ConDem

Greetings everybody, you’re probably still waiting on the video eh? Well, the whiteboard is in the post so once it arrives, I’ll crack on. I feel I should warn you in advance this is not a funny rant but a serious one, tackling an issue close to my own heart that upon learning of it, made me truly lose what little faith I had in the government of my collapsing country.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you followed the news? Even if you had, the newspapers have covered it over with the intention of keeping you calm whilst robbing you blind because as of 1st April 2013, David Cameron will make fools of us all and the ConDem (Conservative/Liberal Democrat government… also a pun) government will enforce such tight-arsed changes to the welfare state that the public of Britain will be £18bn worse off. Historians, remember this day as the day David Cameron let the world know he is truly a twat. I think back to 2009, where Cameron spoke at length of inequality in society being the bane of us all and now we see the truth in those words, but not in the way we hoped. As Cameron came to power and blamed the failings of our nation on everyone else bar himself, anyone who watched his speeches on their cheap little television in their shitty little flat were left scared and angry. The welfare state is a lifeline, but also a trap that binds those without enough financial security to cope without it and though we’d all like to live our lives without claiming benefits and still being fine for it, cuts across the board shake our faith in our money and our government. As the economist JK Galbraith observed: “The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy: that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.”

So where is the public outcry? Who fights the fight for the damned? Well, I’ll give the church their dues, they’ve picked up the baton but do you want to know the dark truth in this war on inequality? People weren’t told it was happening until it was too late. The Times, The Telegraph, The Sun and The Mirror are all considered the newspapers read by the common man and not one of them told their readers the plain and simple truth that the government was making cuts to their benefits. The voices of the broken are weak, they are too ill, too poor or just not smart enough to take the fight to Cameron and tell him he’s wrong. I shiver at the thought that this once proud nation, and we were once, is run by a man so out of touch with reality, he believes £65 a week can support the average family with money to spare. A man so monumentally thick, he believes the problem with this country is an excess number of jobless youths and disabled people? Cameron, do you plan to fix this nation by killing half of it off with starvation and poverty? I am afraid to say, dear reader, you will live to see the division between classes in Britain widen to almost unbelievable levels, and will look on at the chaos of this world with either a hand full of cash, or a hand full of dirt (If you are not currently reading this with at least £50 cash in hand, expect the latter)

You can run and hide from the truth, whether you’re affected or not, but the truth is the truth and if reality is a harsh bitch, expect to be whipped if you are not the one with the whip in hand right now. I’d like to believe in equal opportunities for everyone in this country, but that’s a fairy tale now and will be until I die unless we somehow discover the world’s first 100% plainly honest politician and make them Prime Minister. I’m not surprised crime rates are increasing, and that people are looking at extreme points of view such as National Socialism as more and more reasonable. The people at risk are the ones we leave with no means to defend themselves so what do they do? People get angry. People get confused. People get hurt. People steal. People cheat. People starve. People die. All the while, however, our lords and masters watch from above in total amazement at how people can be so stupid. I seriously think the likes of Cameron ask questions like ‘Why don’t they just buy more money? Honestly, if these people sold their summer houses, they’d be fine. You could always buy another one two years down the line, just sell it for now’

I’m not done yet, oh good god no. Disability Living Allowance will become PIP, removing 500,000 people from the list of the eligible in one fucking go. Job Centre Staff admitted to The Guardian that they are ‘trained to find any sanction to not pay out’ and this includes scouring through forms for even the tiniest of errors, calling it a benefit fraud attempt and throwing the book at poor Jim Worthnought so hard you can read the terms and conditions off the back of his head. You deserve to claim benefits just by getting through the process of claiming them – a digital nightmare combined with forms heavier than a people carrier and all you can expect to help you do it is a ballpoint pen. If you’re semi-literate, you should probably choose a bench now. In a worst case scenario, crisis loans no longer cover transport and food, just food, and the Trussell Trust Food Bank is expecting a surge so out of hand, they’re begging for donations like we will all be doing soon enough… unless you’ve got a cosy seat in the middle class, in which case, I resent you.

