Well hello again, nice of you to drop by. As you’re all hopefully aware, I… What do you mean a warm welcome is a weird start for a rant? No, it’s not sarcasm. No, seriously, it isn’t. What? Fuck you. As I was saying, you’re all probably well aware that not too long ago I hit the 1000 mark. Yeah that’s right, 1000 views, not years of age, and I feel that despite this being a minor achievement in the eyes of some internet celebrities like your Alex Days and your Egoraptors, I should commemorate the occasion somehow with a special edition to say thank you to my audience whilst reminding you all why you’re still interested in what I do.
So, I opened the door to allow the raging hordes of opinionated people inside in order to hear their suggestions on how I should go about celebrating 1000 views and would you believe it, I let you guys have your say and only one person says anything constructive. I feel like the teacher at the front of the class that tells the talkative students to discuss something as a group and instead they sit there looking more awkward than finding you’ve got a raging hard on at your grandmother’s funeral. Oh well, I guess I’ve beaten you so hard with the opinion stick, you’re scared that if you say anything back to me I might reach through your laptop screen and throttle you. However, you needn’t fear because I didn’t leave the floor open to suggestions to be a vindictive asshole and besides which, if I could travel through cyberspace and reappear in people’s home to inflict physical harm, the population of this planet would be thinning out, but on average, have a higher IQ.
Well, let’s put all that aside because I’ve decided for myself, though I admit I was influenced by my two most fervent readers, to do a stop-motion video rant. I had contemplated using some professional animation software but then I remembered all too late upon opening some downloaded software that I have the computer animation skills of a blinded mongoose with a head injury. So, I’m going old fashioned on your asses, which I promise is not a pick up line from 1870, and will be using a whiteboard and pen to draw up some visual humour to accompany a spoken rant. Lucky buggers you are, you’ll get to hear my voice and I accept no responsibility if the elastic in your panties melts all of a sudden… or at least I would if I didn’t have a voice that sounded like I gargle marbles whilst I speak. However, I imagine the recording will make my voice sound even weirder so if it comes back totally inaudible, I may go back to the planning stage and see what can be done to fix the problem, should it arise.
I figured I should explain my plans before putting them in place because I’m sure you like to know what’s going on in advance so you can be ready for it. I can’t give you a set date yet but I’ll keep you updated on how the work progresses. I have two weeks off for Easter now so that speeds up production time a fair bit but I do have a busy life (Yeah, that’s right, an internet nerd has a busy life complete with other people and going outdoors!) Don’t expect anything professional because I’m a writer, not an animator, and there is only so much I can do but by making videos, I can use visual humour alongside written humour – a whole new dimension to play with and rest assured, with my new toys I will only find more and more ways to be an absolute prick. Well that’s all I have to say for now. Stay tuned.