I would like to think the people who read my rants also do their best to follow current issues in the news, if only from Facebook statuses, but my British audience at the very least should know that the “Iron Lady”, Margaret Thatcher, has passed away from a stroke and this has left the nation divided once again, between people grieving as they munch on Rivita with weepy eyes and the underclass gathering together their tuppence to throw little parties. Now, I have said I would respect the dead but frankly my dears, I didn’t respect her when she was alive. However, I’m a man of controversy, not plain and simple bullish vulgarity, so I’ll be as nice as possible about this… or try to.
Death is always tragic, that can’t be argued and I don’t think the world has ever waited with baited for anyone to die since Hitler, though you’d be forgiven for thinking Thatcher received the same reception. In Thatcher’s case, her death was received with cheer by anyone who works for a living but otherwise politicians across the world shed a tear. John Major, Barack Obama, Nick Clegg and even her former opponents, the Labour party, all paid their respects to the late Baroness but I just couldn’t get myself to feel a sense of loss here. What has Britain truly lost here? A gay-bashing dinosaur that made everyone who wasn’t middle or upper class into starving tramps? Excuse me for not paying my respects with a glass of wine at a dinner party, I was too busy living in a hovel.
Ok, so some of you probably just choked on some caviare at my tasteless remarks but why don’t you get off the high horse and listen to my tale? Cue tragic back story. I was born your typical son of a man who made his living with his hands, not due to a lack of intellect but because he left school in the same year Thatcher came to power and changed the system so drastically the floor vanished. My father, Mark Leese, was in the top 2% for IQ in the country, as tested by MENSA themselves, and has such in-depth knowledge of motoring that he could probably build you a functioning motorcycle from spare parts with his hands tied together and an angry squirrel in his boxers. However, being the son of a bus driver, my Dad’s starting place in life was the equivalent to starting a 70 metre sprint against Britain’s finest runners whilst paralysed. As a result of Thatcher’s changes to the system, my starting place in life was less than that and my Dad went from door to door to get them all slammed in his face so hard he got splinters in his nostrils. Tell me, oh wise Thatcher, if you need experience to get a job and a job to get experience, how in the name of Christ do you break into the cycle? I wasn’t born with a job waiting for me by birthright and seeing as I live in Shrewsbury, one of the worst towns in the world to be underclass and starting out in life, I’ve struggled to get anywhere fast and am currently a drain on my family’s minimal resources because there just isn’t work anywhere.
Jacob, I hear you say with disgust, you can’t blame Thatcher for all your problems. You may well be an unskilled monkey child and the only reason you can’t get anywhere in life is because you aren’t trying hard enough, you just want to live off the state don’t you? Well to that I say why don’t you try living without your privileges and start from scratch as a man without anything to fall back on. If I fuck up, that’s it, I’ll be searching the slums for the cosiest gutter but if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you might not even learn what a gutter is, let alone sleep in one. A generation lost out to Thatcher’s regime but that’s not all I’ve got against her, not by a long shot. Oh ho, in case you didn’t know, she wasn’t the nicest of folks about gay rights either: ‘Here, as with most of her achievements, it’s a mixed bag. As a member of Parliament (MP) in the 1960s, she was one of only a handful of Conservatives to vote for the decriminalization of homosexuality, a truly forward-thinking and brave gesture that she deserves a great deal of credit for’ Sounds lovely right? She supports gays? Wrong, in 1988, Thatcher’s government legislated Britain’s first new anti-gay law in 100 years: Section 28. At the 1987 Conservative party conference she mocked people who defended the right to be gay, insinuating that there was no such right. The stigma surrounding the homosexual community as ‘the reason STDs exist’ was not something she aimed to disprove, but rather confirm. As a friend and relative to a number of gay people, I instantly feel the urge to stab someone viciously if they’re so ignorant about sexuality. I don’t mind ignorant people that are just ignorant, but a powerless idiot pales in comparison to one that runs a country. I find it ironic that she did so much to support equality abroad in Africa, but in her own country she sees fit to be a prejudiced dragon.
Erhem, I was being nice wasn’t I? Sorry, I’ll calm down. A dragon as she is, she had her uses and did a lot for this country, unless you’re a mechanic, shelf stacker, student, cleaner, builder, plumber, electrician, honest human being… Pardon? You cry all you want, you latte-sipping, horse-racing, house-owning, people-firing biggots, but if you’re like me, born with nothing that you can’t take by force, you probably find a slight smidgen of comfort in the idea this woman, who fucked you so hard you weren’t even born a virgin, has passed away. However, she’s not the first or the worst so I’ll leave it be like this and I won’t get up in arms about a death again hopefully but this woman was the bane of my life when I was a fetus, allow me to feel relief she’s gone from this Earth. If you disagree, buy my silence.