If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you are of a reasonable intellect and possess the knowledge and ability to dress yourself in a morning without leaving home in the morning wearing nothing but one sock on your hand and pants over your head and so I’m hoping that all of you realise there is a way to wear every piece of clothing you own, including a specific location on the body where it belongs and holes for limbs to pass through to make your job easier. However, the nineties left us with a less than favourable lasting memory, and by that I don’t mean the poorly scripted clip shows of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In prisons across the world it is a general rule that a prisoner may not wear a belt as it can be used as a whipping weapon or an improvised noose if things get that bad and so the inmates of these institutions wear loose fitting clothes and can experience a sagging in their trousers. A fashion trend was apparently born from this over time and has been an ever-lasting tidibt of stupidity since before I was even aware how to spell trousers so I felt that I should get my feelings on the matter out in the open and don’t be surprised if I’m not pro-pant sag.
Well you’re probably already well aware that I think the entire thing is stupid. As mentioned earlier, this was not a fashion choice for prisoners but simply a result of lacking belts and any unusually saggy trousers were used to indicate a man was a prison bitch, essentially a wimpy ass toy for the bigger boys to use at their leisure as if the more womanly inmates were weird looking library books, assuming you like to jizz in their pages and call them a whore, you weird pervert you. I’m not making this up, any of it. A man who couldn’t hold his own in a fight with the rest of the inmates became a woman by rights of battle and when you’re looking at spending fifteen years in a grotty cell with a stick figure of a man, suddenly your penis just decides ‘Fuck it, might as well…. well… fuck it’. Obviously, you had to be subtle about indicating which guys were the guys and which guys were the girls so the secret rule of thumb became ‘If he’s skinny looking and his boxers are on show, stick your dick in it’. Therein lies my first problem with this secret sex code becoming a fashion craze, it’s shorthand for calling your ass a parking garage for every cruising cock in the area so why you want to walk around everywhere like that I don’t know unless you really are said garage, in which case carry on. I’d love to let loose a big burly convict in my college and tell him that he isn’t to hurt anyone but he can kidnap anyone who seems perplexed by how to wear a belt, though if this were to happen I imagine half the students would be gone, not that I’d miss them but I can hardly justify the disappearance of three hundred odd teenage boys as proving a point.
I was inspired to write this by Justin Bieber, a sentiment that shall never be repeated for as long as I live hopefully and should never be taken out of context (Wait for it now, you’ll all quote me on that, you motherfuckers). You may well have soon a photo of him in London recently but if not I’ll try to find one for you. Basically though, the prepubescent louse is wearing a hat that looks like Pac-Man receiving acupuncture on his semi-shaved head, pretentious hipster glasses, a jumper and some goofy looking jeans but the most prominent thing about this is that he is walking with a gorilla-like forward lean and said jeans are worn just above his knees. Once again, this is all real, this is actually happening in the modern world that you are actually living in, the one full of all this bullshit that has all desensitised to the idea of anything weird or bizzare. I bet you my liver that fifty years ago, had this moronic cum stain on the face of our otherwise fucked planet dressed like that in public he’d have been swiftly hurried home to get changed and put on a belt or just quietly hidden in the back of a van and driven to an asylum, which is a pleasant thought for everyone except those who live or work in an asylum. Ladies and gentleman, not knowing how to wear a belt is daft enough in itself as it is one of the most simple inventions man has ever devised and has been a means of holding up trousers and skirts since the Bronze Age but putting on a pair of trousers or jeans to then just wear them around your knees like you’ve actually shat a brick is a crime against us all, you incompetent penguin. Take a look at yourself in a mirror, no man alive looks respectable if he’s outwitted by his own clothes and you only make yourself look like an idiot if you show your inability to wear trousers to the public.
My biggest fear here is that the sagging trousers are here to stay, because sadly cretins such as Bieber are the supposed role models for the next generation and they’ll see that rodent-faced piece of beaver shit walking around wearing his trousers like his balls are actually being pulled to earth by an invisible thread and assume this is cool, that this is what people look like. The horror of this idea genuinely frightens me because all I see is a world that gets more and more idiotic as we are supposed to be advancing into the future. I personally don’t want to live in a world where you’re only considered fashionable if you put on all your clothes like you got dressed falling down the stairs in a morning.
Ah well, a useful note on this system is that the level at which a man wears his trousers is now in correlation to his intellect and self-respect, with the exception of Simon Cowell who, despite having trousers up to his elbows, is incidentally not more intelligent than every other man alive. I would like to think it will eventually become much more fashionable to show off that you can wear trousers like someone with two brain cells to rub together but I won’t get my hopes up.