I’m sorry, but there is more… A final blow, the last nail in the coffin of the underclass. Legal aid has been removed for anyone appealing for benefits and so now, if you’re refused and don’t think that’s fair, hire your own attorney or go home… or you can be your own attorney and get laughed at because you don’t know about Root Clause 0HWLL-FCKUM8Y – “Anyone who needs to claim money off the state is obviously a tool”. The CAB’s budget is set to go down from £22m to £3m. Let that sink in. Got it? Scream. Loudly. In Cameron’s face. As you beat him with a shovel. Please.

If you’re not affected and this still shocks you, don’t feel too bad – you were kept in the dark by those you trusted to tell you the truth. The media isn’t lying per se, it just didn’t say anything in the first place. Your beloved newspaper waited for you to fall in the water and crawl back out with your legs missing before shouting at you for swimming with sharks, and then tried to justify itself in it’s failings by shouting at the shark for a bit, calling it a mean shark.

I leave you with this thought – In a country where governments fear their people, you have benevolence. In a country where people fear their governments, you have tyranny.

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Special Edition Update

Well hello again, nice of you to drop by. As you’re all hopefully aware, I… What do you mean a warm welcome is a weird start for a rant? No, it’s not sarcasm. No, seriously, it isn’t. What? Fuck you. As I was saying, you’re all probably well aware that not too long ago  I hit the 1000 mark. Yeah that’s right, 1000 views, not years of age, and I feel that despite this being a minor achievement in the eyes of some internet celebrities like your Alex Days and your Egoraptors, I should commemorate the occasion somehow with a special edition to say thank you to my audience whilst reminding you all why you’re still interested in what I do.

So, I opened the door to allow the raging hordes of opinionated people inside in order to hear their suggestions on how I should go about celebrating 1000 views and would you believe it, I let you guys have your say and only one person says anything constructive. I feel like the teacher at the front of the class that tells the talkative students to discuss something as a group and instead they sit there looking more awkward than finding you’ve got a raging hard on at your grandmother’s funeral. Oh well, I guess I’ve beaten you so hard with the opinion stick, you’re scared that if you say anything back to me I might reach through your laptop screen and throttle you. However, you needn’t fear because I didn’t leave the floor open to suggestions to be a vindictive asshole and besides which, if I could travel through cyberspace and reappear in people’s home to inflict physical harm, the population of this planet would be thinning out, but on average, have a higher IQ.

Well, let’s put all that aside because I’ve decided for myself, though I admit I was influenced by my two most fervent readers, to do a stop-motion video rant. I had contemplated using some professional animation software but then I remembered all too late upon opening some downloaded software that I have the computer animation skills of a blinded mongoose with a head injury. So, I’m going old fashioned on your asses, which I promise is not a pick up line from 1870, and will be using a whiteboard and pen to draw up some visual humour to accompany a spoken rant. Lucky buggers you are, you’ll get to hear my voice and I accept no responsibility if the elastic in your panties melts all of a sudden… or at least I would if I didn’t have a voice that sounded like I gargle marbles whilst I speak. However, I imagine the recording will make my voice sound even weirder so if it comes back totally inaudible, I may go back to the planning stage and see what can be done to fix the problem, should it arise.

I figured I should explain my plans before putting them in place because I’m sure you like to know what’s going on in advance so you can be ready for it. I can’t give you a set date yet but I’ll keep you updated on how the work progresses. I have two weeks off for Easter now so that speeds up production time a fair bit but I do have a busy life (Yeah, that’s right, an internet nerd has a busy life complete with other people and going outdoors!) Don’t expect anything professional because I’m a writer, not an animator, and there is only so much I can do but by making videos, I can use visual humour alongside written humour – a whole new dimension to play with and rest assured, with my new toys I will only find more and more ways to be an absolute prick. Well that’s all I have to say for now. Stay tuned.

