The Small Pond

Popularity is perhaps one of the most vague and arbitrary concepts man has ever devised since normality itself and to say that I am a symbol of either of these concepts is to admit total ignorance, or to be entirely sarcastic. By the standard definitions of said terms, I am as popular as a bullet to the brain and as normal as slow-roasting your own underwear. I accept this as a fact of my life and one that will remain so for the rest of my life unless I suddenly become a new man and go about righting every wrong, or decide to move to Mexico to pursue a new life as Enrique Sanchez, the greatest wrestler to have never existed. I don’t mind the fact that people dislike me or even hate me because I know this is true of all people and that no matter what else happens, there will always be someone who loves me and someone who loves the idea of me being strung to the ceiling by my own intestines.

I live in a very small town called Shrewsbury and the biggest problem with small towns isn’t the lack of entertainment venues or available jobs but rather the small town mindset of the people who live in these small towns. A small town is a dull town so you look for your entertainment in other people, by means of either befriending them and spending time around them, or sniffing around for rumours and reasons to start trouble in the hope that chaos breaks out and you can manipulate the situation to your advantage. I feel a huge flaw in the logic here is the people who choose the latter only get as far as making everyone miserable and proving that they’re total arseholes in Shrewsbury; big fish in small ponds so to speak. I also have the problem that when things get personal, I become something of an idiot and lash out at anything that stands still long enough to receive the brunt of my anger, metaphorically beating friends and family into mulch. I’m an angry man by nature and some say I look for excuses to be so angry but when your entire life is full of reasons (Reasons, not excuses – There is a considerable difference here) then it all blurs into one messy pile of foul shit.

Life is a bizarre thing indeed and as I’ve frequently advised you all, don’t try to make it make sense for you or that is what will drive you insane because life is not going to make sense beyond a certain point. Your life might have made more sense when skies were blue, juice was orange and your biggest concern was which game you should play next – Streets of Rage or Ecco the Dolphin – but I’m afraid if you’re reading this then that part of your life has ended and all you can do about it is take away the best of it to enjoy in moments of sentimental nostalgia. I first realised that the world was going to get weird when I found myself worrying about how other people felt because from then on I’d have things to be responsible for and that would include the life of another person. I could play Transformers all day long as a kid and have half my imaginary world up in flames during the made up battles but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t do that to the real world of someone who needed me. You’re looking confused now – the old man’s rants are trying to teach you something

“Oh I see your game old man, very clever indeed. You caught me procrastinating from something important so now you want to give me a life lesson in being a responsible adult do you? I don’t have to stand for this; I have a date with Keyboard Cat!”

Well that’s another yes and no situation because yes I want you to learn from this but no, I’m procrastinating too, blogging being a form of escapism for a man such as myself as well as a means to whip out my hefty long opinion stick to beat people with. I’m trying to tell you that your life is going to be full of people, both good and bad, and you’re going to have to interact with them unless you become a hermit in the wild outback of rural New Zealand or something, or die, dying is a good way to avoid all human interaction but I’d highly recommend you leave that path of life (pun intended) alone for a good sixty years or so if possible. You might live in a small town or village like me and be greeted by the same stock characters every day but then you are a stock character in their life and ultimately all human existence is nothing but the blink of an eye to the universe so fuck it. Yes, be true to yourself above all others but don’t think that means other people don’t count, or by contrast, all others count for so much more than you because the central figure in your world is you. Without you, your world does not exist but without other people, your world is a boring and lifeless pimple on the face of the planet so look around and reach out eh?

I don’t hate everyone I meet, or the majority for that matter or I’d be worried that I’m walking around the wrong part of the world but I do worry about it. We are all flawed beings and all of us take what’s good in life for granted so that we can look to get more out of it through greed but that’s just led us to this cultural dead-end of ‘Buy this, update that, wear this, live here’ and so on. I am struggling to wrap this up decisively, such is life but all in all, just go with what feels right and what you know is right for yourself and the world. I’m irritable, so are you at times, and right now my world is a scary place but I’m determined to conquer it all over again and reclaim my rightful title as lord and master of my own destiny. What are you doing about it?


