marriages of this nature and then changed their mind and banned it again, as if traumatised by a series of loud and proud parades of pink feather boas and men in glaringly white tuxedos flinging themselves at each other. Cor blimey, we legalised gay marriage? I thought you said hay carriages! Anywho, Oklahoma is now receding backwards into the conservative spectrum, with the ruling bodies saying that marriage is between a man and a woman and not “…the recently conceived notion that marriage is little more than special government recognition for close relationships”. Thankfully, a federal judge stepped in to call this unconstitutional and the case is being looked over but because this is the government arguing with over governmental figures, it’ll all be papers and meetings and wasted time and backhanded deals before we hear any results. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear we were stealthily invaded by the Vogons a while ago and they just merged with our society in secret.  I hope that the motion carries to lift the ban and we see Oklahoma shake off the shackles of “old time values”, something we cling to far too dearly. Society has to evolve, it’s a learning process because don’t forget that once upon a time we lived in a world in which women couldn’t vote and children were beaten, these values were once acceptable to an older generation but now we know better and hopefully in time we’ll all realise that letting people love who they want will not cause an apocalypse… well, unless they love someone in charge of a nuclear missile base and they end up doing the nasty on the control panel…

Lastly, I must speak out against Putintron, the autonomous droid created in a top secret underwater laboratory to slowly conquer humanity. Originally, we all loved this bear-wrestling Bond villain lookalike but now we’ve realised that he’s not all that, his Terminator like strength being paired with antiquated values and a “Fuck you, and your mother, and her mother, both of whom I fucked last night” attitude. We all know Russian authority is about as friendly to the gay community as Hitler was to the Jewish community, arresting you for mere association with gay people or mentioning them to children. Apparently Putin, now allowing gays at the Olympics, demands they steer clear of children or open expression of their sexual orientation. Putin thinks that teaching children love between two people of the same gender is a gateway to love between a man and a child, a man and a dog and so on. Again, this is poor logic, people say things like “If we recognise being gay as love, why not beastality?” – Um, one of those is inherently fucking weird? Gay romance, bisexual love, polygamy and so on is all consensual and between two sincere people, just like heterosexual love, it’s not a gateway to sexual deviation. I mean that’s like saying “If we allow children to play violent video games then we should make them fight to the death in cages” level of escalation, it’s so stupid it hurts. To be honest, the labels of “gay”, “straight”, “bi” and so on shouldn’t stand as boundaries on who we are and our rights, they should be for us to tell to people a little more of who we are so we don’t get those horribly awkward “Oh, you’re gay/not gay? I’m sorry” scenarios. Love is love folks and believe it or not, if it is a mutually agreed upon relationship between two or more people of sound mind, let them be. The difference between being gay and boning sheep is the sheep can’t say no, that’s the bit that makes you fucked up, not the fact your penis isn’t for the sole purpose of pumping baby gravy into lady caves.

I can’t even properly construe my level of frustration at these ludicrous notions – God hates gays? Prove it, give me definitive proof of Gabriel coming to Earth and telling us to stop it. If God exists, this is a trivial matter to him, he’s a cosmic being of infinite power, what’s it to him if we sleep with men, women or ducks? If God is raining down a divine wrath upon us for what we do as people, I think he’s got bigger things to be pissed off at us for than marriage don’t you? Like the generally lousy way we treat each other, massive class divides, the struggles of the third world, war? If I were him, my first agenda would be
“Ok all of you stop shooting each and blowing each other up, seriously. Don’t be dicks”
I find “Don’t be a dick” is a good policy, maybe one the higher ups should adopt. Quickly.

Nerd No More

Sorry for the delay on this one folks, I was trying desperately to get this one rant going that in the end I just butchered it entirely and got nothing from it so I’m going to drop that there for now and move on to something completely different. Now then, I’ve never really considered myself as part of any social grouping so to speak – not strong and sexy enough to be a jock, but with just enough basic hygiene and luck with women to avoid being pushed in with the nerds. However, I’m starting to wonder about the latter and just what it means – the word ‘nerd’ is a parody of itself now, a shorthand for enthusiast and loveable uniquity… or so we like to think.