A Blogger Worth A Thousand

Well, I did it folks, I finally hit the 1000 mark today. I’m pretty darn chuffed with myself, having come a long way from writing little rant statuses on Facebook and now I have my own blog, complete with fan base and hate mail. I’ll admit, this wasn’t what I expected to happen when I first got my blog and to get this far in less than a month is phenomenal, for me. You might be a blogger or an internet celebrity and see this achievement of mine as little more than junior pissing his pants in glee at having walked five steps without holding a big hand, but to me this is a milestone. 1000 views is a big number compared to day one and I’m hoping that with time, as the posts get funnier and more frequent, 1000 views will eventually become 2000, then 3000 and so on and so on.

I’d like to say this is all the result of my genius attracting a massive crowd from the start and that I have only myself to be proud of here but in fact, this wouldn’t have been possible without a number of people. First and foremost, my girlfriend Alice, who has been supportive from day one and continues to promote my blog endlessly, much to the displeasure of some who are no doubt sick of adverts for my rants on their News Feed. You can read about her life here

http://meandmybattles.blogspot.co.uk

Alice struggles with an illness known as M.E. and is an inspiration to people in situations like her, so please follow her blog. You will find something to smile or cry about, healthy or not, and she may just say something that will help you find your way. If my rants destroy your faith in our planet, her posts restore it.

I’d also like to thank my regular readers and anyone else who promotes my work to their friends and colleagues; you’ve made it possible for me to get this far and I know you’re always hungry for more. Debbi Lilico, a trusted and old friend of mine, is also a blogger on this same site and you can read her musings and madness by clicking this handy link

http://honeybeelilico.wordpress.com

If you feel left out of the special mentions, do let me know won’t you? I owe a huge thank you to the stupid things in life that provide me ammunition for the cannon of crap I fire at the internet like the trigger is hair thin. I may rant a lot but if this world was perfect, what good would I be? I’ve discovered I have very little talent for ranting about how good things are – it sounds awkward and weird. I love kittens, furry little motherfuckers make my day. See? Not natural at all.

Well, by now I’ve taken an enthusiastic stab at our modern society and it’s funny flaws, from totally tasteless tattoos to sloppy swaggots. I do struggle at times to think of what to rant about so, at the risk of opening the gates of Hell, the floor is open to suggestions. I want to do something special to commemorate 1000 views but I need ideas. I have a few but there needs to be some input from you as to what you want, because I do all this for your entertainment. My ideas so far are:

1. A compilation of mini rants, either as a video or a written post

2. An old rant remade into a video, either just filming myself performing it or as an animated cartoon (This would be made by me, unless anyone wants to volunteer)

3. An extra long rant about 2013 so far, in terms of big news events and internet crazes

Please leave your comments below or message me, providing you explain who you are first. I’m not too hard to find. Thank you all for your support this far!

Fleshed Out Argument

Hello my little rantees… rantettes… I don’t have a name for you yet but I’ll think of one eventually as a lot of you are no doubt thinking I refer to everyone as dipshit or smeghead. Moving right along, I realise I’ve been pretty quiet on the rant front so that’s going to have to change now isn’t it? I don’t want you all getting bored or getting your hopes up that I might have died between the last post and this one; as if that would stop me ranting… I’m feeling a little better as of late, recently went to a party that turned out to be great fun and it all went without a hitch, making a nice change from the regular tedium of disappointment.

Right then, let’s get things moving then shall we? I’m here today to tackle another demographic group that gets under my skin, which is ironic because that is exactly the sort of thing they’re against. Pacifists, don’t get passively disgruntled because it’s not you I have beef with, it is self righteous vegetarians. I need to explain here that by self-righteous vegetarians, I mean the ones that chastise anyone holding a burger and call you a cold blooded killer. Vegetarians, I am not a cold blooded killer because I think summer is all about barbecues, I’m a cold blooded killer because I stab people in the face (loud cough!) I am not a cold blooded killer at all in fact.

