Hello my little rantees… rantettes… I don’t have a name for you yet but I’ll think of one eventually as a lot of you are no doubt thinking I refer to everyone as dipshit or smeghead. Moving right along, I realise I’ve been pretty quiet on the rant front so that’s going to have to change now isn’t it? I don’t want you all getting bored or getting your hopes up that I might have died between the last post and this one; as if that would stop me ranting… I’m feeling a little better as of late, recently went to a party that turned out to be great fun and it all went without a hitch, making a nice change from the regular tedium of disappointment.
Right then, let’s get things moving then shall we? I’m here today to tackle another demographic group that gets under my skin, which is ironic because that is exactly the sort of thing they’re against. Pacifists, don’t get passively disgruntled because it’s not you I have beef with, it is self righteous vegetarians. I need to explain here that by self-righteous vegetarians, I mean the ones that chastise anyone holding a burger and call you a cold blooded killer. Vegetarians, I am not a cold blooded killer because I think summer is all about barbecues, I’m a cold blooded killer because I stab people in the face (loud cough!) I am not a cold blooded killer at all in fact.
Don’t get me wrong here ok? I personally don’t feel satisfied with an evening meal if it is without meat and whilst I appreciate there are some of us out there who live on tofu and lettuce, I’m not one of those people. By all means, feel free to live on greens and good will because then there’s more cows for me to devour but don’t judge me for it! I am responsible in my consumption, making sure to eat free range eggs and won’t eat meat from battery farmed animals, plus you can’t point the finger at me and say ‘You’re killing God’s creatures’ for a number of reasons – I am not the one putting two shells in Daisy’s face, Farmer McGee is and I just eat the dead remains plus, by that logic, you are too because God created plants too, if you believe that. You can’t claim moral superiority either, because if you love the animals so much, don’t eat their dinner for them will you? I’m sure that fluffy bunny would rather die on a full stomach as opposed to slowly starving as your stupid hippy ass eats his last meal claiming to be Saint Vegetaballbrain of Pussydon.
I have more to say though, because not only are some of these people angry with me for eating the animal’s innards, but then they go on to say I’m exploiting them when I wear leather or eat a cheese sandwich. You know, the Native Americans had an argument similar to this with the European Settlers. The European Settlers would kill buffalo for fur and food then dump the bones and run yet called the Native Americans savages, despite the fact that said savages found a use for every part of the buffalo’s anatomy as either a food source, a domestic good or a tool. I believe that if an animal is going to be killed for meat products anyway, leave as little waste as possible. I don’t wear fur though, I don’t like it is all, but I love leather and eggs, cheese, milk, wool and all the rest of it. Obviously, you don’t kill a cow or a sheep for milk and wool but some have felt the need to say I’m abusing this animal and robbing it of something it owns. A sheep needs a shave and a cow needs milking and just because humanity benefits from these tasks, it doesn’t make a man an exploiter of animals. You want to leave cows and sheep to be by themselves do you? Go for it, your sheep will get themselves caught in fences and probably get heat strokes, and your cows will have serious mobility issues. If there is a God, he didn’t accidentally make milk and wool useful for humanity by happy coincidence, and I’m pretty sure he gave us dominion over the natural world so that we would live in an eternal give and take relationship with our planet.
Of course, even in the absence of a God, the natural world is still our responsibility. If humanity wants to call itself the smartest thing on the planet, then it should accept the mantle of carers for all creatures and by killing animals, not only do we feed our young and make clothes to shield ourselves from the cold, but we avoid overpopulation and in the case of things such as cheese, milk and eggs, we offer health benefits to animals. I have my limits – I wouldn’t eat an endangered animal and I think we have to ensure our livestock sourcing is sustainable or we all end up fucked. Vegetarians, you can go ahead and avoid burgers as sins against your bovine brethren, but you aren’t greater beings for it. You’re fallible creatures too, as prone to stupidity and poor choice as anyone else and claiming that your dietary choice is your redeeming factor is not a good call because by that logic, Hitler can be forgiven too. Yep, I played that card, your flat teeth must be grinding against a leaf pretty hard right now hmm? Oh what’s that? You have pointy ones too? Oh yeah, you’re A BORN PREDATOR. I’m following the natural order here, meat is made to be eaten, it has ‘eat’ in the name. Does celery have the word eat in it? Rice? Protein substitute? No? Pity…
I’m not against vegetarianism or veganism (Is that the word for it? Vegandom? Veganhood?) but what I am against is when a vegetarian or vegan berates a meat eater as some sort of barbarian from yesteryear and scorns anyone who likes the taste of turkey as a villain. Humans are predators, but also resourceful creatures that have learnt not to waste what they take from nature… for the most part. Eat what you want, it doesn’t make you any less of a human being… unless you’ve been drinking Extract of Ood, you should probably kick that habit fast. I’ll be furiously consuming a live pig as you read this.