As a child, I of course grew up with the tag of the nerd, the mute child who sat in the corner and drew comics for his own amusement and only ever spoke to give answers to questions that baffled my classmates. Nerd wasn’t a compliment, it meant someone who was the opposite to the desirable social standard of the school structure – unattractive, uncool, unconventional interests. Nerd was a name given to you, not by choice, it branded you as something and it was unshakeable, like geek, dork or freak. Nowadays, however, the word “nerd” is a cool thing to wear as a label with people call themselves a nerdy, myself being guilty of it at times but then I already had the label to start really, since I was six so what’s your excuse? You hear it thrown around a lot – A Doctor Who nerd, A Zelda nerd, A Netflix nerd – it just means enthusiast now ala memology law dictates. You can be a nerd about anything now, from Star Wars to Game of Thrones, and this doesn’t make sense. The term nerd isn’t for a passing interest or even enthusiasm, it’s for obsession to the point of madness. You’re not a nerd for watching Doctor Who, you become a nerd if you can recite all the actors to have ever played the Doctor, even Joanna Lumley, and then go on to state their causes of regeneration and reasons the actors themselves left. A nerd isn’t a fan or a big fan, they’re determined to know all there is to know about the fandom until they feel disconnected from the casual fans and ruin it for them by shouting at them for not knowing enough. Sure, nerds tend to like comic book heroes and collectible Japanese monsters but everyone did as a kid, the nerd just took that like and made it into love.

As well as this, the media has portrayed “nerdy” as the new buzz word for sex appeal. Look at your brainy characters in TV today, your Sheldons and Sherlocks, your Zooey Deschanel playing the endearingly awkward Jess. Nowadays, the TV is telling you that being socially inept makes you sexy and cute and these “nerdy” characters aren’t played by buck-toothed wimps with center parted fringes, they’re attractive people in reality and it glorifies this stereotype that being smart but awkward is stunning. Bullshit, I never had dozens of admirers marvelling at my aloof nature, they all thought I was a pretentious little dweep. The typical nerd isn’t a tall slender well-dressed know-it-all who has an endearing quirk of knocking three times, he’s the kid in the corner who smells funny and can’t kick a ball to save his life. You love your nerds served tall dark and sexy with a handful of behaviours you laugh at on TV but in reality, you’d hate someone who did that. Imagine actually living with Sheldon or Sherlock, not the actors, the characters. Could you live with a man who has a set period of bathroom time and reprimands you for any slight deviation from his schedule, even if you had a good reason? No, I doubt you’d enjoy it. Smart is the new sexy but in all honesty, the smartest members of our population don’t do sexy or by god Stephen Hawking would be drowning in womanly bits.

Of course, the true death of the nerd came about when it became a fashion. Thick black square frame glasses, tweed jackets becoming cool again, ironic t-shirt sales shooting through the roof. Oh what’s that, a Harry Potter shirt? Oh god you’re so awesome, you’re a Hufflepuff too? Mmmm have my babies now! Oh you wear a bow tie? Fucking gorgeous, I must ravage your body until it explodes. Nerdiness is a fashion statement now, you wear your geek slogans on your chest with a fez on your head and comic strip shoes on your feet. As a young child, I had no say in my dress sense, my mother dressed me up identical to my brothers so we were all matching little cherubs for her to trot about proudly. You know, the whole cute little suits and ties, matching sailor shirts and such? Yup, me until age eight at which point Dad took charge and stopped dressing us so my brothers and I just ended up wearing whatever we wanted. Wasn’t cool stuff though, I did not get the jealous glances from the other guys when I showed the ladies Mewtwo was on my chest. I wore shirts that had Pokemon all over them, tucked into my pants and big round glasses and I thought I was dressed to kill, not because I was fashionable but because I had a freaking great Charizard on my tummy, outta my way bitches! Nowadays, the nerd shirt is a commercial item and it sells hot for high prices with websites dedicated to getting shirts with Weeping Angels or Bilbo Baggins on them. If something anti-mainstream like being a nerd becomes a fashion, it dies. You can buy tie dyed shirts now, no need to make them so now you can buy your way into being a pseudo-hippie. You can buy a Hell’s Angels jacket online, no need to earn it through beating a mod into a bloody pulp with a rotted rope. You can deck your wardrobe out with moustache jumpers and fake glasses, no need to have these given to you by your Mum because she couldn’t afford better. If it’s a fashion, it’s dead as a way of being unique.