Don’t get me wrong here ok? I personally don’t feel satisfied with an evening meal if it is without meat and whilst I appreciate there are some of us out there who live on tofu and lettuce, I’m not one of those people. By all means, feel free to live on greens and good will because then there’s more cows for me to devour but don’t judge me for it! I am responsible in my consumption, making sure to eat free range eggs and won’t eat meat from battery farmed animals, plus you can’t point the finger at me and say ‘You’re killing God’s creatures’ for a number of reasons – I am not the one putting two shells in Daisy’s face, Farmer McGee is and I just eat the dead remains plus, by that logic, you are too because God created plants too, if you believe that. You can’t claim moral superiority either, because if you love the animals so much, don’t eat their dinner for them will you? I’m sure that fluffy bunny would rather die on a full stomach as opposed to slowly starving as your stupid hippy ass eats his last meal claiming to be Saint Vegetaballbrain of Pussydon.

I have more to say though, because not only are some of these people angry with me for eating the animal’s innards, but then they go on to say I’m exploiting them when I wear leather or eat a cheese sandwich. You know, the Native Americans had an argument similar to this with the European Settlers. The European Settlers would kill buffalo for fur and food then dump the bones and run yet called the Native Americans savages, despite the fact that said savages found a use for every part of the buffalo’s anatomy as either a food source, a domestic good or a tool. I believe that if an animal is going to be killed for meat products anyway, leave as little waste as possible. I don’t wear fur though, I don’t like it is all, but I love leather and eggs, cheese, milk, wool and all the rest of it. Obviously, you don’t kill a cow or a sheep for milk and wool but some have felt the need to say I’m abusing this animal and robbing it of something it owns. A sheep needs a shave and a cow needs milking and just because humanity benefits from these tasks, it doesn’t make a man an exploiter of animals. You want to leave cows and sheep to be by themselves do you? Go for it, your sheep will get themselves caught in fences and probably get heat strokes, and your cows will have serious mobility issues. If there is a God, he didn’t accidentally make milk and wool useful for humanity by happy coincidence, and I’m pretty sure he gave us dominion over the natural world so that we would live in an eternal give and take relationship with our planet.

Of course, even in the absence of a God, the natural world is still our responsibility. If humanity wants to call itself the smartest thing on the planet, then it should accept the mantle of carers for all creatures and by killing animals, not only do we feed our young and make clothes to shield ourselves from the cold, but we avoid overpopulation and in the case of things such as cheese, milk and eggs, we offer health benefits to animals. I have my limits – I wouldn’t eat an endangered animal and I think we have to ensure our livestock sourcing is sustainable or we all end up fucked. Vegetarians, you can go ahead and avoid burgers as sins against your bovine brethren, but you aren’t greater beings for it. You’re fallible creatures too, as prone to stupidity and poor choice as anyone else and claiming that your dietary choice is your redeeming factor is not a good call because by that logic, Hitler can be forgiven too. Yep, I played that card, your flat teeth must be grinding against a leaf pretty hard right now hmm? Oh what’s that? You have pointy ones too? Oh yeah, you’re A BORN PREDATOR. I’m following the natural order here, meat is made to be eaten, it has ‘eat’ in the name. Does celery have the word eat in it? Rice? Protein substitute? No? Pity…

I’m not against vegetarianism or veganism (Is that the word for it? Vegandom? Veganhood?) but what I am against is when a vegetarian or vegan berates a meat eater as some sort of barbarian from yesteryear and scorns anyone who likes the taste of turkey as a villain. Humans are predators, but also resourceful creatures that have learnt not to waste what they take from nature… for the most part. Eat what you want, it doesn’t make you any less of a human being… unless you’ve been drinking Extract of Ood, you should probably kick that habit fast. I’ll be furiously consuming a live pig as you read this.

Keeping Up With The Downers

Personal post again, so by all means if you are purely here to laugh at me tackling modern society with all the grace of a shit covered brick, then you’re probably better off re-reading my older posts because this is purely a personal update on my life. I’ll start from where I left off last time and that is that after toying with the idea of possible depression, I saw my GP who suggested I think carefully if medication is really what I want and if not, see how I can adjust my lifestyle to iron out the kinks in my mood. The man made a fair point, that my particular case has a root cause that, whilst it obviously can’t be undone or removed, I can work my way around the challenges life is presenting to me and rather than take medication directly for my mood, maybe a handful of little remedies for the symptoms will work and I’ll naturally feel better knowing I’ve put my life back on track.