9 thoughts on “The Small Pond

  1. Sweetheart, this is one of your best posts yet; so honest, open and true. I know you’ll never give up, and I’ll be beside you all the way though it. Seize your destiny and don’t let the battering waves of misfortune knock you off course. I love you xxxx


    • Thank you sweetheart. I’ll be funny again soon enough but I like to think I can be honest and open with my readers and that in turn, they will relate to my posts or at least think something when they read it. As for my life, well, I’m in charge of it in the long run and I’ll get back on my feet soon xxxx


  2. Excuse me for being a downer, or whatever the term is nowadays. But I can’t help but notice the tone of utter despair pervading almost all of your posts. Far be it from me to criticize, however don’t you think that spreading messages of discontent and anger is extremely counter productive? After all, you don’t offer any form of advice and usually resort to profanity in an attempt to convey your point. In fact, you talk of anger and irritibality but your posts actually have exactly the same effect on certainly me and I suspect many other readers. I’m afraid that i’m one of those people in life that believe it’s a gift, not a religious or overly spritual person, just someone who thinks that you shouldn’t waste the only life anybody is certain that we have. Quite frankly I think it’s incredibly arrogant of you to assume a higher viewpoint than everybody else and address them like your opinion is fact and that they should accept it. I’m actually wondering what your motivation is for writing these posts. In every single one you seem to actively insult one or more people, and while I agree that Nicki Minaj isn’t the shining star of our generation just because you don’t find her entertaining doesn’t mean that you can pass judgement on her and, by extension, her fans. I don’t believe in anarchy, and am a firm believer in law and order, however I also think that in this short life, people have to do what makes them happy otherwise what’s the point? In a previous post you accuse some people of ranting about things that you “wouldn’t wipe your arse with”. This seems incredibly hypocritical to me and I think that you should spend less time focusing on what you find annoying, irritating and wrong in other people and spend a little more on looking at yourself in the light you so harshly judge others.


    • I really don’t see the point in this argument here. I am an angry and irritable person who happens to have internet access and a large vocabulary who happens to use these assets to make himself a nice big opinion stick to beat people with, whether they approve of such or not. Welcome to the modern world, where everyone else has opinion sticks too, and some are even less friendly about it than I am. I don’t assume to be a higher or greater being, I am a different person and thus on a different level in that sense. I am on a parallel state, not a higher one. If you read my blog on a regular basis, then I assume you enjoy reading about me be a total arsehole about things that get under my skin or you take some sort of amusement in following the life story of an idiot with depression. I’ll judge myself for you now – I’m arrogant, annoying, harsh, callous and generally think myself to be a pretty good guy. I, however, don’t care if this isn’t the shared opinion of the masses because I like myself, my partner likes me considerably more so than that and I have the respect of my friends so I’m sorted. Hate me all you like and lecture me until you go blue in the face because I assure you, you might as well give that same lecture to a copper kettle.


  3. If you’re trying to indicate that a big vocabulary means intelligence, you’re sadly mistaken. In fact i’ve seen nothing to indicate that you have a big vocabulary at all, just the one of somebody more accustomed to reading books than most people these days. As for your presumptuous statement that I must enjoy reading your blog posts, I was actually recommended to read them because a friend told me that they were funny, the kind of funny where you laugh at someone not with them. I must say that I agree, excpet as well as being easy to poke fun at, you write posts that inspire complete incredulity for me. That someone can be so depressed about life and the world is very sad. Let me tell you something that you obviously haven’t factored into your grand plan. People get old and they die, and then whatever is left of them is remembered. When you die, do you want the only thing you’re remembered by to be your cynicism and anger? I think that if you put your ego aside for a second, you’d realise that nobody wants that. As for your partner, I feel genuinly sorry for the person you have sadly manipulated into believing that you’re a “nice guy”.


    • You can keep this up all you want but you won’t change a thing so if you want to laugh at me, laugh away, because at least then somebody is laughing if only at my expense. I don’t care if you love these posts, hate them or find them just means to have me hung, drawn and quartered because these are my views (If a little exaggerated for comic effect. I do not actually believe in having people executed and the like but it’s not as funny to write that I just don’t like things, delivering it with a bit more venom makes it more interesting to read) My ego is perfectly fine as is and you won’t be able to change that by complaining you think I’m arrogant because it won’t change so either carry on reading and laughing, or just find something else to read. I have depression, as well as a psychopathic mindset, aspergers syndrome and whilst these aren’t excuses for what I do, it can at least explain why I sound so angry – usually because I am. As for my partner, I am not manipulating her at all but am in fact her carer and very much in love with her. Alice is fully aware I’m arrogant and grumpy but she takes me as I am because that’s kind of how relationships work. Now then, run along and complain to somebody who will take your complaints seriously, instead of me, an arrogant arsehole with serious mood issues.


    • he hasn’t manipulated anybody. the people who know Jake properly understand that he has anger at things but he’s genuine. as for saying you’d poke fun at him you’re obviously a sad pathetic person who can only gain amusement by trying to undermine others. i feel sorry for you. you don’t like his work fine don’t read anymore but keep your comments to yourself


    • You flatter yourself Flora. I regularly receive messages and have had comments in the past from people who don’t like what I do. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last and laughing at the expense of people who think they can shut me up with snide comments is hilarious. Frankly, I like that you keep coming back here because people love to watch me argue my corner so once again, you’re only serving to increase the popularity of my site. Nice one. If you really don’t like this site, you should stop turning up on here so regularly.


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