The nerd is cute now, it sells you this endearing underdog story of hardship and awkwardness but in the end the nice guy wins and the busty blonde sleeps with the asthmatic dork who wears white briefs at age 28. The nerd is a socially inept train-wreck in reality but if you buy into the media hype, the nerd prevails over all with his cuteness. Being a nerd is such a big thing that you can be accused of ‘faking’ it, not being a true nerd. Erhem, excuse me but what? I don’t remember that being a thing, when did people aspire to be like me or the kid who has teeth that can pick up Jazz FM? The nerd group isn’t this all-accepting circle of love and joy, it’s a branding iron for the misfits and we united to survive and to trade Yu-Gi-Oh cards, not because we wanted it for ourselves. I didn’t deny the hot blondes to go hang out with the fat sweaty kids because I love having my Game Boy smell of BO, I was pushed there because the hot blonde didn’t want to be seen dead with a guy who pointed his pencil at doors and make a noise to pretend to unlock them. I don’t hate people for identifying with this label of nerd now, even if they weren’t called one at the age of five by the big kids, but just remember what us nerds really are. We are annoying, out of place and most of us carry an insulin pen or inhaler, we’re not a club to beg to join and even if you did, we probably wouldn’t want you unless you had Arceus ready and waiting to trade with us. That’s what being a nerd is – an obsessive and crazed fan who has no choice but to reside in a virtual world and feel like a king there because in truth, they’re an annoying, smelly and weird little kid nobody picks for sports. That was my childhood, that was what it meant for me, to be a nerd.

Blame The Beneficiaries

I had a rant in the works that was going to be rather interesting but seeing as I can’t string that rant together sufficiently well enough to be pleased with the message it gives out I’m going to instead turn my attention to another matter that is really getting under my skin, a television program that is nothing short of an atrocious attempt to demonize the lower classes. If you’re British and have a television, you are probably aware of the show I am referring to, the delightful TV morsel that is of course Benefit Street.

Benefit Street is a program shown on Channel 4 about the lives of those claiming benefits in a small section of Birmingham where nine out of ten households receive some form of benefits. The program follows the lives of people going about their business, applying for jobs and the like all whilst we are treated to scenes of anti-social behaviour and foul attitudes which we all know is par for the course when you look around these kind of neighbourhoods but the fact of the matter is that this is only a reflection of the government at work, which I’ll explain in detail later. Benefit Street is what you’d expect of what passes for a documentary in this day and age, a shameless montage of the best and worst examples of a certain demographic with some touching human interest stories that are flashed in your face briefly long enough to make you feel something before they shuffle along and drop the violin.

A controversy surrounding this televisual feast is that the people shown in the program were lied to when the TV crews arrived, believing they were taking part in a documentary about how solid community still matters to a broken nation and so many of them agreed to take part, only to be made out as scrounging wastes of oxygen by the media to the point where some participants have been disowned by their families and made to take on new identities to escape the hatred. Channel 4 denies deceiving their participants and says that they fully explained the concept to the participants but even if that were true, I doubt they explained it in simple straightforward English and instead spoke in cleverly ambiguous promises. May I remind you that this is the TV channel that brought us Sex Box, a show in which couples of all kinds, be they gay, straight or disabled, are shoved into a big steel cell and told to have sex (thankfully, this isn’t recorded) before coming out of the cell and discussing what they did and how it felt. Channel 4 likes to think of themselves as “cutting edge, pushing the boundaries of tasteful television” but frankly ever since Charlie Brooker and Derren Brown vanished from their showings, that pushing of boundaries has just meant shameless parades of total shite. I thought Hollyoaks was bad but compared to the other bollocks on that channel of late, Hollyoaks is the only jewel in the Channel 4 crown that isn’t made from a crusty turd.

The program is cut up and edited to show you what the government wants you to see. Oh, she’s applying for a job? Yay, skip the bit in which she gets mocked over the phone by her potential employer (According to an interview with one participant, what started as informal banter became degrading and insulting but that bit was cut out… not that she even knew the phone call was being taped) Oh all these houses next to each other each claim JSA huh? Evil demons, who cares about the fact the houses directly opposite don’t have benefit claimants living in them? Sadly we have to remember that Channel 4 and BBC are the speakerphones of the government and as much as they’d like to call themselves neutral, their purses are filled by politicians who give them slaps on the wrist for saying rude things before handing them a bag of sweets and giving them a pat on the head. America has this same thing with FOX, a channel so right-wing it might as well be a lopsided duck, but it lets some programs like The Simpsons and Futurama get away with the “Republicans are evil” gag because people still sit there and watch, even the left-wingers.  The media is a double-edged sword wielded by a bloated carcass wherever you look because it takes whatever side it fancies and calls itself the champion to be entitled to the rewards, before flipping over again and doing the exact same thing for the reverse side.