In all fairness, I’m not sure what to think here. I was told to go away and consider if my life is going to improve in the next six months or not, and if taking mood medication is really what I want. I’ve read the information over a few times and admittedly, SSRIs don’t look like the fun kind of drugs kids get into at parties. I’m not keen on the idea of being prone to awkward erections and suicidal tendencies, as I’m not prone to those things at the moment and my life is awkward enough as is, so adding a primed rocket in the trouser department won’t help. However, I also don’t like having a mood as stable as a house of cards built atop a turntable. I will overcome it all though, as I always do because brute force and ignorance always work out in the end… Heheheh… Ok, so perhaps that isn’t true but still, I always pull through in the end and I like to think I’m one of those sort of guys who shrugs off missing limbs as flesh wounds, but without the ballsy stupidity to blow his arm off to prove said point.

On the other hand (Ba-dum-tish mother fuckers), I’ve managed to avoid exploding at anyone for at least three days now and hope to keep that up for a while so GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH A RUSTY STEEL… Sorry what? Unfunny jokes aside, I think I did actually tell someone to do something along those lines, but honestly my explosive outbursts have merged into a history of violence I can only recall in small chunks, such as individual scraps with various people who said this, that and the other about myself or my mother usually. For the record, all mood stuff aside, anyone who badmouths anyone’s mother deserves a smack in the jaw because I for one have never understood why mothers are brought into arguments as ammunition for petty verbal blows below the belt. Your mother, and his/her mother, have no involvement in the situation most likely, so leave them be because they can’t say a word in their defence if you mouth off about them whilst they aren’t physically present. Back on track, I’ve been able to safely valve off my anger for the most part but I am still struggling with it at times, as I have been all my life.

I’m sure many of you think that in terms of my temper, I invite it round for tea and a quick fuck in the living room before we go out to dinner together and talk about how much we despise humanity but in actual fact, we don’t always see eye to eye and rants are a safe way of letting him have his way for a bit so he doesn’t wait until the pressure gauge reaches critical and storm up to the roof of a building with a machete and a vial of tiger blood. If you think I’m an angry fuckhead now, you should have seen me about five or six years ago when anger was all I lived and breathed for and I justified my existence by destroying anything that would sit still long enough. I often got myself into trouble for this and by living my life as a burning ball of anger, I burnt bridges between myself and numerous people, permanently in some cases. If you’re one of those people reading this, hope you’re doing well.

I’ll overcome all of this in the end and let you all know how things turn out for me, as to whether or not I take the plunge into anti-depressants. If you have any sensible thoughts on the matter, feel free to leave a comment below. Thank you

POST SCRIPT!

I’m here to promote some of my fellow bloggers, who are inspirations to me and are worth a read. Follow my girlfriend Alice in her battles with ME/CFS here, a crippling illness that she comes to term with little by little everyday and she is an inspiration to those of the same condition or anyone feeling lost in this big world

http://meandmybattles.blogspot.co.uk

Also, an old friend of mine who is good for a laugh and possibly one of the most erratic eccentrics in the history of creation, with a brain so randomised you’d think she was assembled by an armada of drunken badgers on their lunch break. A mixture of funny posts and some poetic beauty in there too. Check them out!

http://honeybeelilico.wordpress.com

If you want me to promote your blog, get in touch and I’ll see what I can do but nothing comes free in this world and I won’t promote a blog I don’t enjoy reading. Ok, thanks for reading!

No Need To Pout

First impressions are probably one of the most important aspects of social interaction and it is generally understood that upon meeting a new face, both parties have fifteen seconds to form an opinion of one another based on outward appearances and how each party conducts themselves. For example, if a man in a shabby coat plodded up to you with the stench of alcohol on his breath, food in his beard and a bottle in his hand, your first thoughts would probably be that this man is an alcoholic with nothing much in his life beyond being an alcoholic and as he rambled onto you about how he needs five pounds and you desperately try to claw him off like you’re a schizophrenic cat, his initial thoughts of you would probably be that you’re an uptight sod and that you just don’t understand how badly he needs those five pounds.

