As most of you are hopefully aware, I have been born and raised in England, the largest country in Great Britain, and the land seemingly remembered across the world as being home of the crumpet, cucumber sandwiches and cups of tea. I can tell you from the offset that whilst these stereotypes have their grounds in reality, they are generalisations that don’t apply to every single Brit you meet, much in the same way that every American isn’t a gelatinous blob rolling out of Wal-Mart on a mobility scooter with a cheeseburger in one hand and his automatic rifle in the other whilst loudly singing Stars and Stripes. Britain and America rip on each other like two psychopaths who have stumbled across a spare box of waxing strips, and occasionally one calls the other this or that and everyone gets on their high horse of patriotism and ultimately proves nothing beyond the fact that those who live in privileged countries can find nothing better to do than kick up a fuss over nothing whilst blissfully ignoring starving orphans and dying soldiers in distant lands.
I would like to point out I have two nationalities, being both English and Maori, the indigenous people of New Zealand, and I proudly declare myself as being a mixture of these two countries. I pride myself on my Maori heritage and love to ponder my possible relation to chieftains of note, but I do so whilst sat there with a mug of tea so I’m trying to find that balance between being Mr Bean and a Maori warrior. I love England but I also love New Zealand and though sometimes I’m a little too keen to give history lessons on the latter, I don’t ram my nationality down anyone’s throat as if forcing them to drink the blood of my ancestors so they can understand my heritage a little better. I can say beyond doubt that not all of us are that considerate to others when we consider our nationality and the difference between being a patriot and shoving star spangled boots up our neighbour’s arse.
Second thing to point out, British people, is Great Britain is called such because it is the greater land mass in comparison with Brittany, a small nation near France, and it is not an honorary title bestowed upon us by God as if to say ‘You Brits got it right with the whole civilisation thing, assume your God-given right as pretentious overlords of three quarters of the world… fuck…’. Britain is more than just England too, Americans, it includes Wales and Scotland, sometimes even Ireland, or as some of you know them, the dragons, the angry men in skirts and the drunks. Once again, all stereotypes and not to be relied upon as cold hard fact but I will advise you never pick fights with the Irish because I know a few, and they’re a spirited bunch. We can all be proud of who we are, by all means, but your pride is your own and shouldn’t be made into a patriotic baton to beat foreigners with.
America is said to be the worst culprit for self-righteousness, viewing itself as the land of the free, the brave, the bold, the intelligent, the rich, the blessed, the inventive, the creative and pretty much every other flattering adjective but let’s not forget that as well as Britain having Churchill and quiet sensibility in its favour and Tony Blair to hold against it, you, America, have George Bush and serious issues with gun crime so let he who is without sin cast the first stone and people who live in glass houses shouldn’t shit all over their furniture. America has some good points and some bad points, like every other country. Yes, you’re the country that gave us computers and Facebook and Google but you also gave us the war in Iraq and you somehow earn the scorn of every terrorist organisation in the world and it’s not just jealousy that drives them onward.
Britain, America, you’re both flawed nations and you’re family really when you look back far enough so stop this pointless argument because we can fight forever on who’s better than who to no avail. Every category you can think of, both nations has good examples and bad examples of each. Politicians, inventors, weird laws, criminals and so forth, it goes on and on and on. However, neither of you can assume the moral high ground and you can both be dicks to one another with silly stereotypes that make no sense, with Mr Britain telling Mr America to fuck off home to have sex with his children then polish his gun whilst lazily filling his face with melted cheese but then Mr America would counter by telling him to shove some jam on toast up his arse until his snot turns pink and he passes out in the middle of his sexual encounters with the queen. I’d like to make this clear: people who make a point of having these arguments have an underlying common problem with their own character and that is that they are actually just angry nerds with acne, sat at a computer being flag-waving narcissists who couldn’t get sex in a brothel even if they shat solid gold.
At the end of the day, I’ll still hear some dumb shit happening in America on the news and I’ll smirk with my air of haughty British sarcasm and say ‘Oh America, such a great place to live’ then snigger to myself but that said, I live in a country where there was a serious political debate over who eats more pastries. The entire western world is fucked in the head; there is no point in being racist about it.