I sometimes find people asking me the question ‘How do you do it Jacob? How do you write these posts all the time?’, to which I usually make the smart arse response of ‘By using my hands usually because writing with your feet is difficult and unhygienic’ but, if you’ll excuse the assumption, I am a comedian by nature and the difficulty therein is a nightmare, especially when faced with a blank page that seems to stare at me and whisper ‘Make it count’. Comedy is seen as the most pleasant of escapist entertainment forms, second only to dreaming that you’ve suddenly inherited enough money to have four spare mansions in case your first one so much as smells funny, but in this day and age I find it’s more and more difficult to keep pace.
The society we live in follows a predictable and easily measured pattern when anything enters human interest and that is a process of conception/occurrence, interest, fame, overuse, lack of interest and then it either returns through the ironic use or it becomes an ugly muck monster emerging from the depths of the dead joke and you suddenly find that a daytime chat show has recorded their own version of the Harlem Shake or worse yet, Gangnam style. If you want to be funny, you’ve got to be fast and you’ve got to be the first one to make the snide comment, and if you time it just one day past the golden peak, you suddenly find yourself being ostracised as an internet hermit. For example, if I were to Rick Roll you right now, or make a joke about Charlie Sheen’s breakdown, you’d think I had my head buried in sand for twelve months whilst also being locked in a maximum security prison underground on the bloody moon. Our society, built around instantaneous connections and exchanges, leaves no room for you to be late to the mark and once it’s dead, it’s dead. You can be ironic sure, but that’s a difficult art to master and quite frankly, even if you did, most people are too stupid to notice your clever sarcasm, but all in all the lifespan of a trope for humour dies off faster than an underclass amputee in Cameron’s Britain (Yeah, couldn’t miss a chance to have another dig at that golden shining turd ruling over us all could I? You tosspot, living in Cloud-fucking-cuckoo-land and leaving the common ‘scrounger’ to starve and die like Scrouge’s complaints of a surplus population in the bleedin’ Christmas Carol)
Erhem, as I was… I guess one reason that this blog isn’t more of a success is because I miss out on the chance to make some great observations about our society and by the time I get chance to tell you an aspect of popular culture is bloody ridiculous, you’ve all figured that much out for yourselves and are now all trendy cyber hipsters that spit spam mail of hatred at anyone who so much as thinks of typing the words Harlem Shake. You’ve got to be fast and the key to being great at observational comedy is to be quick on the scene or just wait until something else of interest crops up and use that instead. Let’s think back to the death of Michael Jackson shall we? Do you remember where you were when you heard the news? Ok, how long was it until you heard a joke about it? I would guess anywhere between five minutes and a week at most and the point therein is strike whilst the iron’s hot and get in the laughs quick before people have heard it all and then start getting all snobbish about comedy and abhorring you for your silly outdated puns. However, by contrast, you can often hear the phrase ‘Too soon’ get tossed around in this situations and honestly that counts for bugger all nowadays. Heart failure? Cancer? Car crash? Overdose? If you had a claim to fame, the moment you die you become more famous as a running gag than you possibly ever were as a living being until suddenly everyone jumps on this sycophantic bandwagon of remembrance and then your last mentions are of how the world isn’t the same without you in it and that florists made a fortune on selling bouquets for your public memorial service, then you just fade from our attention slowly. Too soon? Comedy is born from tragedy but it’s an ugly creature at times and if you’re that determined to get a laugh from someone, you’ll make the nastiest blows you can before anyone can shed a tear and hopefully win over the kind of psychotic cretin you see as admin for a page along the lines of ‘HURR DURR DEAD BABIES!’ and so forth. If ever you thought I was a vile creature, thank your lucky stars I show a little respect for when people are grieving and give things a miss.
Well where does that leave me then, if I’m not going to be the one to play the piper for the internet arsehole but I’m not exactly family friendly comedy you’d let your kids watch with dinner on a Friday evening? I guess I aim for issues that don’t age too quickly, such as equal rights and pretentious vegans, because the lifestyle I lead leaves little time to be sat at a computer waiting patiently to make the first smart remark about a celebrity death or make a meme out of a catchphrase in a show and so I tackle issues anyone may well discuss at any given point in time. If ever I become a big name, the advantage I’ll have is despite my writing style, my content is universal and won’t just be forgotten about as the month passes, because there will always be someone still getting in a huff about all men being dick-swinging dream destroyers or that tattooing your first child’s name on your wrist is ridiculous because you then have five more and realise you’ve ran out of wrist. However, I felt my rant about the welfare state was pretty on the ball and that contributed nicely to it’s success in ratings but still my best days are days where I publish generic issues we all get emotional about. To date, I have not had higher ratings on any rant than ‘Right War’ because it is about feminism – a timeless reason for women to rant and it drew in such a mix of readers that regardless of whether or not it spoke to them, I got noticed.
Ultimately, I’ve always considered myself a writer but also a man who wants to make people laugh and I do so by criticising everything around me for any justified grounds to do so, which makes a figure for controversy and that in itself makes me more noticeable. I enjoy what I do and people enjoy reading it usually, which shows in both my rants and my viewing figures that continue to swell over time. In the long run, I aim to do a lot more with both comedy and writing – write a serious novel, a funnier novel and maybe one day star in a comedy of my own design. I realise that said goals are probably more realistic than my childhood dreams of growing up to either be Doctor Who or a Transformer but it’s still a lot of work, as is comedy itself. I’m never going to lose hope though, and you won’t get rid of me any time soon so expect to keep hearing from me and watch as I get better with practice. With that in mind, I’m expecting that whiteboard soon so look forward to a video rant in the near future.
So that’s everything covered now, which leaves me with these final words for you to consider:
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN
NEVER GONNA… Hahaha, fuck you society, and your dated jokes. I just rick rolled you.