With that in mind, I often find that some people on social networking sites choose to present themselves to the world with an expression commonly known as ‘the duck face’, a facial expression that looks less like a sexy pout and more like you said a word out of line and got a fat lip for it. I know what you’re thinking, I choose to introduce myself to the world as a loud mouthed fool but at least I’m being honest. You might think it funny that not too long ago I was writing about gender equality and now I’m ranting at women who present themselves as puckering prats but I have recently been ranting at the expense of male flaws (swagger) so now both genders are equal in my scorn. Suck an egg.

So what’s the big problem? A lot of girls constantly do ridiculous things to give exaggerated first impressions of themselves so why get in a huff if they pucker up for the camera? Well, let’s think about the most obvious reason shall we? You look bloody stupid, you kiss-faced clod (I’m taking the insult dictionary up the arse for all it’s got, so sue me you shmuck). I don’t see how it appeals to anyone to be honest, being a man who has never looked at a duck with eyes of passion and the burning desire to make that beaked bitch my… bitch I suppose, there isn’t a more fitting word there. I know the pout is supposed to be all ‘Ooo we’ve got a bad girl on our hands fellas, cocks out at dawn and scramble for the finishing line of her vagina!’ but honestly, if you’re pouting so hard you look like you were caught practising your French kissing technique on a hoover, then that is a sign that you’re doing it wrong.

Now there’s the counter argument that Freddy Mercury pulls the look off and whilst this is true, as much as it is true that you are not a duck, you are also not Freddy Mercury. I’m sorry, he’s a musical god and unless my blog has somehow reached Steve Tyler or the like, you are not. I’d like to tell you all that pouts can be quite fetching, but your expression is as important a cosmetic feature as eye-shadow and mascara in making you look the business and, in the same way that painting your face in enough foundation that your interior decorator rubs his brushes on your face to get the right shade of orange for the kitchen, pouting to the point where the ducks in the river gather before you as their monarch is counter-productive to the look you are aiming for. Subtlety can be as sexually attractive as being full-on and a small pouting of the lips gets a guy in much more of a flutter than sticking your lips out further than the rest of your face. I mean, some of you do enough stupid undignified positions in photos, standing on one leg with your ass popped out to the side like your spine is shaped like a disfigured snake, so why you feel the need to add a cheap cherry to a crumby cake of stupidity is beyond my comprehension.

I think we can agree that of all my rants, this is probably not as venomous or as serious an issue to get up in arms about but hey, this is all a big joke at the end of the day and to be frank, I’m finding it difficult to get these things to work out in writing as well as they sound in my head. I have an idea for next time though, so don’t worry, this old man of ranting hasn’t hit the senility of being a cynic where he writes for hours on end that cereal is too damn soggy (For one reason, I hold the firm belief that all cereal is actually made from pencil sharpenings). I want to give a good note to end on for you duck-facers… whatever… and that is that in reality, there is a very attractive facial expression you can pull in any photo and that everyone will approve of. Smile. Ironic advice coming from Git McSourcunt but there you have it, the sage of cynicism told you to smile. Deal with it bitches.

Right War

I think it is fair to say that as far as ranting goes, I’m never alone. I may rant and rave at a variety of subjects, from the philosophical to the stupid, but the subjects are not exclusively discussed by me and I’m not the only one that gets so expressive. As you may know, my style model is influenced by the works of Charlie Brooker, David Mitchell and to a lesser extent, Eddie Izzard and it is because of these three men, I find myself drawn to expressing anger in the form of humorous rants. Now today, I’d like to come onto a topic that has had women ranting for ages, the inequality between sexes. Before the penis-wielding section of my audience, switch off and go to watch football, or find uses for said penis, I’m not here to give a pro-feminist backhand to the male population regardless of whether or not one is in order. You see, my true objective here is to take on both sides in this war and ask the question ‘Shouldn’t we have resolved this by now?’

