First impressions are probably one of the most important aspects of social interaction and it is generally understood that upon meeting a new face, both parties have fifteen seconds to form an opinion of one another based on outward appearances and how each party conducts themselves. For example, if a man in a shabby coat plodded up to you with the stench of alcohol on his breath, food in his beard and a bottle in his hand, your first thoughts would probably be that this man is an alcoholic with nothing much in his life beyond being an alcoholic and as he rambled onto you about how he needs five pounds and you desperately try to claw him off like you’re a schizophrenic cat, his initial thoughts of you would probably be that you’re an uptight sod and that you just don’t understand how badly he needs those five pounds.
With that in mind, I often find that some people on social networking sites choose to present themselves to the world with an expression commonly known as ‘the duck face’, a facial expression that looks less like a sexy pout and more like you said a word out of line and got a fat lip for it. I know what you’re thinking, I choose to introduce myself to the world as a loud mouthed fool but at least I’m being honest. You might think it funny that not too long ago I was writing about gender equality and now I’m ranting at women who present themselves as puckering prats but I have recently been ranting at the expense of male flaws (swagger) so now both genders are equal in my scorn. Suck an egg.
So what’s the big problem? A lot of girls constantly do ridiculous things to give exaggerated first impressions of themselves so why get in a huff if they pucker up for the camera? Well, let’s think about the most obvious reason shall we? You look bloody stupid, you kiss-faced clod (I’m taking the insult dictionary up the arse for all it’s got, so sue me you shmuck). I don’t see how it appeals to anyone to be honest, being a man who has never looked at a duck with eyes of passion and the burning desire to make that beaked bitch my… bitch I suppose, there isn’t a more fitting word there. I know the pout is supposed to be all ‘Ooo we’ve got a bad girl on our hands fellas, cocks out at dawn and scramble for the finishing line of her vagina!’ but honestly, if you’re pouting so hard you look like you were caught practising your French kissing technique on a hoover, then that is a sign that you’re doing it wrong.
Now there’s the counter argument that Freddy Mercury pulls the look off and whilst this is true, as much as it is true that you are not a duck, you are also not Freddy Mercury. I’m sorry, he’s a musical god and unless my blog has somehow reached Steve Tyler or the like, you are not. I’d like to tell you all that pouts can be quite fetching, but your expression is as important a cosmetic feature as eye-shadow and mascara in making you look the business and, in the same way that painting your face in enough foundation that your interior decorator rubs his brushes on your face to get the right shade of orange for the kitchen, pouting to the point where the ducks in the river gather before you as their monarch is counter-productive to the look you are aiming for. Subtlety can be as sexually attractive as being full-on and a small pouting of the lips gets a guy in much more of a flutter than sticking your lips out further than the rest of your face. I mean, some of you do enough stupid undignified positions in photos, standing on one leg with your ass popped out to the side like your spine is shaped like a disfigured snake, so why you feel the need to add a cheap cherry to a crumby cake of stupidity is beyond my comprehension.
I think we can agree that of all my rants, this is probably not as venomous or as serious an issue to get up in arms about but hey, this is all a big joke at the end of the day and to be frank, I’m finding it difficult to get these things to work out in writing as well as they sound in my head. I have an idea for next time though, so don’t worry, this old man of ranting hasn’t hit the senility of being a cynic where he writes for hours on end that cereal is too damn soggy (For one reason, I hold the firm belief that all cereal is actually made from pencil sharpenings). I want to give a good note to end on for you duck-facers… whatever… and that is that in reality, there is a very attractive facial expression you can pull in any photo and that everyone will approve of. Smile. Ironic advice coming from Git McSourcunt but there you have it, the sage of cynicism told you to smile. Deal with it bitches.