I know what some of you are thinking though, that these rats that live off free scraps deserve our hatred right? Benefits aren’t a lifestyle, they’re the absolute bottom line between having a roof over your head, or a sheet of corrugated steel. David Cameron once said £60 a week covers the common man’s bills easily with cash to spare but were that true, why do we not see these money-sponging fiends, as the conservatives amongst us might call them, rocking designer labels and brand new gadgets? I’m pretty sure the hot cars of the street were Corsas and Fiestas, not Enzos and Aventadors? Speaking as a man of the lower class, the only way you get something fancy is either by walking a lot in lieu of paying for petrol or bus fare or by waiting for it to devalue considerably. I mean, I’m playing my PS3 on a CRT TV, that’s right, the big fat black televisions you’d expect from Life on Mars, not Life in 2014. The PS3 isn’t great either, it’s one of the old ones and if I were to sell it, I’m not looking at getting anywhere near the price paid to buy it, the outdated relic it now is. Benefit Street is a stick for the Tories to beat their lessers with, a justification for the benefit cuts announced for 2014 and a foul-smelling message of “This is who you should hate, not us!”. I tell you what though, if someone is stealing the taxpayer’s money, I’d rather find out it was to buy food than to refurbish their second house!

I said I wanted to explain how these “scroungers” are a reflection of the government and for the purposes of this explanation, let’s assume these people are as bad as the show portrays them to be, lewd drunken washouts with no prospects for the future that now suckle from the money tit of the government. We operate on a system that is extremely dictated by class and has people set up to fail before they even start, that is becomingly increasingly expensive to live in but is offering less and less support and has sold out the future generations already by closing schools and youth clubs en masse. You’re broke, your education isn’t worth the paper it is printed on, you can’t afford a hobby and you’ve got no hope of a job and the only people to thank are the people that judged you before you were even that look in Dad’s eye when he had too many lagers in his system. Sponging is all you can do, aside from wade through shit that reaches up to your eyes and hope to find something that offers you a snorkel. You might have lazy demanding self-entitled people but the people of a nation reflect the rulers for the most part, namely our lazy demanding self-entitled government who sit on mountains made of solid gold and diamond, throw us pennies and call us greedy pigs.

As a fan of history let me take you back to a period of history I know very well, ancient China after the fall of the Han Dynasty. The Northern Territories were united under a man called Cao Cao, a charismatic yet harsh man who believed in a system that basically boiled down to “Every man has something he is good at, if he can discover this talent and apply himself to it then he shall be paid fairly according to his efforts and his family will have food”. No benefit system, sure, but Cao Cao never let a single potential worker go to waste and the people under his rule lived in a thriving kingdom, where they all had something they could do to earn their keep and this promoted discipline. Cao Cao was strict yet reasonable and prized hard-work above all else, his people and his subordinates were very much the same. The system isn’t perfect by any means, you could be facing a harsh winter if the bread-winner had an accident or couldn’t grow any crops but the main point is that Cao Cao had never heard of “scroungers” because he gave them reason (and opportunity) to work. Our current system offers no opportunities and is less about giving each man fair reward for effort but instead a flat rate regardless. In this country, if you find you can’t afford to work for less than a certain wage, you find yourself watching Dimitri Fuckyourselfinski coming in from the EU to take the job, working for pennies and taking them home to his country where those pennies are worth diamonds and he’s set for life. I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure even a governmental system as archaic as Cao Cao’s didn’t have the rule “If your people are not happy with your rule, replace them with different people”

Oh, and for the record, even if these people were sponging money, let’s put that into perspective:

Tax Avoided/Evaded/Uncollected in 2013 – £120 Billion (Tax Justice and PCS Estimate)
Tax Avoided/Evaded/Uncollected in 2013 – £30 Billion (HMRC Estimate)
Benefits Unclaimed – £16 Billion (HMRC Estimate)
Benefit Overpayments Made In Error – £1.4 Billion (DWP Estimate)
Benefit Fraud – £1.2 Billion (DWP Estimate)

Cameron buddy, do some math – your big problem is companies evading taxes pal, clamping down on that £2.6 billion is still short of the £117.4 billion more you could be paying attention to and tell you what, if you do that and leave the benefit stuff alone, we as a people might even let you buy yourself a duck house as your reward hey? I mean, don’t get your hopes up but you know, it could happen… if you were competent.