OK, having effectively alienated both genders, allow me to explain myself before I find myself strung from the town walls by my underwear with profanities tattooed across my bare chest. Nobody can deny that throughout history, women have had to bow down to men simply because men said so and this has led to women being forced into sewing buttons, cooking meals, being faithful to cheating liars and so on, and thank the heavens that for the most part, this is no longer the case. A majority of women in the western world are free to have a career, an education, divorces and even to be less than faithful themselves without being ostracised by the entire town (Though she may hear the word slut being thrown around in her direction for a while). I realise that not every woman in the world has the freedom to choose what she wants in life, with arranged marriages still in practice across the world and many women still living a life of subservience to male oppressors. In my opinion, men and women give each other too much crap but women are probably more justified, having faced over 2000 years of laundry and washing up without being allowed to question it. I support feminism and I like a woman who isn’t afraid to think what she thinks, whether a man is involved in her life or not. Men, don’t switch off, this gets more interesting for you later on. As you can probably guess, I don’t speak for women’s rights and I’m not the most informed man on the matter, but I’ve seen enough boys and girls to realise that both genders are guilty of a bit of sexism and some unnecessary shit-brewing towards one another.

I’m gonna start with what we men do wrong to women, and oh boy, I’ll be here for a while. Primarily, most women would agree that man’s biggest drawback is the unbreakable bond between the balls and the brain, and how the latter never quite shuts the former up with great success. Men, let’s face it, our eyes pay more attention to a woman than our ears do and in some cases, somebody working downstairs sees it fit to salute the young miss. As fun as it is though guys, sex isn’t what runs the world. I’m gonna get some rude remarks thrown my way but hear me out fellas, your head gets you more head. I blame the media really, for giving us guys unreal representations of women and a generation will grow up thinking that to get a woman to like you, you have to treat her like an old carpet – walk all over it and take it to beat it. Moving on, I find that men generally perceive their sex as the better sex, the gender with the muscles and therefore, the decision making. Once again guys, muscles don’t rule the world either and appointing yourself boss is not the same as being a good leader. If anything, money and intellect rule the world and women beat us on the intellect thing hands down so yeah, when in holes right? I don’t hang around too many guys because by default, each member of the male population thinks he’s something bloody special. Admittedly, I’m a tad arrogant too but that’s just in general, and doesn’t involve me blasting out ‘Wench, make me a sandwich!’ Everyone has expectations higher than a lightweight teenager under peer pressure and it only causes damage to everybody’s egos when we find out that the reality of romance and sex isn’t something straight out of Hollywood but can be a long and awkward experience.

Women, you aren’t off the hook because you give us men a hard time and it’s not always justified. A great deal of men do store their entire personality in their testes but if you paint every man with that brush, you effectively cut us out of the picture and if you’re not a lesbian, this can be a lonely existence. I frequently hear the turn of phrase that all men are the same but unless you’re an omniscient super whore that’s sampled every man alive at least once, you can’t say that with any certainty. However, if you aren’t calling us all binge drinking abusers of your love for us, you flip the switch and expect Prince Charming to materialise out of thin air and woo you with such sickly sweet charm, Romeo and Juliet suddenly becomes as crude as South Park. I speak for all men of genuine romantic interests in females when I say that we do our absolute best and not all of us have a vocabulary befitting of Oscar Wilde. Romance is not an easy business and considering us men usually have to do the wooing part, involving somewhere between a week and six months of hard work and sacrifice to potentially get our due credence, you might consider cutting guys some slack. You may have a money maker in your pants, but that alone is no reason to assume you are the goddess of every man’s dreams and if you take it as your right to make the rules and work your man to the bone, expect him to consider wandering off in search of something easier.

Feminism is a funny subject in general, having met many women who don’t identify as feminist because they feel that in their privileged lives as independent white women who have never known a life of laundry and loveless abuse, they don’t need to burn panties on flagpoles and give vicious speeches on castration. I suppose that’s fair enough and to be honest, some feminists get on my wick for their constant anger towards me for having a penis. I didn’t choose my equipment ladies, it was there when I got here. I just wish that this wasn’t still a subject for debate and that everyone had equal rights to do whatever the fuck we want to do with ourselves, because we need to recognise that we are all human and we have to get along for now as we only have the one planet. By the time we spread to colonies across space, we can all go our separate ways with different laws and moral values but for now, let’s call every man and woman equal and stop being total twats.