I think it is fair to say that as far as ranting goes, I’m never alone. I may rant and rave at a variety of subjects, from the philosophical to the stupid, but the subjects are not exclusively discussed by me and I’m not the only one that gets so expressive. As you may know, my style model is influenced by the works of Charlie Brooker, David Mitchell and to a lesser extent, Eddie Izzard and it is because of these three men, I find myself drawn to expressing anger in the form of humorous rants. Now today, I’d like to come onto a topic that has had women ranting for ages, the inequality between sexes. Before the penis-wielding section of my audience, switch off and go to watch football, or find uses for said penis, I’m not here to give a pro-feminist backhand to the male population regardless of whether or not one is in order. You see, my true objective here is to take on both sides in this war and ask the question ‘Shouldn’t we have resolved this by now?’
OK, having effectively alienated both genders, allow me to explain myself before I find myself strung from the town walls by my underwear with profanities tattooed across my bare chest. Nobody can deny that throughout history, women have had to bow down to men simply because men said so and this has led to women being forced into sewing buttons, cooking meals, being faithful to cheating liars and so on, and thank the heavens that for the most part, this is no longer the case. A majority of women in the western world are free to have a career, an education, divorces and even to be less than faithful themselves without being ostracised by the entire town (Though she may hear the word slut being thrown around in her direction for a while). I realise that not every woman in the world has the freedom to choose what she wants in life, with arranged marriages still in practice across the world and many women still living a life of subservience to male oppressors. In my opinion, men and women give each other too much crap but women are probably more justified, having faced over 2000 years of laundry and washing up without being allowed to question it. I support feminism and I like a woman who isn’t afraid to think what she thinks, whether a man is involved in her life or not. Men, don’t switch off, this gets more interesting for you later on. As you can probably guess, I don’t speak for women’s rights and I’m not the most informed man on the matter, but I’ve seen enough boys and girls to realise that both genders are guilty of a bit of sexism and some unnecessary shit-brewing towards one another.
I’m gonna start with what we men do wrong to women, and oh boy, I’ll be here for a while. Primarily, most women would agree that man’s biggest drawback is the unbreakable bond between the balls and the brain, and how the latter never quite shuts the former up with great success. Men, let’s face it, our eyes pay more attention to a woman than our ears do and in some cases, somebody working downstairs sees it fit to salute the young miss. As fun as it is though guys, sex isn’t what runs the world. I’m gonna get some rude remarks thrown my way but hear me out fellas, your head gets you more head. I blame the media really, for giving us guys unreal representations of women and a generation will grow up thinking that to get a woman to like you, you have to treat her like an old carpet – walk all over it and take it to beat it. Moving on, I find that men generally perceive their sex as the better sex, the gender with the muscles and therefore, the decision making. Once again guys, muscles don’t rule the world either and appointing yourself boss is not the same as being a good leader. If anything, money and intellect rule the world and women beat us on the intellect thing hands down so yeah, when in holes right? I don’t hang around too many guys because by default, each member of the male population thinks he’s something bloody special. Admittedly, I’m a tad arrogant too but that’s just in general, and doesn’t involve me blasting out ‘Wench, make me a sandwich!’ Everyone has expectations higher than a lightweight teenager under peer pressure and it only causes damage to everybody’s egos when we find out that the reality of romance and sex isn’t something straight out of Hollywood but can be a long and awkward experience.
Women, you aren’t off the hook because you give us men a hard time and it’s not always justified. A great deal of men do store their entire personality in their testes but if you paint every man with that brush, you effectively cut us out of the picture and if you’re not a lesbian, this can be a lonely existence. I frequently hear the turn of phrase that all men are the same but unless you’re an omniscient super whore that’s sampled every man alive at least once, you can’t say that with any certainty. However, if you aren’t calling us all binge drinking abusers of your love for us, you flip the switch and expect Prince Charming to materialise out of thin air and woo you with such sickly sweet charm, Romeo and Juliet suddenly becomes as crude as South Park. I speak for all men of genuine romantic interests in females when I say that we do our absolute best and not all of us have a vocabulary befitting of Oscar Wilde. Romance is not an easy business and considering us men usually have to do the wooing part, involving somewhere between a week and six months of hard work and sacrifice to potentially get our due credence, you might consider cutting guys some slack. You may have a money maker in your pants, but that alone is no reason to assume you are the goddess of every man’s dreams and if you take it as your right to make the rules and work your man to the bone, expect him to consider wandering off in search of something easier.
Feminism is a funny subject in general, having met many women who don’t identify as feminist because they feel that in their privileged lives as independent white women who have never known a life of laundry and loveless abuse, they don’t need to burn panties on flagpoles and give vicious speeches on castration. I suppose that’s fair enough and to be honest, some feminists get on my wick for their constant anger towards me for having a penis. I didn’t choose my equipment ladies, it was there when I got here. I just wish that this wasn’t still a subject for debate and that everyone had equal rights to do whatever the fuck we want to do with ourselves, because we need to recognise that we are all human and we have to get along for now as we only have the one planet. By the time we spread to colonies across space, we can all go our separate ways with different laws and moral values but for now, let’s call every man and woman equal and stop being total twats.