YOLO – Bridging The Gap Between Impulses and Idiots (Originally Published – 18th July 2012)

Hello, I’m Jacob Wolfe, your top authority on how to be vile, sarcastic and a professional grade jerk about those menial things in life that make you want to shoot yourself, and every living human being within a ten mile radius of you. Here’s the deal, for those of you currently unaware, I’m going to go off on one once a week for your amusement about something in modern society that really bugs me, blow it out of proportion and type it up into the swarm of angry words that currently stare back at your gormless expression, deal?

So today I decided I would finally unleash my venom on the new age phrase of philosophy, YOLO, or for those of you who have been buried in sand for the past three months, you only live once. Yes, this is the insightful future of modern philosophy as put across to us in that intellectual scripture by great mind Drake. To quote the genius himself ‘You only live once, that’s the motto N***A, YOLO!’. Ever since the release of the song ‘The Motto’, by Drake, the phrase YOLO has served a meaningful purpose of justifying acts of mild to extreme impulse or stupidity in teenagers. Brilliant, thanks a bunch Drake, as if some of these little tosspots needed an excuse for being total cretins. Couldn’t you have suggested that our youths make the most of life by investing in their education or maybe not allowing Justin Bieber to earn more money in the music industry?

Now don’t get me wrong, I totally agree with the fact that you only get one chance at life and so you have to make the most of what you’re given or it’s your own loss really but what I can’t stand is this shorthand nonsense that basically makes anything impulsive or stupid perfectly reasonable in the eyes of the average idiot. I’m not sure if people realise this but you’ve always had just the one life; Drake did not make a scientific discovery when he pointed out the fact that when you die, you’re dead. Living once is not a revelation and if you’ve just realised this now, what the fuck was going on up in that mush of a brain you have? Seems my fellow teenager had previously been living under the impression life is nothing more than a prolonged game of Super Mario Brothers and that if you die, you strike a silly pose, fall off the screen and resume life from where you last left off. I always knew I was gonna die at the end of this life, are the rest of you all Hindu or did you just learn to count to one?

Ok, so YOLO is the phrase that people use to justify their impulsive actions in life, reminding themselves that they might as well enjoy being young and reckless before their inevitable demise. Brilliant, but you can’t just shout YOLO to defend everything you do in life because, let’s face it, a life lived on impulses alone is bad enough but a society living on impulse? I’ve put together a little scenario for you, to help you imagine how bad a world of impulse really is:

One day, you wake up to hear on the news that every single law has been repealed and struck off the record, the government has disbanded entirely to spend their retirement in the Playboy Mansion and that all wars have ended because neither side can be arsed anymore and would rather sit at home in their boxers and eat nachos with cheese. Fantastic! Freedom! You can do anything you like now! Oh wait, the news report continues and… the anchor-man is tea bagging the director on camera… YOLO. Right well, now you have a free world, you can go shop for all the things you want and never pay because, well, YOLO, might as well steal at some point! You run down to your local ASDA to stock up your shelves with junk food! Oreos! Wispa Bars! Milkshake! Yes it’s a suiting feast for the celebration of a new world! As you get to the till though, everything you hand to the checkout boy, he licks and throws in your face because he only has one life and he wants to enjoy his unfulfilled fantasy of bitch slapping a tosser like you with groceries, just your luck right? Oh well, you have managed to get some food and now it’s time to pinch yourself a new television, games console and all that stuff isn’t it? Wrong! You were beat to the punch by Joe Fuckface down the street and when you try to beg him for that 45 inch screen you need, he just punches your teeth out because YOLO! Anyone seeing a problem here? Oh, it’s worse than you think. Imagine the streets without people being sensible and reasonable as they walk along! You’re on your way home and all you can see are paedophiles with butterfly nets running around school playgrounds, young couples humping in the middle of the road and angry chavs beating the shit out of single mothers with planks of wood. Kittens are shot in the face, fireworks go off in a church, children jump off buildings and missiles fly back and forth because Obama thought ‘YOLO’ and decided he’d finish off Afghanistan personally. YOLO mother fuckers! Isn’t this fun? Now, how about you start living it up pal? Go on, go wild! Be impulsive! Be daring! Be bold! Be raped in an alleyway by a police officer and seven of his mates… so much for that one… Oops

The truth is, humanity is stupid and impulsive enough without excuses to be even worse

“Mein Fuhrer, you are asking us to commit genocide, you would kill millions for your own pleasure?”

“Hmmmm yeah, I would. YOLO!”

You don’t need to find excuses to be stupid if you’re stupid enough to shout YOLO so much, the world has already accepted the fact you are a stupid person. I would urge you to be impulsive if you like but honestly, water it down with some rational thinking now and again ok? Yes, you only live once but that’s not a good enough excuse to punch a toddler in the face or kidnap a penguin now is it? Really? If you have such a need to be bold and daring, get a job in the armed forces on the front line or take up a career in the stuntman industry, maybe even scrimp together your savings for a bungee jumping trip? You can be impulsive if you want but don’t make it a regular thing, that’s why it’s so daring when you do stupid things, it’s the rush of defying conventions. If you’re stupid every single waking moment of your life, that’s just being stupid full stop, not making the most of life. If you’re that stupid, something wild and daring for you might be sitting still for five minutes or trying out those wacky inventions called books? I tell you now, that’s some crazy ass shit right there.